As my days continue to go on, I sit here wondering if and when they will end. Life is exhausting and is often too much for me to handle. I honestly wonder how I make it through all of the “events” and each individual “crisis”. Today, I was so overwhelmed when a company said they didn’t have us scheduled for an appointment, even though the technician wrote down our appointment for us. I was so overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and stressed that I started crying. Apparently, when I get to my breaking point, I end up crying (which I hate doing). I was able to manage the situation on my own (that’s a big deal for me). I spoke to the manager and was able to have someone keep the appointment and come out today.
In my life, there seems to be one problem after another, and another, and another, and so on. I just want a break; a few days, strung together, where problems don’t keep arising. I guess I just have to do my best to go with the flow.
All of these problems that have been coming up have been causing my blood pressure to rise. By taking in deep breaths, I was able to bring my blood pressure down 10 points, down to 146/102. For some reason, the physician’s assistant to me that I need to work on lowering my blood pressure. She told me that I need to relax. I couldn’t believe it! Was she kidding me or was she just completely ignorant? She knew all of my diagnoses. Telling someone to “just relax” is absurd. Anyway, I’m trying to bring my blood pressure down, hopefully it will work even the slightest bit.
Every time I think I’m feeling better, I come to realize that I’m still sick. I felt better yesterday, only to wake up this morning with more symptoms of a cold, but at least I’m not coughing today. It’s been almost two weeks of being sick; it won’t go away no matter what I take.
I’ve had several opportunities for things to do today, but I decided not to do any of them. I passed up meeting some friends for coffee, playing cards with family, and going to the Coyotes game with my husband. It was probably the smart decision not to do any of these things. I’m hoping that staying at home and relaxing will help me feel better quicker.
I’ve been meditating every day for the past week using the guided imagery for women with interstitial cystitis CD. I’ve really been trying to meditate, but it’s really difficult for me. I have made sure to at least try to meditate using the CDs each day. Some days are harder than others, but pretty much every day is difficult. The second I’m supposed to sit down and relax my mind starts to run even faster than normal (which I didn’t know was possible). I start to fidget and get itchy. I try to ignore these things, but the more I ignore them the more obvious they become. I don’t know why meditating is so much work for me. I’m told that it will get easier with practice.
Meditation is supposed to be relaxing, so why do I get anxious when attempting to meditate? The difficulties that I’m having with it are the reasons why I never liked meditating. Despite the difficulties I’m having with meditation, I keep trying because of the benefits that it has. The guided meditation I’m using is supposed to help with my bladder disorder. I’ve been having so many problems with my bladder that I’m willing to try anything in order to see some improvement. There was one time that I was meditating using the CD and I ended up falling asleep. I don’t know if that counts as meditating since I fell asleep in the middle of it, but it does show that I’m getting better because I had to be relaxed in order fall asleep. I can say for certain that I have been giving 100% effort into meditation every day and I will continue to do so for at least one month.