Weekly Blood Work – Same Phlebotomist

I have been nervous for days now about the blood work I had to get done today. Most of my nerves were because of the inappropriate phlebotomist from last week that kept asking me personal questions and telling me what I should do for my bipolar disorder. I have been practicing all week just what to say to her if she was the one drawing my blood again. I was prepared; at least I kept telling myself I was prepared. I was ready to tell her, “I don’t want to talk” if she asked me a question, or to ask for someone else completely. To be honest, I wasn’t prepared. I took a Valium to calm myself out of my anxiety attack and I went to the lab.

I arrived at the lab and stood in line to check in. I made a 2pm appointment, but they were running late. At least my Valium was kicking in, I was able to breathe, my chest pains stopped, I started shaking less, and my mind began to slow. I looked behind the counter and only saw one receptionist and one phlebotomist. Then my heart started to beat a little faster again, it was the same woman from last time. As I walk past her, she asks me “Did you think about what we talked about last time?” I can’t believe that she was that invasive two weeks in a row, better yet, she broke HIPPA laws two weeks in a row. I was surprised, but my response comment came to me quickly. I told her, “Yes, and I’m happy with the way I’m doing things.” I couldn’t believe it, but she actually backed off. The only other things she said was just normal chit-chat, to make time go by quicker. What I said was nothing like what I planned on saying, but it still seemed to work, and that’s all that really matters.

If she says something to me again next week, I will report her. It’s really hard for me to report her or tell her boss about the situation; I’m not sure why it’s so difficult, it just is. My husband keeps telling me I should report her. He’s probably right; I should probably do it for the people she treats after me. Even just the thought of reporting her, or having my husband report her, makes me start to have a panic attack. I don’t know if I could do it; I don’t know if I want to do it.

An update regarding the Clozapine: My fatigue has been decreasing every day and I have no other side effects that I’m noticing. I informed my psychiatrist these facts and that I completed my weekly blood work today. He told me I could up my Clozapine dose to 125 mg. I was so excited when I heard, I was worried he was going to stop the medication because of my blood work results, but he is still allowing me to move forward on my dosages.

Living With Anxiety

Living with any type of anxiety disorder is one of the hardest things a person with mental illnesses can deal with; at least that’s how it is for me. There are many forms of anxiety disorders including Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety/Phobias, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Personally, I live and struggle with PTSD due to an abusive relationship that occurred 13 years ago. No matter how much I try to get past everything, I still have flashbacks, fears of anyone I don’t know (especially men), I have a hard time relaxing, I frighten very easily, I avoid anything new, I struggle to sleep, when I do sleep I have nightmares, and I have portions of the abusive time that are mostly a blackout. These are only some of the symptoms I deal with; it’s a huge battle that I fight every day. Sometimes I feel absurd because of how much my anxiety runs my life. I do the best that I can to continue to live my life, but it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

One of my biggest difficulties is that I do not like having anyone behind me. I’m constantly looking over my shoulder to see if I’m ‘safe’, just so I have a moment to breathe. This makes running errands, such as grocery shopping, very strenuous. It doesn’t really matter where I am, as long as I’m outside of my house, this is a major issue. I wish I had eyes in the back of my head. Also, my therapist tells me that I behave certain ways in all types of relationships, such as giving without thinking of myself, because of the past abusive relationship. I even had over a year long period where I could not handle touching others. Now, I can shake hands with someone if necessary without having an anxiety attack, but it still terrifies me. If I know a person well enough, such as family or close friends, I am even able to hug them. This is a huge amount of progress.

Living with anxiety is about knowing your own boundaries; what helps you, and what makes things worse. Since I don’t like people behind me, my husband generally walks behind me in public, this helps me feel safe because I know he wouldn’t let anyone hurt me. Sometimes when we’re in public, he will hold onto my belt loop or vise versa, also helping me feel safe and comfortable. Benzodiazepines, such as Valium, are very useful, but I try to only take them when absolutely necessary. Everything I do, even just getting mail from the mailbox, has potential for an anxiety attack. I can’t just walk outside without thinking of all the possibilities. I look out the window first to see if anyone is coming, when the coast is clear I go as quickly as possible to the mailbox hoping that I can go unseen.

I am always trying to find new ways to help deal with my anxiety. Knowing my triggers and boundaries is a huge part of managing my anxiety. I do the best that I can every day and try not to let my anxiety run my life. That’s easier said than done, however; it’s easier for me because I have so much support from my loved ones. I control what I can and try to prepare myself for the rest. I have thought about getting a therapy dog. One that could sense when I’m having an anxiety or panic attack and help calm me down, or sense my nerves and stand watch to make me feel safer. Therapy dogs can do so much good; it’s something I want to look into for the future as another tool to manage my PTSD.

Facing My Fears

Facing fears is extremely difficult. I already have anxiety and/or panic attacks every day. Facing my fears just increases my anxiety, which I didn’t know was possible. I struggle to do anything new. I like what I am comfortable with; I shop at the same stores, I talk to the same people, I live a life of routine to help reduce my anxiety. Today has been a day filled with facing my fears. To begin, we changed our internet provider, so that meant a strange person had to come into my home to hook everything up. Of course, this happened while my husband was at work. The guy ended up being very nice and polite. I did the best I could to manage my fears and prepare myself for a stranger in my home. I made it through that; my dog, an 88 pound pit mix, helped me feel safe, but I still jumped every time I heard any door open or movement in my home.

Next, I went to a local tailor to get a pair of pants hemmed. I bought a new pair of pants at a discount store, which fit perfectly except for the length. This happened a week ago; I’ve been trying to get myself to go to the tailor for the past week, but I’ve been too afraid because it’s something new. I ended up going today; my body was shaking as I walked up to and into the store. Once I talked to the woman who worked there, I started to relax a bit. I was able to stand still as she pinned the pants at the proper length. That was a huge accomplishment.

Now, I’m supposed to go to a new support group. I was going to go with a friend, but life happens and she cannot make it tonight, which I understand. However, I still want to go. Even if I drive there but don’t require myself to go in, it would be a big step forward for me and it will make it easier to go in the future. The closer it gets to the time to leave, the more I start shaking and freaking out. I don’t know if I can do this; my heart is beating so fast I can hear it. I’ve already faced so much today, maybe I should give myself a break. However, I have been talking about going to this group for several months; it’s about time that I actually follow through. I know I need to go to a support group; it would be very beneficial for my overall mental health.

I have already faced my fears twice today, and everything worked out okay. Maybe that should tell me that this next fear to face will also work out okay. Or maybe that’s trying to tell me that I’ve done enough for one day and I shouldn’t force it. I don’t know. I need to stop shaking in order to drive there. I hope my Valium works; this is why I take it. I hope I actually get there. I suppose I’m about to find out what’s going to happen. Hopefully, this terrified feeling inside of me will dissipate.

An update about how it went going to the new support group:
I made it to the support group meeting, but I was overwhelmed when I walked in. There were more people than I expected. This group had 28 people there this evening, which is wonderful, but for me, it was scary. I pulled up a chair in the back thinking that no one would pull up a chair behind me, but I was wrong. Once someone sat down behind me, my fear kicked in even more causing an anxiety attack. My right leg started shaking uncontrollably, I started to rock back and forth, and my breathing began to struggle. I received a text from my husband, who kindly offered to come join me at the group as support once he got out of work, but I told him that I was going to be leaving shortly. I stayed for 1 hour, managing my anxiety attack through it all, and then I left at the break. The group itself was great and I did appreciate how organized the group was, but it was just too much for me. Maybe I will try it again one day with someone. For now, I am proud of myself for driving down there and staying for the first hour of the group.

Anxiety and Panic Attacks Changing

I have been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks for many years. I go through periods where they happen more often, and then I’m lucky enough to go through some periods where they decrease. I have learned that I need to accept the fact that they are a part of my life; the more I accept them, the easier they are to get through. I’m not saying they’re easy, just easier. It’s probably because I can recognize when I’m having an attack and do some of the things that help me feel safe. For example, I try to go somewhere I can be alone or only with people I’m extremely comfortable with. If this isn’t possible, I sit or stand with my back to a corner. I’m afraid someone is going to come up behind me, but if I’m sitting in a corner, then I know it’s not a possibility. If I’m in public, my husband will walk or stand behind me when I have an attack, that way I know the only person behind me is him, and he would never let anyone hurt me. Basically, I just try to put myself in situations that allow me to be comfortable. I’ve developed many different strategies over the years to help in almost any situation.

For a little while, I thought my attacks were lessening. Some of my symptoms were not occurring as often and some of them not at all. However, I had new symptoms begin, but I thought that they were physical health problems. I would get chest pains that would last for quite a while and my left arm, hand, and fingers would become numb and tingly. I assumed it was a heart problem. I told my psychiatrist eventually, and he asked me to get checked out. I did a full cardio and neurological exam and everything came back fine, but the symptoms never went away. I opened my mind to the idea that my anxiety and panic attack symptoms could have changed. It didn’t seem right to me, but that’s when I noticed that some of my previous symptoms were gone. I no longer get dizzy, nauseous, or have hot flashes. Some of the symptoms that I’ve had for years, such as trouble breathing, trembling, and overwhelming terror still occur, except now they happen with the new symptoms of chest pains and a tingling arm. It took quite some time for me to determine any pattern with the new symptoms, but I do see now that they along with some of the old symptoms.

I didn’t think it was possible to have the types of symptoms I experience with my anxiety and panic attacks to change over time. At least now I am aware of my symptoms again. This provides me with the ability to get to a comfortable place when the symptoms first start, which in turn helps to reduce the severity of my attacks. It also helps so I don’t end up having attacks in public places, at least for the most part. I’m curious to find out if others have experienced this same type of change.

Planning Ahead Helps Reduce Stress

I have a difficult time doing anything that is not in my normal schedule. Even if it’s as simple as going to a new store to go shopping, meeting someone at a restaurant I’ve never been to before, or going to a get together at a family member’s or friend’s house. I do my best to prepare myself for any situation that I will be getting myself into. Basically, all I try to do is to find out as much information as I can about the upcoming event and come up with a plan for what I can do if I have an anxiety/panic attack, if I start crying, or if I become uncomfortable in any way. Planning helps me feel safer and reduces stress when I walk into these unknown situations, but it doesn’t always solve every problem.

For example, today I went to two different family member’s houses. The first house was somewhere I had never been before. I started planning by trying to figure out who was going to be there, my husband helped me with this. Then, my mother helped me by reminding me that I can handle this. Also, if I became too uncomfortable or scared, I could always walk outside and call someone to talk me through it. Additionally, I planned on taking a Valium on my way over there to help keep me feeling relaxed and prevent an anxiety/panic attack. Furthermore, I planned on sitting by someone I’m very comfortable with and having my husband sit on the other side of me, that way no one could catch me off guard.

Nothing every goes perfectly as planned, but things almost always go better when you have a plan rather than going in unprepared. When I arrived at the first house today, I was surprised to see that there were 5 people there I didn’t know, and I had no clue these people would be there. I freaked out at first, my heart started to race, but at least I had taken a Valium, otherwise my reaction would have been much worse and more noticeable. Then I thought about my plan and I sat myself down next to a family member that I find enjoyable and is also understanding of my bipolar disorder. This kept me calm. I used these techniques help me through the day, and to my surprise, it was easier than I thought it would be. I’m sure that the people I didn’t know thought I was different because I avoided them at all costs, but oh well; all I really cared about was making it through the day without freaking out.

The second house I went to was fine; I’m already comfortable with the people there, and everything went well. I’m proud of myself for making it through the day, especially since things didn’t go as I thought they would. Planning ahead doesn’t solve every situation, but it does make it a whole lot easier. It also helps a great deal to be with someone that knows your situation and is there to support you; for me, that’s almost always my husband. He knows how to make me feel safe and comfortable. I’m extremely grateful for his love and support, as well as the love and support from my mother and other family members.

Pushing Your Limits

Knowing your limitations is just as important as pushing yourself to do things outside of your comfort zone. This is an aspect where I really struggle. I like routine; knowing exactly what I’m supposed to do and when brings me comfort. For me, the unknown, which includes anything new, is terrifying. It happens to be one of my PTSD triggers, which almost always causes an anxiety or panic attack. If it were up to me, I would do the same things every day; I would never go anywhere new and talk to anyone I don’t know.

Lucky for me (even though it may not feel like that at the time due to my fear), my husband is there to encourage me to branch out in many ways. Tonight, he got me to go to a bar and play darts with a couple of our friends. My first thought was, ‘How can he expect me to go to a bar where there are a lot of people?’ I felt angry, but I was really just afraid. I did everything I could to not go to the bar, but in the end, I went. Mainly because I can’t say no, it’s something I’m working on. So I went, and of course, I was extremely anxious. I couldn’t stand still. I had a hard time staying aware of everything that was going on around me. So I took a Valium, which helped calm me down but did not get rid of the restlessness. We played darts, and to my surprise, I enjoyed a large portion of the evening. While some moments were extremely frustrating, most of the time was manageable.

I went through just about every emotion this evening, which is exhausting and quite a bit overwhelming. But the most important part, is that I did it. I left the house and went somewhere that was unfamiliar to me. I faced a fear and pushed my limits. It doesn’t work out every time I try something like this, but it did this time. I feel a sense of pride for making it through the night and managing my anxiety attack in public. But I don’t see myself doing that again anytime soon. It’s important to have a balanced life in order to be healthy (in some way, despite the Bipolar and PTSD). I know I can’t have a healthy life if I only leave the house to go to the grocery store.

I want to express gratitude for my husband that pushes me to branch out in many different ways. Even though sometimes it’s too much, there are some times that he is right. Everything he does comes from a place of love. I’m lucky to have him. Having the man I love stand by me through all of my vast emotions makes me an abundantly fortunate woman.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Panic Attack