Every Episode Is A Bit Different

Every Episode Is A Bit Different

I have been through many depressive episodes as well as several manic episodes. When I was 24, I first started going through a major manic episode, then a huge depressive episode; I had absolutely no control over either. My job was trying to help me through it. They let me work from home for a while, but my symptoms just kept getting worse. I went on short-term disability, then long-term disability, and then finally on social security disability. I ended up moving across the country to go live with my mom because I couldn’t take care of myself.

After I made it through a pretty big depressive episode when I was approximately 25, I got another tattoo to remind me of what I went through. The tattoo is on my left hip and the drawing is actually based off of me (I was skinnier then). I stayed with my mom for approximately 2½ years. I moved back to Arizona in 2011 when I started dating the guy who is now my husband. We were best friends for years before we started dating. He always said we would end up together, and I always told him he was wrong. I had to admit that I was wrong and he was right. Most of the time, my husband or my mom notices when I’m beginning to go through another episode, and when I’m beginning to make noticeable changes and come out of an episode. They recognize my symptoms and do what they can to help. Every episode and all of my symptoms appear slightly differently every time.

My depressive symptoms generally include some mixture of a lack of energy, over-sleeping, overeating, feeling worthless, and physical pain. These are only some of the most common symptoms that I can think of. There are many more symptoms that I can’t think of at this moment. My manic symptoms are often more easy to see. They include no sleeping, excessive energy, easily distracted, racing thoughts, and more. I make sure that the people close to me know what my symptoms are and what normal is like for me so they can help me catch my episodes early. We don’t have to go through our episodes alone.

Is It My Personality?

Is It My Personality?

I often wonder what I can do to help my mental health. For example, my therapist wants me to stand up for myself and say no more often. It has me thinking, isn’t it a part of my personality, of who I am, the fact that I have a hard time saying no? Is my bipolar disorder a part of my personality or vise versa? Am I supposed to change my personality to improve my mental health?

I know there are some things that need or needed change. Twelve years ago, I stopped drinking and using drugs, which was extremely difficult. That improved both my mental and physical health. It was my activities that I changed, not my personality. I suppose that it’s not so much what I do, but how I do and handle it. I’m not sure if any of this makes much sense, but they are the thoughts that are wandering around in my mind the past couple days.