I don’t quite understand why the days go by so quickly, but the weeks and months seem to drag on and on. I keep trying to get everything done on my daily to do lists. I keep trying, even though I’m not always successful. Blogging is one of my daily tasks that I don’t seem able to complete, but at least I’m doing it today.
I feel like I’m doing a lot better since I started the IV Ketamine. I do the treatments every other week at this point. I’m actually interested in doing all sorts of activities and I enjoy myself when doing them. I feel better about myself in general and my negative thoughts have decreased a large amount. I hope it keeps going this way, improving bit by bit.
I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.
I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.
I had another ECT treatment today. It feels like I’m going to have to do this forever. I stopped doing it at one time, and my depression just worsened quickly. Then I had to restart everything. When I restarted, I had to do 2 treatments a week for 4 weeks (at least that’s better then 3 times a week), then once a week for 6 weeks, and since then I’ve been going once every other week. I’m not so sure how well it’s working right now. My depression pretty deep, and my suicidal ideations are almost constant. Even when I try to ignore them or think positively, those thoughts are still there. Even though it doesn’t feel like ECT and all of my meds are working, I know that if I stopped either one of them, either my depression would plummet horribly or I’d go into a major manic episode.
Over this past week, especially the past couple days, my dystonia has gotten a lot worse. I brought it up to my psychiatrist this morning before ECT. He asked me several questions that I answered, but he never gave me a solution. My husband reminded me to email him about it, which I did as soon as I got home. He asked me for a list of all my medications, prescription and OTC, which I gave him right away. Now I’m just waiting for him to call something into the pharmacy for me. Hopefully, whatever he prescribes will help this go away. I can’t stand it much longer.
I decided to take a break from blogging this past week. I tried to write this past Sunday, but my mind was already in vacation mode. This past week has been wonderful. I love the time I get to spend with my mom. We only had two beach days, but we’re happy no matter what we’re doing, as long as we’re together.
I also get to spend time with a friend of mine who drove three hours last night in a storm to come see me. I hadn’t seen her in probably about two years. She will also be taking me to the airport tomorrow, so I don’t have to take the bus. I’m so happy to see her.
When we were going to bed last night, I noticed a leak in the ceiling. It was getting worse quickly, and there was a crack in the ceiling. It looked like the whole thing was going to fall down. That was not fun to deal with at 1am. Luckily, it did not fall. Someone came to the cottage to check on it this morning, and they will send someone over to fix it either today or tomorrow.
Today is our last day of vacation. I have a lot of packing to do. I’m not sure if everything will fit in my suitcase. I did buy a bunch of gifts for people. I actually got half of my holiday shopping done. It’s probably time to start packing.
The past two or three weeks have been extremely busy, emotional, difficult, and anxiety provoking. Due to my new busy schedule, writing my blog every day got pushed out of my daily duties. Once I stopped writing a couple of days in a row, it because a pattern. I stopped writing it on my to do list, and I even stopped thinking about it. Luckily, a follower of mine commented on one of my last posts, reminding me how important it is to keep writing. Blogging is not only beneficial for myself, but it apparently also helps others.
I went for a hike this afternoon with my husband and mother-in-law. We hiked a place called Thunderbird Mountain, which is where we used to take Cash for walks. Cash would always wear his backpack (he was a big dog, 88 pounds). He would carry his water and ours. Every time he saw another person or another dog, it seemed as if he was showing off his backpack, like he was proud to be wearing it. My husband and I spread his ashes over a lot of different places all the way up the hiking trail. This way, he can continue to enjoy hiking. It was extremely emotional; saying goodbye to Cash again, for the final time, was hard. I held onto his ashes all day. Letting go of him was difficult, but it was actually a little easier than I expected because of the way we decided to say goodbye.
Over the past week, I have been getting a rash that seems to keep growing every day. It’s extremely itchy and annoying. My doctor doesn’t know what it is, but it’s not contagious. They do know that it’s not chicken pox, mumps, measles, or shingles. We’re trying to figure out what the cause could be. The rash didn’t start until a week after we moved into our new house. Oh well, I just have to put up with it and try not to scratch until it goes away.
I’ve made some changes to my blog today, just a couple of improvements. I was warned after I made the changes that they possibly could make it difficult for people to access my site. These difficulties could last up to a couple of days. If anyone has any issues, please contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I apologize in advance if there are any problems.