For the past two nights, I’ve finally been sleeping and staying in bed all night long. For the past month or so, I would wake up after being asleep for only an hour or so. Then, I would come out on the couch and attempt to sleep. Sometimes it would work and sometimes it wouldn’t. But the last two nights I finally got a full night’s sleep. I think it’s even helping me feel better during the day.
I’m still having weird dreams. I remember them when I wake up, but then I forget them after a few minutes, just like I forget everything else. I wish my memory would start improving soon. I feel uncomfortable around people because I’m afraid I’m going to ask them the same thing multiple times. I don’t want to bother people. I’m just doing the best that I can.
Why am I awake? I have so much to do tomorrow. There are only two days until I leave and I have way too much to get done. My to-do list is so long, I hope I can get it all done. A good night’s sleep would really be helpful, but of course that’s not going to happen tonight. I would like to get started on my list right now, but that would make too much noise and wake up my husband.
I can’t wait to be with my family, I miss them all so much. I’m overly excited to spend time with my mom, siblings, aunt, grandma, nieces, nephew, and some good friends. Maybe it’s the excitement that is keeping me from sleeping. That seems like a good explanation.
I lay here again, unable to fall asleep. Thoughts and memories flood my brain making it close to impossible to even close my eyes. This doesn’t happen nearly as often as it used to occur. Maybe, once our new Sleep Number mattress arrives, this will happen even less than it does already.
My mind is racing fast, but it’s hard to stay focused on any one set of thoughts. How do I help myself fall asleep? All of the things I normally do have been unsuccessful. I think I’ll get up and stretch since my muscles are hurting. Even if I don’t sleep tonight, I’m trying to be grateful that this happens only a couple times a month now instead of several times a week. Improvement is a big deal.
Lately, my nighttime meds kick in within about 20 or 30 minutes and I’m asleep quickly and easily. Tonight is anything but quick and easy. I was just laying in bed waiting for the meds to start working. After an hour of laying in bed without the ability to fall asleep or even be the slightest bit tired, I gave up, took my pillow, and went out to the living room couch. Sometimes, just changing my scenery helps.
So far, no improvement. In fact, I’m a bit jumpy. I’ve seen some flashing lights racing by my house and a lot of dogs are barking (thank goodness my dog is completely silent). I get nervous when I’m alone. My husband is asleep, so I count this as being home alone. So maybe a change of scenery has been counterproductive this time; maybe I should go back to bed soon.
In the mean time, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. I recently had a couple of medication changes, which could be a big factor with my sleep problems. I’m exhausted during the days and awake at night. This may be something I should mention to my psychiatrist.
I’m feeling slightly better today. I’m still upset about being labeled totally and permanently disabled, even though it’s what I needed to have happen. At least I’m not crying today like I was last night. Plus, it’s just a label; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disabled forever, even though it feels like that sometimes. It just sucks because I’m already doing everything I can do and the result is not very good. Oh well, at least I’m trying. I am proud of myself for doing all that I can do, whether it helps or not. If I wasn’t working at being healthy, then I wouldn’t be able to take pride in that aspect of my life.
I talked to my husband this morning about how I’m feeling. He kept trying to make me feel better; it was sweet and thoughtful. At least he cares enough to try. I have to give him credit for that.
I did sleep last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. I slept for 5 hours, which isn’t too bad. It’s better than not sleeping at all. I find it odd to be depressed but not sleeping very much. Usually, when I’m depressed, I sleep all the time. So does that mean I’m in a mixed state? Or can I have symptoms of both depression and mania, and still be in a depression? I’m not sure how it works. Anyway, hopefully things will continue to improve, even if it’s only one tiny bit at a time.
Today was a good workout at the gym with my husband. I’m doing the best I can to be okay during my workouts. I may feel like I’m freaking out, but I’m trying to remain calm. I don’t want to feed into my fears. I’m working on using the mirrors in the gym to my advantage. I’m using them to help me see things that are going on around and behind me. We are generally able to go to the gym when it’s slow, which is usually when most people are at work. That is a huge help to my anxiety.
I’m finally feeling better after being awake for two days. Yesterday, I was still feeling kind of messed up. It’s weird what happens to your body when you’re awake for 42 hours straight. Hopefully I won’t have any more problems sleeping. I think that the whole issue was caused by anxiety; probably from my dose increase and from stopping ECT. At least I’m feeling well enough to do my regular routine.
I’m trying to be grateful for what I do have and think positive about everything. This is easier said than done, but all that matters is that I keep trying. Just keep calm and carry on (as much as possible).
I’m here again on the couch, unable to sleep. This happened last night too, but I fell asleep after a couple of hours. Tonight, I’ve been trying to fall asleep for five hours with no luck. I don’t even have the heavy eyelids that I had yesterday. I consider that funny because all day long yesterday I could barely keep my eyes open and my body was hurting for some reason. Then the night comes, and all of that disappears. I’m wide awake. I figured I might as well do some writing.
I wonder why this is happening again. My Clozapine normally puts me to sleep within 20 minutes, I wonder why it’s not working the past couple nights. It normally works better than any sleeping medication I’ve ever been on. I have been dealing with more anxiety than normal. This is due to my gym workouts, going bowling (my husband and I enjoy going in the summer), my dog has another skin infection (it’s finally starting to improve), and dealing with a lot of bills. When it rains, it pours.
I don’t think I’m going to get any sleep tonight. Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with it for one night (hopefully that’s all it is). When I do finally fall asleep, I’m having very vivid dreams. I can remember the details. In one dream, I had kids. When I woke up, I realized that it wasn’t real and never will be.