Nothing feels right. I’m doing the best I can, but I think I’m about to burn out. I’m crying right now and wishing I could change everything. It’s possible that my mother-in-law’s cancer diagnosis triggered something in me. My husband is having a really hard time with his mom’s illness. I wouldn’t expect anything else. I’ve been there, sort of. I lost my dad when I was young. I can’t even imagine losing my mom. I’m here for him to talk to and as a shoulder to cry on, but I can’t change things. I wish there was something I could say that would make things better, but I know that’s not possible.
I feel alone. I stare at the wall and my mind just runs, it runs but there’s nothing there. Every once in a while, my husband asks me what’s going on, but by the time I go to answer him (which is only a few seconds later) I can’t remember what I was thinking. I wish I had a way out, but I don’t. Bipolar is a life-long disorder.
I just have to remind myself that I’ve made it through worse, I can make it through this.
Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.
Yesterday, I went to my friend’s/sponsor’s house so we could drive to the AA meeting together. Just the thought of going to a meeting was causing an anxiety attack. I ended up going to the meeting with her and her husband, who helped me first get sober. When we got to the meeting, my anxiety picked up again, but my friend helped me through it.
There were several people who know me. They all wanted hugs, which was difficult at first, but it got easier as the moments went on. It was really nice to see most of these people. Only a couple of people asked me where I’ve been. I did my best to answer them by saying, “Not here”, but for one person it didn’t work. I just said, “I’ve been busy but staying sober.”
We sat on a bench with our backs to the wall (my friend picked the seats and she knows me very well). My friend sat on one side of me and her husband sat on the other. I was very fidgety, had racing thoughts, and at one point I apparently stopped breathing, so my friend suggested we go outside for a moment. I was afraid that someone was going to call on me to speak, and there were lots of people who kept looking over at me. Everything ended up perfectly fine.
In fact, I’m thinking of going to another meeting today. I know what it is that I have been missing from the meetings, I’ve been missing the friendship and community. I’m thinking of going to an earlier meeting today, at 4pm, so it will be a bit smaller (hopefully). We’ll see how it goes. I’m just going to take it one moment at a time.
There are a few activities that I do that help to keep my brain occupied. I use adult coloring books and a wide variety of puzzles including Sudoku and word searches. However, my favorite puzzles are jigsaw puzzles. I find that my racing thoughts slow down a little bit while working on jigsaw puzzles. My negative thoughts don’t disappear, but they seem more manageable. I don’t have to deal with my overwhelming negative thoughts every second. I let myself get lost in the puzzle. It doesn’t work every time, but it does help most of the times. I can even do jigsaw puzzles on my laptop or my phone. It’s probably the best solution I’ve found in a very long time.
My mind won’t stop thinking. It just keeps going and going, and no matter what I do, it keeps reverting back to two different thoughts that I really don’t want to think about. My mind either keeps going back to suicidal ideations or it thinks about an old friend of mine that did not believe in mental health. These are definitely things that I do not want to be thinking of, but I can’t help it. It’s driving me nuts! I’m hoping that when I start ECT again, it will help me forget about that unsupportive old friend.
With racing thoughts, comes an assortment of emotions. Right now I’m stuck in jealousy. In 2010 I had my tubes tied. It was such a difficult decision. Every day I hate that I did it, but I’m also extremely grateful. I know that I can’t take care of myself or my dog when I go through manic or depressive episodes, how could I even try to take care of a child. It was the right thing to do for me. However, my jealousy comes out when I see any parent with their child. I tend to wonder what my life would be like if I didn’t make that decision. But seeing as how I’m still struggling with my mental health 6 years later, I suppose I did the right thing. I’m also dealing with a lot of regret. Is it normal to regret something that you are glad you did?
I miss the job I had before I went on disability. I was really good at it and my employer was very nice. I went on disability not too long after getting a huge raise and a promotion. The more time that goes by, the more I wonder if I’ll ever get back to where I was 8 or 9 years ago. These are just the most repetitive thoughts going through my mind lately. There are a lot of other racing thoughts, but they’re not as persistent as the ones I mentioned.
Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.
I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.