I can’t seem to fall asleep tonight. I have no clue why. My routine is the same, nothing has changed, except for the fact that I’m not asleep. I feel my eyes getting heavy, but when I close them, my mind starts to wander. It goes faster and faster; no one can be expected to fall asleep under those circumstances. So I decided to come out to the couch. Maybe I will get tired there. I turned the TV up a little to try to cover up the background noise in my mind.
As the minutes go on, I feel like I’m getting closer to falling asleep. I’m going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.
I always do everything I’m told, and I think it’s catching up with me. I don’t want to cause any problems, but I feel like I need a vacation from my life, from myself, from my health. Just out of curiosity, I’m wondering how many people have had the same thoughts as the following:
- I’m always compliant with my medications and my treatments. Sometimes I just want to say screw it all and not take my meds. I wonder how much they’re really helping anyway. What’s the point of taking all these meds without knowing that they are definitely working?
- I’m an insomniac. The Clozapine has been helping me sleep for the most part lately, but I still wake up several times throughout the night. Why do I keep forcing myself to fall asleep? For some reason, I’m always hungry when I wake up. Maybe I should try to see if I get tired on my own. I’m an insomniac; I have problems sleeping, not getting tired.
- Sometimes, I’m get tired of doing the reasonable or rational thing. On occasion, I just want to do whatever I feel like doing without people saying it’s because of my mental health.
These are just a few of the things that have been going on in my mind lately. I think I’m just a bit frustrated with everything, and I’m wondering if other people have similar thoughts as I do. If others do have these thinking issues, what do you do to get through them?
Last night was my first dose for the Clozapine rechallenge. I took 25mg at bedtime (10:00pm), and I fell asleep quickly, probably within about 45 minutes. That’s a huge change for me, especially since I’ve been falling asleep anywhere between 2:00am and 5:00am for the past week or two. The pharmacist told me to make sure I take this medication close to the same time every night.
Falling asleep quickly is awesome, but the rest of the night was fairly awful. I woke up after about 1 hour. Then for the rest of the night, I slept approximately 20 minutes for every hour. So I spent the night falling asleep, then waking up, and then doing that all over again many times. I came out to the couch because laying in bed, feeling exhausted, but not able to sleep, is extremely frustrating. Waking up was very difficult; my eyes had a hard time staying open, but I think I’m fully awake now. I slept a total of about 3 1/2 hours, that’s not that bad for me.
The best part is that I have no dizziness, at least not yet. The last time I tried this medication, I had a lot of problems with dizziness. I think that it’s a good sign that I don’t have any dizziness issues at this time. I’m really hoping that my body will adjust to the medication better than it did last time. In my opinion, I feel like I’m off to a good start. My psychiatrist is increasing the dose slower this time than he did before, and I’m grateful for that.
My sleep has been screwed up for the past 2 weeks. Some nights I only sleep 3 – 5 hours and others its 5 – 6 hours if I’m lucky. Only 1 night did I sleep less than 2 hours. I try to nap during the day, but it never works. I seem to be getting more done at night when I’m unable to sleep than I do during the day. I like things to be organized. Anything that can be organized alphabetically, is, including my filing cabinets, all my spices, and the apps on my phone. I also organize my spices by size and brand. Maybe that’s a bit excessive, but it makes me feel good to be organized. Being productive is something that helps me feel better, which is why I keep trying to get things done. If I can’t sleep, I think it’s better to be productive than just sit on the couch watching TV or waiting for the morning to come.
The only issue is that I feel that I need to stay quiet so I don’t wake my husband. Luckily he has ear plugs that he wears, but I’m still cautious. Just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean he shouldn’t sleep either. I haven’t cleaned my house in 6 days. So if I can’t sleep again tonight, then I know what I’ll be doing. I’ll dust every surface, clean the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, and anything else I can find to do, I’ll just do it as quietly as possible.
I start a new medication tonight, the Clozapine that I’ve been talking about, and I’m so nervous. I keep pretending I’m okay, but I’m not, I’m a wreck inside. I’m trying to think of the positives. The first thing that comes to my mind is that one side effect is drowsiness. Normally that would be a negative aspect, but since I’m not sleeping much, the drowsiness side effect could actually work in my favor. If I end up being tired and actually sleeping, I will just have to clean the house tomorrow.
My psychiatrist is fantastic. He asked me to check in with him every day to make sure that there are no problems. It’s nice to know that he will be available every day just in case I have an issue. It’s time to take my meds; I’m anxious, but I’m ready to find out how well it goes.