I Try To Be Honest

I almost always fake being okay. It’s not often that I actually feel well, but it’s so much easier to respond to people by simply saying ‘I’m good’ with a smile, than it is to tell people how life really is. Most of the time, I can’t even explain to myself how I’m feeling. The words are easier to say, but not easy; however, the smile can be extremely difficult, if not impossible at times. Usually, when people ask you how you’re doing, they’re doing it to be polite. So what’s wrong with a polite answer?

I was having trouble falling asleep last night, so I was watching TV and trying to figure out what was going on in my mind. Even though a big part of how I’m feeling is because of the Clozapine, some of it is my own mind, and it has really been bothering me. What I came to realize is that when I fake being okay to others, I’m actually lying to them; even if it’s just lying by omission. One of the few things I’ve truly been proud of over the years is my honesty, and now I’m unsure if I can even count that.

This doesn’t mean I have to tell strangers in passing about my life, but I should tell those that love and support me how I’m doing. However, I don’t know if I can do that. I haven’t even been able to be honest with myself regarding how I feel. It takes a lot of work to be able to honestly tell others how you’re feeling. I just assume that most people don’t really want to hear it. When you’re bipolar, how you’re doing can change from day-to-day and even moment-to-moment. I think the people who I need to be honest with are those closest to me. Sometimes I withhold information for a little while, but I always end up telling them at some point.

I used to think that I was an honest person; but I am wondering if I’m dishonest because I withhold information at times and fake how I’m feeling. No matter how much honesty comes out of my mouth, it’s still not all there. I can only think of a few people who really want to know, and I am always honest with these few individuals; my closest family, husband, best friend, and doctors, to the best of my ability. Maybe I can still think of myself as honest; I do my best to be honest with loved ones. Not one person is 100% honest; I guess this is where I cut myself some slack.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 8

I slept approximately 4 hours, but I don’t feel too exhausted yet. I just couldn’t fall asleep for some reason. My psychiatrist had me cut my Seroquel in half since I slept almost 12 hours the day before. I was happy to do so; it just made it difficult to fall asleep, but the sleep I did get was good. Physically, the only problem I’m feeling is a sore throat. It’s more like a small lump in my throat on the right side that I feel as I breathe in. Other than that and being somewhat tired, I feel perfectly fine. I think that I’ll feel better as the day goes on, that’s how it usually goes. I have a lot to do today, hopefully my body can keep up with me.

I Can’t Even Fake Okay

I couldn’t even fake being okay today. I tried, I seriously gave it my all, but between the emotional aspect and the physical side due to medication side effects, I was pretty much a wreck. There was a get-together at my mother-in-law’s house just because, basically to see our granddaughter. Technically, she’s my husband’s granddaughter, but I feel like she is mine as well, and step-granddaughter just sounds weird. She is 6 months old and absolutely beautiful. I wasn’t feeling very well today, I had a lot of physical weakness. I was too nervous to hold the baby because of the weakness; I didn’t want her to get hurt. I have dropped several things I was supposed to be holding, such as dinner bowls, I didn’t want her to be added to that list. So I didn’t have as much time with her as I wanted, and that breaks my heart.

I went to the family get-together in a difficult emotional state to begin with. Earlier in the day, someone seemed upset, so I asked if everything was okay. The response I got was that I ask too many questions and it can be frustrating. The way I took it is that I talk too much; my memory is horrible causing me to ask too many questions, and that I’m overall annoying. I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that, but this is where the bipolar kicks in; my mind always goes to the extremes. So I spent the rest of the day trying not to talk, which is extremely hard for me. My memory is horrible due to ECT and I talk so much and ask a lot of questions because of the bipolar mixed episode that I’ve been in. I guess I don’t take negative feedback very well.

I think it bothered me so much because I don’t feel like I have control over myself, my memory, how much I talk, or what I say. I tried my best to fake feeling happy. I would have tolerated being able to fake feeling okay, but I could barely even do that. I used to think that I could always fake being okay, but today proved that I’m wrong. I don’t want to annoy this person, but if today bothered them because of how much I was talking or asking questions, then I think it must bother them every day. All I can think is that I must annoy this person all the time. Every time I have started to open my mouth that was thought that went through my mind. So I’ve done my best to be quiet, although I know that’s not the best answer. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 7

I fell asleep on the couch last night in the middle of doing something. I slept about 2 hours on the couch then woke up and we to bed. Then I slept 9 hours in bed, without waking up! I can’t believe I slept that much. I assume it’s because of the Clozapine; it does have a sedation side effect. I know that it’s not technically possible to catch up on missed sleep, but I really needed that.

I have some pressure in my chest and throat when I breathe deep, but that’s all. I don’t think it’s worse than yesterday. I tend to get tired easier than I normally would. Taking a shower and getting dressed yesterday wiped me out. I was going to go to a friend’s house, but I didn’t have the energy to do it. However, my temperature is still good at 97.0, so I think I’m doing well. Today, I go pick up my prescription for this coming week, since I can only get one week at a time.

Maintaining Relationships

Relationships are particularly difficult when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder. Personally, I struggle when it comes to reaching out to those I care about. I prefer having just a couple close friends that I can trust, than having a large group of friends. It takes a lot of work to remember to reach out to friends and family. In fact, if I want to reach out to someone, I have to put it on my to-do list. Currently, I have a couple of close friends that I try to reach out to on a regular basis, and thankfully, they also reach out to me. My family members are not diagnosed with bipolar disorder, although my friends are almost all diagnosed with some type of mental health illness.

Having friends that also battle with mental health disorders is both positive and negative. It’s wonderful to have friends that understand what I’m going through, but that also means that these individuals deal with the same things that I struggle with, and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. I have had several friends of the past decade that I became close with; I will always be grateful for those relationships; however, I may be doing okay and my friend begins to go through an episode and distances themselves from me. This is difficult to handle, but I understand how and why it happens. It’s important to remember that when this happens, it’s usually due to their bipolar and mental health episodes and not because of me. I have had this happen to me several times, and I have also done this to others many times depending on state of mind. When someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder backs away from you, it is important to know that it is most likely because they are struggling, it’s not personal.

I’m currently attempting to reach out more to my family. I believe that family is the most important thing in life; no one will ever love and support you like your family does, at least that is my experience. Someone recently asked me how my relationship was going with one of my family members. I told him that it was improving; I have decided to reach out to them more often. The conclusion I have come to is that I cannot expect others to put forth any effort in our relationship unless I am willing to do the same. If I want to have a relationship with anyone, I need to work at it. Surprisingly, it’s a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even just a text message to say hello can mean a great deal to another person.

I’m working on reach out to my friends and family in many ways. Most of it is because of the support I receive. I use the following methods to help maintain my relationships:

I write on my to-do list who to call or text that day so I make sure it gets done.
I put things in my phone’s calendar as another reminder.
I listen to my husband; he often suggests appropriate things for me to do.
I make ‘dates’ with friends and family. Once something is scheduled, I’m very unlikely to cancel it.
I tell my loved ones how much they mean to me. I go through periods where I can’t express this at all, so I make sure to do so when I can.
I try to support and encourage my friends. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Relationships are hard for me; they’re also hard for others. I have to remember to cut others some slack; keep the expectations to a minimum.

Using these techniques, I have been able to maintain friendships, and I am happy to say that I have become closer with my family. Friends and family provide support, which is vital to my mental health.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 6

My psychiatrist is having stay at 75mg for a bit because of the side effects I’ve been having. Last night I only woke up once, at 3:00am, and then I was able to go back to sleep without a problem. That was amazing! When I woke up this morning, I didn’t have any of the side effects that I’ve been having previously.

I actually feel pretty good, except when I breathe deep, my chest hurts a little. I don’t think it’s anything. I got my blood test back, there are a few things that are above normal, including my white blood cell count, but I don’t know what that means. I will just have to wait to find out from my doctor. I tried to do research to figure it out, but I still don’t know what it all means. No matter what, I feel better today than I have since I started this medication.

Honesty Helps Fix My Lack of Control

It’s extremely difficult for people to manage their bipolar disorder. In fact, for me, it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to handle. I’ve dealt with the death of my father as a teenager, a drug and alcohol addiction, maintaining sobriety, a previous relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive, and the loss of several friends due to suicide or drug addiction; these things are only a few of the circumstances I’ve dealt with, and for me, none of them compare to dealing with my bipolar disorder on a daily basis.

To me, it feels as if I often don’t have control over my own brain, mouth, and even my body. I frequently find myself saying things that should not be said or doing things that I should not do. My brain is always running, always thinking, it doesn’t take a break. I’m generally thinking about all of the things I did wrong, but I also think about different options I have, I’m on overload. My mind has no balance. It feels as if I have no control over my own mind. It jumps from subject to subject, never thinking any thought completely through. I often act on my emotions instead of logical thinking. I do the best I can to make the right choices, but when it’s left up to my brain, I never know what the results will be like.

I know this sounds weird, but I love rules; any set of instructions or guidelines that I can follow make my life easier. I don’t have to listen to my brain or attempt figure out what the right thing to do is. I don’t worry about my lack of control over myself, I simply do what I’m told is the right thing to do. I have a hard time being dishonest about anything. I know that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes there is such a thing as too much honesty. If I’m not completely honest with others, my mind keeps telling me how horrible I am, and then I can’t function or sleep. I’ve lived the majority of my life without control, following rules gives me control; it gives me power.

I no longer have to struggle to organize my mind to figure out what I should and should not do, I no longer have to worry if every single thing I did was right or wrong, and I no longer have to worry if I can live with the choices I made. As long as I am honest to the best of my ability, I feel free from the bipolar restraints and the lack of control that comes along with it; I can find balance in my life. Following rules and being honest is so much easier than doing anything else; there are already a set of instructions laid out for me, giving my mind some peace and quiet, which is something that almost never occurs. Of course my mind doesn’t stop, and there are still so many thoughts going on in there, but at least I don’t have to figure everything out on my own. I encourage others to try being honest and follow rules if they’re comfortable doing so, even if it’s as simple as following the instructions on a recipe or game. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t, but I hope that it does, because I would really love to share the peace that it brings me.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 5

Today is day 5 of the Clozapine rechallenge. I took 75mg again last night as instructed. My psychiatrist didn’t want we to increase the dose because of yesterday’s side effects. I’m sleeping a little better; I slept for a couple hours in bed and then I came out to the couch where I was able to sleep a couple additional hours straight through. Then I also dealt with sleep on and off for a few hours, but this is still improvement from what it used to be, and that’s all I care about.

Today I have some muscle soreness again, but not as bad as yesterday. My soreness did improve yesterday as the day went on. My psychiatrist had me take my temperature to make sure there was no fever, and it was low at 97.2, which is good. My temperature today is 98.3, which is still good. I get a little dizzy if I stand up to quickly, so I just need to be cautious.

I go and get my weekly blood work done again today. My psychiatrist wrote me a new lab form to hopefully prevent the issues we had last week with my pharmacist obtaining the results.

Bipolar and Addiction: There Is Hope

There are various statistics, but it seems that more than 50% of people diagnosed with bipolar disorder also struggle with addiction in some form, such as drugs or alcohol. When a person is diagnosed with bipolar disorder or another mood disorder, and also has a problem with drugs and/or alcohol, it is called dual diagnosis. I was diagnosed with dual diagnosis when I was 14 years old. My drug of choice was crack, but I would do whatever I could find; I also had a problem with alcohol. If anyone is thinking about a rehab, it’s important to research each treatment center you are looking at for yourself or your loved ones to make sure it can properly treat both your mental health disorder and your drug/alcohol addiction.

Dual diagnosis can make it more difficult to treat either disorder, but it’s not impossible. I’ve heard some people say that drugs and alcohol can bring on mental health episodes; and mental health episodes often lead individuals towards drug/alcohol use; both are true based on my own experience.

I know it’s possible to recover from dual diagnosis. I am 11 years sober, which is something I never thought I could say. On April 29, 2004, I went willingly to a yearlong rehab that also helped treat my bipolar disorder, and I have been sober ever since. I even worked there for 9 months after I completed the program. There is always hope, recovery from addiction is always possible. There is no single way to recover from addiction, every person is different. I got sober through the help of a 12 step program. What worked for me may not work for another person.

I feel the same way about treating bipolar disorder. I have tried so many different medications but I have not found the right combination of meds that works for this episode. Even though the meds may have previously worked, or are currently working for many others, it doesn’t mean they will definitely work for me. It’s basically a trial and error situation when treating mental health. That is really hard for me to accept, especially since I’ve been through so many meds. I want a fix, I want to feel better again; I’m not sure how much more patience I have. However, if I could recover from a severe drug and alcohol addiction at 19 years old, then I can hold on to hope for bipolar ‘remission’. I’ve had times in my life when I was not manic, depressed, hypomanic, or mixed. If it’s happened before, it can happen again. Anything is possible.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 4

Last night I increased my dose to 75mg, per the request of my psychiatrist. I slept a couple hours in the bedroom before coming out to the couch; at that point, I was in and out for the rest of the night. At least I’m getting 6 or 7 hours of sleep each night, even if I can’t sleep through the night, it’s better than nothing.

The only side effect that I seem to have today is that my whole body is sore. Every muscle hurts, as if I just did a major workout a couple days ago, but I didn’t. It seems that this rechallenge is going pretty well. I will schedule an appointment with the lab to get my blood work done again tomorrow.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole