Today is another rough, gloomy day. I keep beating myself up for many things. Some of these things I have no control over. For some reason, I’m being rough on myself because I’m bipolar. I know I have no control over that at all, but I’m still being hard on myself. I don’t really know why.

I’m thinking about asking my doctor to change meds, but I have a feeling that if I do I’ll slip into an even worse depression or possibly even a manic episode. I’m not going to make any changes for now, but I keep thinking about it.

My suicidal ideations are back. They weren’t really gone, but they were much less for the past couple weeks. I didn’t really realize that they lessened until they started up again with full force.

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

11 thoughts on “Another Rough Day”

  1. I hear you about roughing yourself up over your bipolar. Whenever I think about it’s impact on others, and I imagine my ex (who I’m pretty sure is borderline) telling me I was using it as an excuse for bad behaviour. Nothing I could do would convince her (or more importantly me) that I was being hyper vigilant to stop my condition from affecting other people. You have to let go of that shit. People are burdens on each other all the time, and if you’re aware of that and trying to minimise it, then your obviously a good person. If other people think otherwise then that’s their problem. I also hear you about the suicidal ideation. Mines always there as well but sometimes it’s overwhelming. I wish I could give you some advice but I’m at a loss too. If I figure it out, I’ll let you know 🙂

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  4. I completely understand how you feel. I always beat myself up over my bipolar, thinking life would be so much better if i were “normal”. I also think about the impact it has on others. When I feel suicidal I try to stop myself and think “Do I really want to commit suicide or do I just want the emotional pain to stop? Am I seeing the whole picture?” As far as changing your medications, my psychiatrist likes to change medicines slowly to make sure that there is a less chance of throwing me into a manic or depressed episode. I don’t know if your psychiatrist uses that method but my best advice is to hang in there it does get better and make sure you’re telling your psychiatrist everything. I hope you feel better hun and have a good night!

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    1. My psych changes meds slowly as well. I’ve been on this med for 9 months. Weekly blood work is done weekly for 6 months, then every other week for 6 months, then monthly. I’ve made it 9 months so far. I’m worried that if I go off it, I’ll end up going back on it if things don’t work out, and I’ll have to start the blood work over again.

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      1. Yeah wow that definitely sounds like a dilemma. Do you feel like this particular medication is helping you? Is it possible to stay on this medication and adjust the others?

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