Month: December 2016

My Dog Is Aging

My Dog Is Aging

My dog, Cash, has an appointment at the vet today for grooming and shots. He’s 11 years old now, so we’re seeing some changes in his capabilities. He was so excited to go on a car ride. I opened the door for him and he jumped in like he always does; however, this time he didn’t make it all the way in. I was able to pick up his hips and help him in the car. Luckily, he didn’t get hurt. This is the first time he wasn’t able to jump into the car. It’s sad and worrisome. I won’t be able to pick him up every time. He’s 88 pounds, which is a lot to carry. This is probably the beginning of some of the problems that senior dogs encounter. It was so hard to watch that happen, but I knew it would be coming soon.

Thyroid Hormone As A Mood Stabilizer

Thyroid Hormone As A Mood Stabilizer

My psychiatrist emailed me to let me know that my blood work has improved, but it’s still not where he wants it to be. I take Cytomel, a thyroid medication, even though I don’t have a thyroid problem. There have been some studies in the past few years that show high doses of thyroid hormones can act as a mood stabilizer for bipolar depression patients. However, taking this medication has thrown off my thyroid level, so we’re working at finding the right dose that will help as a mood stabilizer and not mess up my thyroid levels. He is increasing my Cytomel and I will do more blood work in one month to see if it has helped. I always get nervous every time there is a medication change or dose increase/decrease.

Amazing

Amazing

I heard a song today that really hit home with me. I’ve heard it probably a hundred times over the years, but today I not only heard the song, I felt it. Listening to Amazing by Aerosmith, I felt my depression and suicidal ideations and I could feel myself working through all of it. I could remember and feel the times that I have hit rock bottom, the struggle to get back up, and the fight to stay alive.

I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin’ insane
Tryin’ to walk through
The pain
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave, but couldn’t get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin’ a lie
I was wishin’ that I would die
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
It’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot’s permanent vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life’s a journey, not a destination
And I just can’t tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn’t listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just a tryin’ to survive
Scratchin’ to stay alive
It’s amazing
With the blink of an eye, you finally see the light
It’s amazing
When the moment arrives that you know you’ll be alright
Oh, it’s amazing
And I’m sayin’ a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
Desperate hearts, desperate hearts
Songwriters: Richie Supa / Steven Tyler
Amazing lyrics © EMI April Music Inc

Quote by Carl Bard

Quote by Carl Bard

“Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.” – Carl Bard

I often wish that I could go back and start over in my life. There are many things I think I would want to do differently. Since I can’t do that, it’s nice to know that I can restart any day, any time. I can even restart more than once in a day, if I need to.

It’s Not About Me

It’s Not About Me

I followed through on my plan yesterday; I went to both of my blood work appointments and then went to the party for my step-son. The party started out great, but went downhill at the end. My mother-in-law was overwhelmed by the end of the party and wasn’t feeling well, so she said it was time for everyone to go. Normally, I would take that personally and I would spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I did wrong. However, this time, I know that it wasn’t about me.

It was about her being overwhelmed and in pain. I simply said goodbye to everyone as we all left and went home. It’s so much easier not to take everything personally, but I’m normally not able to do that. I’m going to keep working on doing that in my every day life. It’s a lot less anxiety, fear, worry, and concern to deal with.

Putting Myself First

Putting Myself First

My step-son turns 25 today and my mother-in-law is throwing a last-minute party for him. I don’t like last-minute plans. Planning ahead helps me keep my anxiety down. The party is at 11:30, but I have a doctor’s appointment at 11:00am and blood work after that. I guess I will just show up late. Normally, I would reschedule my appointments, but I’m learning that I don’t have to drop everything every time someone invites me to something or asks me for help. I can take care of myself first. I have a hard time putting myself first, but the more I try, the easier it becomes.

Motivation

Motivation

It’s so hard to get motivated lately. I got home from vacation and all my motivation is gone. There’s so much to do and I can’t seem to get myself to do it. I need to reorganize my closet; t-shirts come out and sweaters go in. I have to pick up prescriptions, I need to make an appointment at the vet so my dog can get a shot and a bath. I also need to contact my new prescription drug company and clean the house. Every time I get one thing done, it feels like I find two more things I need to do.

How can I get motivated? Normally, to-do lists work great for me. However, the past couple days I’ve been struggling to even make to-do lists. I’m getting a couple little things done, but I keep avoiding the big stuff like my closet.

Showing Up For A Friend

Showing Up For A Friend

The other day I went to a friend’s house for a birthday party. The girl is a very close friend of mine and I wanted to show up and let her know that care about her. That’s what friends are for; we show up for each other. I took Valium to help me get through it. I stayed much longer than I expected and I had a good time. There were about 13 other people there. I wouldn’t have done that for anyone else, but I was happy to show up for her. It was good for me to get out of the house on my own.

Decorating

Decorating

I did a little bit of decorating today. I put up our small prelit Christmas tree and our stockings, that’s all. I also wrapped all of the Christmas gifts. I don’t feel a need to put up anything more. We don’t do Christmas Eve or Christmas Day at our house and we don’t have small children, so there’s no need for us to decorate unless we want to. I just haven’t had the energy to do so. Plus, we’ve helped both my mom and my mother-in-law put up decorations. That’s enough for me, at least for now.