Author: My Side of the Pole

I'm a 32 year old married woman who has been dealing with Bipolar disorder since the age of 14. This is all about my life, diagnoses, and treatments. If you have any questions, just ask me. I hope that others with Bipolar Disorder or PTSD can relate to my blog and find it helpful.

A Rough Doctor (PCP) Appointment

A Rough Doctor (PCP) Appointment

I had a 3 month follow-up with my primary care physician (PCP) today. It was really pointless. The first thing my doctor said to me was, “Do you know you’ve gained weight? You’ve gained 9 pounds since I’ve last seen you.” Obviously I’ve gained weight. I wanted to say to her, “No shit”, but instead I remained mostly calm but a bit snappy. I talked to her about it; it was not a conversation I wanted to have, but I didn’t really have a choice. She asked why I was gaining weight. First of all, that’s a stupid question. Then, I explained how I started gaining weight when I started taking Clozapine; I told her that weight gain is a side effect and I’ve been struggling with it for a while now. Anyway, I’m home now and trying not to eat over this. Thanks for letting me vent.

Quote by Jim Rohn

Quote by Jim Rohn

“There are two ways to face the future. One way is with apprehension; the other is with anticipation.” – Jim Rohn

You can either face the future with fear or confidence. I do my best to have confidence, but my anxiety often takes over causing apprehension. All that matters is that I keep trying and don’t give up. The confidence will come in time.

Celebration of Christmas Show

Celebration of Christmas Show

I went to the Celebration of Christmas yesterday with my husband and his father’s side of the family. There were seven of us. I already knew everyone, so that made it more comfortable for me. We also had the best seats in the house. I didn’t realize how big the show was. There were hundreds of people there, maybe even more than a thousand. We got there early. I took a half of a Valium, just enough to take the edge off the anxiety. It worked perfectly and I was able to enjoy the fantastic show. Then we all went out to dinner together. It was really nice to spend that time with my father-in-law’s side of the family. We don’t spend enough time together, but we’re working on it.

My psychiatrist prescribes me Valium 10mg twice a day as needed for my anxiety. I do my best not to take it that often. My last one month prescription of Valium last me six months. I take it only when necessary and only the amount that I need. Valium can be addictive and I don’t want to risk my sobriety. It’s better safe than sorry. Plus, the less often I take it, the better it works.

Christmas Celebration Begins Already

Christmas Celebration Begins Already

With the holidays just around the corner, there are a lot of family gatherings and obligations I have to uphold. They family stuff starts today. We’re going to a church to see a musical theater Christmas production with my father-in-law. I may not be a big fan of holidays and churches, but I definitely love the theater. My father-in-law and his girlfriend have invited us to this event for several years and this is the first time we are able to go. I expect to have a lot of anxiety leading up to this event, but once I’m there and in my seat I will feel much better.

We have several gatherings to attend over the next 8 or 9 days. Some I’m more excited about that others. I wish that some of the people we saw on Christmas or Christmas Eve were my side of the family, but I know that’s not possible. I did just spend a week back in Connecticut with my family, but I always miss every single person when the holidays come around.

I Said No

I Said No

My mother-in-law called. I answered and had a nice talk with her. She told me about one of our cousins who lives close by. He just graduated from college and his wife is throwing him a party tonight at 7pm. My mother-in-law asked me if I wanted to go to the party. My heart started racing and my anxiety rapidly increased. I almost never say ‘no’ to people, but this time I did. I honestly said, ‘It would be too much for me’. I was worried that my mother-in-law would be upset or disappointed, but she wasn’t at all. Her exact response was ‘Good for you for knowing your boundaries.’

I finally set boundaries and did the right thing for myself! And even better, I didn’t disappoint or upset anyone while doing so. I always think I need to say ‘yes’ to everything, even if it would be too difficult for me to do. I’ve been working on setting boundaries for a while now. Today is the first time that I said ‘no’ right away and with ease. I’m so proud of myself right now. Practice makes perfect.

Confrontation Intimidates Me

Confrontation Intimidates Me

I don’t like disagreements, fights, altercations, disputes, or arguments of any kind. I get extremely uncomfortable in any type of confrontations. There are many arguments that occur without yelling. Sometimes there are just harsh yet passive aggressive remarks. When confrontations occur, my anxiety quickly starts as I usually end up getting very quiet and try to find somewhere that private and without noise. I don’t respond well to others at that time.

I really need to learn how to handle confrontations. I need to stand up for myself at times, and also admit when I’m wrong.