Friday was the beginning of the Clozaril rechallenge (generic is Clozapine) process. I had my blood work done; there was some difficulty getting the lab to send the results to my doctor and my pharmacy. It was partially my fault, I did give them the wrong fax number for the pharmacy, but it took 4 phone calls to try to fix the mistake. Even when they finally said the problem was resolved, it turns out that it wasn’t; the pharmacy never received the results. Luckily, I ended up talking to one of the nicest and most caring pharmacists since my father and aunt. He was happy to call the lab himself and request my results so that I could get my prescription. Once he got my lab results, he realized that I had to be registered again in the Clozapine Database because I hadn’t taken the medication since this past summer; all patients need to be registered by both their pharmacist and their doctor. My pharmacist told me he would call me once the registration is complete so I can get my prescription filled. There aren’t many pharmacists that are as polite and happy to help as he was.
Sometime tomorrow I should receive a phone call from the pharmacy letting me know I can bring in my prescription. I admit that I am nervous. I’m not nervous that I will end up with some of the horrible side effects of Clozapine such as neutropenia, which is an abnormally low level of white blood cells, making the patient susceptible to infections. This is why there are so many protocols with Clozapine. I feel like I should be nervous about it, but I’m not. What I am nervous about is the fact that I don’t know if this will work or not. I’m trying to remain positive; I keep saying that this time it will work, I won’t get a fever, I won’t have to go to the hospital, and there won’t be any problems. I’ve been so nervous about this rechallenge, my anxiety level has been much higher than normal; I’m anxious even sitting at home in my comfort zone.
Is this weird that I’m more concerned the medication won’t work than I am concerned that the med will cause serious side effects? I think it’s just because I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I have had suicidal ideations for more than 5 months. My hallucinations keep getting worse making the paranoia intolerable. And in my mind, the worst part of it all is that I won’t do anything about it. I can’t take my own life, no matter how much I think about it. I know that technically that’s a good thing, but if you lived in my mind for even a day, you would understand. Every day I put a smile on my face and do my best to pretend everything is okay, but inside I’m a disaster. I want to live and be happy to be alive. I need this medication to be the answer. I’ve taken pretty much every other medication and I still do ECTs. I currently take 7 other psychiatric medications, 2 additional meds to treat side effects, and 3 other medications for physical conditions. I just need to catch a break, I’m hoping that will happen with this Clozapine rechallenge. We’re all about to find out.