When I was a kid, I was bullied by kids, but I also bullied other kids. For some reason, I didn’t put it together how hurtful it was to be made fun of, so I mocked other kids. The first time I remember being made fun of was in kindergarten, and it still affects me to this day. I remember being laughed at in my Halloween costume by upperclassmen. I go back to those feelings of embarrassment and misery every year at Halloween. I was made fun of at various times from kindergarten through high school. I was even made fun of while I was in the popular group.
I’m ashamed to admit that I bullied other kids, but I need to be honest. When I was bullying others, it was because I thought it was going to make me feel better and increase my self-esteem. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much harm I was doing to others, and that the kids who made fun of me were doing it for the same reason I was. During high school, I was made fun of because I was different from the other kids. I didn’t quite fit it and it was because of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I feel horrible and guilty because I was hurtful back to those that hurt me. I think more about the harm I did to others. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Bullying is permanent; once you emotionally hurt someone, the damage is done.
I don’t know why I feel guilt so often. If someone is upset, I feel as though it is my fault. Not only do I feel guilty, I feel as if I am responsible to resolve the situation. This is an exhausting and daunting task. I’m trying to fix this by not responding to someone when I know I am not at fault. I can say, “I’m sorry you are struggling.” However, I don’t need to take over their situation. I think my husband was the first one that pointed this out to me. I ignored it for a while because I thought he was wrong. However, I’m starting to realize that he is right. It’s not necessarily about what I say to others about feeling guilty, it’s about how I feel internally.
The feeling of guilt is overwhelming and onerous. Does anyone have other suggestions? I’m open to any ideas.
The past couple of days, I’ve been feeling like a total screw up. I feel like I’m doing everything wrong; I’m feeling shame. There are also some things that I’m avoiding because I know/feel as if I’m going to mess it all up. I don’t know where these feelings are coming from. I’m reading into everything that people say; somehow, I can find negative things about myself when others are talking. The “funny” part about it is that people don’t even have to be talking about me for me to find something negative about myself.
I think a lot of it comes from my weight gain. I look in the mirror, and I automatically feel sad and pathetic. All I see is the person I don’t want to be. I feel like I can’t talk to others properly, I can’t stay organized, I can’t workout well enough, I can’t cook right, I can’t get things done, I just can’t do anything right. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. This overwhelming feeling is taking control of my mind and body.
Even though I know that I don’t do everything wrong, I still feel as if I do. I don’t know why that is. For instance, I know I’m a good cook; so why do I feel like the dinners I’m making suck? I’m also a very organized person, but I feel like my house is unorganized and I don’t know how to fix it. I know the truth, but what I don’t know is why I still feel this way even though I know it’s false.
I forgot to take some of my medication last night. Of course it was the most important of all meds, my Clozapine. Right now, I’m feeling very shameful. The one thing I have going for myself is that I’m always compliant. I always take my medications, I always do whatever I’m told to do by my doctors (no matter how much I really don’t want to), and I always follow through on these things. I can’t believe that I forgot to take those pills.
I got home last night from the trip, unpacked, and was so tired I just fell asleep. I should have realized when I woke up two hours later, that I hadn’t taken my Clozapine. I was in and out for the rest of the night on the couch. Why didn’t I take that hint of not being able to sleep through the whole night? I didn’t realize until I was making the bed this morning. At that time, I saw my meds sitting on my nightstand. My first plan was to pretend it didn’t happen and not tell my psychiatrist. Then, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I wasn’t completely honest. So I sent an email to my psychiatrist and told him exactly what happened. I was extremely worried about what he would say, but his response told me not to worry and that I could still go and get my blood work done today.
I felt a little bit better knowing that my psychiatrist isn’t upset, but I’m still upset with myself. I expect myself to always be compliant. However, I was just told that by telling my psychiatrist exactly what happened, I was still being compliant. Complete honesty is what’s necessary for compliance, and that’s what I have done. I suppose I should give myself a break. Everybody makes mistakes; I need to allow myself to make mistakes as well. I need to stop shaming myself, and begin to be proud of myself for my honesty. As always, it’s easier said than done. I guess it’s just another thing to work on.