I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.
I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.
I’m exhausted. I’m overwhelmed. I keep feeling like I won’t be able to make it through the day, but I continue to push myself. I’m just trying to get through each day, one hour at a time. Every moment that I make it through is a huge accomplishment.
I suppose that since my husband is struggling with his mother’s cancer diagnosis and he’s worried about his brother, I feel like I need to be stronger. I know that if I were to say this to my husband, he would disagree. I know he only wants what’s best for me, but I can’t help but feel this way.
I pretend to be stronger than I really am, but pretending can only take me so far. However, with every passing day, I feel as if I’m getting worse. Every day for the past month, at least, I’ve thought about going to a psych unit; however, I don’t end up going. I know that I’m not going to do anything, but the thoughts keep running through my mind. I wish I could take a break from my mind. If only that were possible.
I’m sitting at a gate in the airport. It’s not even the gate that my flight leaves out of. It was the empty gate when I got here, so I thought that it would be a good place for me to sit. I don’t like crowds, especially when people are all around me, including behind me. I was sitting for less than 5 minutes, when suddenly everyone else thought that the area I was in would be a great place to hang out. UGH!
I made it through security alright. Granted, I did forget to take my laptop out and remove my phone from my pocket. The excuse that I’m using is that I’m taking a red-eye flight and I’m simply overly tired. That’s a good excuse.
I have decided to take only some of my night meds. I don’t want to take my Clozapine because that knocks me out cold. If that happens, then if someone next to me touches me or if the fight attendants wake me up for some reason, I would wake up terrified. Plus, the Clozapine makes me drool (so annoying). And I don’t mean I drool a little bit. It’s a lot. Way too much. So I will take my night meds, minus my Clozapine, and add in a Valium. So that’s the plan. I guess I will let you all know tomorrow how this all went. I’m hoping for the best (at least I’m going into it with a positive attitude).
I’m so overly tired the past couple of days. When I’m watching TV, I tend to fall asleep on the couch for hours. Yesterday, I fell asleep for 1 1/2 hours on the couch. I woke up, did a few things, and then fell back asleep for another 2 hours. Then, I slept for 8 hours through the night. I feel like I could sleep for 16 hours a day. I think that my medications might be one of the reasons I’m so tired, although none of my meds have changed. The other reason is because of all the stress.
I try to keep moving. When I’m moving, I can’t fall asleep. I’ve tried to drink energy drinks, but those only seem to last for about an hour or so. I don’t drink coffee, but maybe I should start.
Yesterday, I found out that we have bed bugs. There’s not a lot of them, so the guy thinks it will be easy to take care of; however, it was just another thing to add to the list of crap that has been happening to us lately. Taking care of this issue is not only extremely expensive, but it takes a lot of work, time, and energy. We have to wash and dry all of the bedding, pillows, drapes, shoes, and clothes (from under the bed, the dresser, and the bottom shelf of the closet). Then everything has to be sealed in plastic bags and put in the garage.
I started doing this yesterday, and then the dryer stopped working. That’s when I lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. My thoughts were so negative with suicidal ideations that wouldn’t go away. My husband ended up coming home two hours early from work. That was a huge help. I finally stopped crying and was able to function. We took everything that had to be washed/dried to the laundromat. We ended up doing 12 loads of laundry all at once. He was so helpful and supportive. Without his assistance, I would have spent the rest of the day crying with horrible thoughts in my head.
We probably got at least half of everything done. I still have more work that has to be done, but I have until Wednesday to finish it all. Hopefully we don’t have any more crises happen in our lives for a little while. I know life will always happen, but I’m hoping for a break from other disasters.
Today was a rough day. I had to watch my dog be ill. It seemed like he was giving up on life, but I didn’t want to have him put to sleep too early, and it was a good call that I waited it out. Later in the day, he finally stood up, walked a little bit, went to the bathroom, and he even ate a treat (none of which he would do earlier in the day). He rebounded physically; he still has some life left in him. However, he appears to be going downhill again. My husband got him to actually eat dinner, but it doesn’t seem like he’s going to rebound again. I think the fact that he won’t eat regularly, won’t walk, and won’t wag his tail is his way of telling me that he’s ready. I just don’t want him to be in pain and suffer. It’s such a hard decision to make; I just want to do what’s right for my dog. I’m sleeping out on the couch tonight so I can be close to him in case he needs me.
I’m massively overwhelmed. I keep going from feeling nothing at all to feeling everything and crying. I have too much going on right now. I just closed on buying a house yesterday. I’m officially a homeowner, for the first time ever. I’m also dealing with my dog being sick and dying. There are many, many small things going on that I have to deal with in every aspect of life. I don’t know how to handle everything. Luckily, I have three weeks to move, so I can take my time and do it right. I’m going to take everything in life, one step at a time.
I had an ECT treatment just a few hours ago. The treatment went well. I got home and rested on the couch. I keep falling asleep and waking up. It’s somewhat annoying. I don’t mind that I’m falling asleep, I just wish I could stay asleep and actually get some rest. Sometimes, after ECT, I fall asleep for hours, and some other times I can’t fall asleep at all. Today, I’m only getting about 30 minutes of rest at a time, and my body needs more than that. In fact, I’ve fallen asleep about 3 or 4 times while writing this. At this point, I’m going to go lay down and try to get some more rest. Hopefully, if I get some rest, I’ll be able to stay awake and watch a movie.
Today my depression is extremely bad. Moving at all, even just to get up and go to the bathroom, is more than difficult. My body hurts, my mind is sad, and I don’t believe that anything can help me, at least not today. I’m still waiting for ECT to call me to schedule my first session back with them. Waiting is so hard. ECT feels like my last hope, and it’s hard to have hope and wait at the same time. Hopefully, today will go by a little quicker than it has been.
I’ve been so busy for the past six days taking care of and worrying about my dog. Now that he’s improving, I no longer have to worry so much. He doesn’t require my full attention all of the time, and that allows the depression to get worse. My husband asked what I’m depressed about and I tried to explain that there’s no reason, it’s just a part of the bipolar disorder that I have. He didn’t quite explain, but he tries and I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.
Life is starting to get back to normal, now that Cash is starting to feel better. I’m exhausted from all of my extra anxiety and worrying over the last few days. I’m trying to do a few things that I’ve been putting off for a while. The biggest thing is gathering all of my information for taxes. Tax time is pretty overwhelming, especially since I know I’m going to owe money this year. I’m trying to gather my tax documents a little bit at a time in order to reduce the stress.