Bipolar Extremes: Finding Balance

I tend to be quite the extremist when it comes to my mood swings. I either have so much energy that I can’t stop cleaning or I can barely get off the couch to get anything done. I will admit that I somewhat enjoy the first few days of my manic episodes. I love the fact that I can get so much done; my house looks beautiful, dinner is always ready for my husband, I find it easier to run errands, I call my family and friends to catch up, I need less sleep, and some things are less anxiety provoking than usual. I love all of that; if only it would stay that way, but it never does. I run out of things to do, I start pacing and shaking, I make random and inappropriate phone calls, and I spend money more freely than I usually would; these are just a few examples of my bipolar mania. Often, when I’m manic, I still feel pathetic, worthless, and insignificant, as well as deal with suicidal ideations. I think that some of these episodes are considered mixed episodes because of how badly I feel about myself; mania generally has feelings of elation.

As my manic episodes come to an end, I tend to crash hard. All of the sudden, I’m sleeping way more than I need, I have a hard time getting out of bed or getting up to do just about anything, and my feelings of worthlessness and uselessness grow even deeper along with my suicidal ideations. I never get a break from feeling horrible about myself, no matter what type of episode I’m in. While I like the productivity aspect of the mania, there is not one part of the depression that I enjoy. I wish there was a way that I could feel okay and still be productive, but I haven’t found one yet.

What I really want is to find some middle ground somewhere. I must have experienced it at some point during my life, but right now, I can’t remember any moment like that. Maybe it’s just because of my memory loss from ECT. I know that I have come out of a few major episodes before, but no matter how balanced I seem, there is always something going on in my head telling me how pathetic I am. I just have to trust that I have had balanced times in my life. This is where positive thinking comes into play. It’s not easy to be positive, but there are several techniques that I use to help me through these difficult times. None of these techniques are easy to do, but they are vital to our health.

Use these techniques to get past the bipolar extremes and find peace and balance in our lives:

Remember there is always hope; believe in that hope. If you can’t, having someone else believe for you can help. When I can’t, my husband and mother believe for me.
Reach out to your loved ones and caregivers.
Find a support group that you’re comfortable with.
Be 100% honest with your psychiatrist, otherwise they can’t help you.
Take your medication as directed, otherwise it won’t work properly.
Write down the different methods that help you feel better and worse so you know what to do and not to do in the future.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 9

Last night, I increased my Clozapine dose to 100mg and decreased my Seroquel dose to 100mg as instructed by my psychiatrist. I fell asleep last night around 2:00am and I was in and out until 8:30am. I probably got a total combination of 5 1/2 hours, which isn’t that bad. I woke up with sore muscles and I feel pretty tired, but it’s not as bad as it has previously been. I’m a bit unsteady on my feet, which is a new side effect for me. I still feel pressure in my throat, but it appears to be getting better. The chest pressure is there again, but very minor. And my temperature is 97.7. So I guess I do have a lot of side effects today, but I think they will go away as the day goes on, just like it has been happening every other day.

I have a busy day today that I’m looking forward to. My step-son, who is 24 years old, is coming over to visit. I love spending time with my step-kids. Then we’re going to dinner at my step-daughter’s house, she is 22 years old, which means I get to see my granddaughter again. We saw her this past Sunday, but I felt so weak from the medication that I was afraid to hold her; I didn’t want to drop her if my muscles gave out like they have a few other times. I’m going to continue to try to think positive even though it’s extremely difficult, at the very least, it can’t hurt.

I Try To Be Honest

I almost always fake being okay. It’s not often that I actually feel well, but it’s so much easier to respond to people by simply saying ‘I’m good’ with a smile, than it is to tell people how life really is. Most of the time, I can’t even explain to myself how I’m feeling. The words are easier to say, but not easy; however, the smile can be extremely difficult, if not impossible at times. Usually, when people ask you how you’re doing, they’re doing it to be polite. So what’s wrong with a polite answer?

I was having trouble falling asleep last night, so I was watching TV and trying to figure out what was going on in my mind. Even though a big part of how I’m feeling is because of the Clozapine, some of it is my own mind, and it has really been bothering me. What I came to realize is that when I fake being okay to others, I’m actually lying to them; even if it’s just lying by omission. One of the few things I’ve truly been proud of over the years is my honesty, and now I’m unsure if I can even count that.

This doesn’t mean I have to tell strangers in passing about my life, but I should tell those that love and support me how I’m doing. However, I don’t know if I can do that. I haven’t even been able to be honest with myself regarding how I feel. It takes a lot of work to be able to honestly tell others how you’re feeling. I just assume that most people don’t really want to hear it. When you’re bipolar, how you’re doing can change from day-to-day and even moment-to-moment. I think the people who I need to be honest with are those closest to me. Sometimes I withhold information for a little while, but I always end up telling them at some point.

I used to think that I was an honest person; but I am wondering if I’m dishonest because I withhold information at times and fake how I’m feeling. No matter how much honesty comes out of my mouth, it’s still not all there. I can only think of a few people who really want to know, and I am always honest with these few individuals; my closest family, husband, best friend, and doctors, to the best of my ability. Maybe I can still think of myself as honest; I do my best to be honest with loved ones. Not one person is 100% honest; I guess this is where I cut myself some slack.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 8

I slept approximately 4 hours, but I don’t feel too exhausted yet. I just couldn’t fall asleep for some reason. My psychiatrist had me cut my Seroquel in half since I slept almost 12 hours the day before. I was happy to do so; it just made it difficult to fall asleep, but the sleep I did get was good. Physically, the only problem I’m feeling is a sore throat. It’s more like a small lump in my throat on the right side that I feel as I breathe in. Other than that and being somewhat tired, I feel perfectly fine. I think that I’ll feel better as the day goes on, that’s how it usually goes. I have a lot to do today, hopefully my body can keep up with me.

I Can’t Even Fake Okay

I couldn’t even fake being okay today. I tried, I seriously gave it my all, but between the emotional aspect and the physical side due to medication side effects, I was pretty much a wreck. There was a get-together at my mother-in-law’s house just because, basically to see our granddaughter. Technically, she’s my husband’s granddaughter, but I feel like she is mine as well, and step-granddaughter just sounds weird. She is 6 months old and absolutely beautiful. I wasn’t feeling very well today, I had a lot of physical weakness. I was too nervous to hold the baby because of the weakness; I didn’t want her to get hurt. I have dropped several things I was supposed to be holding, such as dinner bowls, I didn’t want her to be added to that list. So I didn’t have as much time with her as I wanted, and that breaks my heart.

I went to the family get-together in a difficult emotional state to begin with. Earlier in the day, someone seemed upset, so I asked if everything was okay. The response I got was that I ask too many questions and it can be frustrating. The way I took it is that I talk too much; my memory is horrible causing me to ask too many questions, and that I’m overall annoying. I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that, but this is where the bipolar kicks in; my mind always goes to the extremes. So I spent the rest of the day trying not to talk, which is extremely hard for me. My memory is horrible due to ECT and I talk so much and ask a lot of questions because of the bipolar mixed episode that I’ve been in. I guess I don’t take negative feedback very well.

I think it bothered me so much because I don’t feel like I have control over myself, my memory, how much I talk, or what I say. I tried my best to fake feeling happy. I would have tolerated being able to fake feeling okay, but I could barely even do that. I used to think that I could always fake being okay, but today proved that I’m wrong. I don’t want to annoy this person, but if today bothered them because of how much I was talking or asking questions, then I think it must bother them every day. All I can think is that I must annoy this person all the time. Every time I have started to open my mouth that was thought that went through my mind. So I’ve done my best to be quiet, although I know that’s not the best answer. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 7

I fell asleep on the couch last night in the middle of doing something. I slept about 2 hours on the couch then woke up and we to bed. Then I slept 9 hours in bed, without waking up! I can’t believe I slept that much. I assume it’s because of the Clozapine; it does have a sedation side effect. I know that it’s not technically possible to catch up on missed sleep, but I really needed that.

I have some pressure in my chest and throat when I breathe deep, but that’s all. I don’t think it’s worse than yesterday. I tend to get tired easier than I normally would. Taking a shower and getting dressed yesterday wiped me out. I was going to go to a friend’s house, but I didn’t have the energy to do it. However, my temperature is still good at 97.0, so I think I’m doing well. Today, I go pick up my prescription for this coming week, since I can only get one week at a time.

Maintaining Relationships

Relationships are particularly difficult when you’re dealing with bipolar disorder. Personally, I struggle when it comes to reaching out to those I care about. I prefer having just a couple close friends that I can trust, than having a large group of friends. It takes a lot of work to remember to reach out to friends and family. In fact, if I want to reach out to someone, I have to put it on my to-do list. Currently, I have a couple of close friends that I try to reach out to on a regular basis, and thankfully, they also reach out to me. My family members are not diagnosed with bipolar disorder, although my friends are almost all diagnosed with some type of mental health illness.

Having friends that also battle with mental health disorders is both positive and negative. It’s wonderful to have friends that understand what I’m going through, but that also means that these individuals deal with the same things that I struggle with, and I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone. I have had several friends of the past decade that I became close with; I will always be grateful for those relationships; however, I may be doing okay and my friend begins to go through an episode and distances themselves from me. This is difficult to handle, but I understand how and why it happens. It’s important to remember that when this happens, it’s usually due to their bipolar and mental health episodes and not because of me. I have had this happen to me several times, and I have also done this to others many times depending on state of mind. When someone who is diagnosed with bipolar disorder backs away from you, it is important to know that it is most likely because they are struggling, it’s not personal.

I’m currently attempting to reach out more to my family. I believe that family is the most important thing in life; no one will ever love and support you like your family does, at least that is my experience. Someone recently asked me how my relationship was going with one of my family members. I told him that it was improving; I have decided to reach out to them more often. The conclusion I have come to is that I cannot expect others to put forth any effort in our relationship unless I am willing to do the same. If I want to have a relationship with anyone, I need to work at it. Surprisingly, it’s a lot easier than I thought it would be. Even just a text message to say hello can mean a great deal to another person.

I’m working on reach out to my friends and family in many ways. Most of it is because of the support I receive. I use the following methods to help maintain my relationships:

I write on my to-do list who to call or text that day so I make sure it gets done.
I put things in my phone’s calendar as another reminder.
I listen to my husband; he often suggests appropriate things for me to do.
I make ‘dates’ with friends and family. Once something is scheduled, I’m very unlikely to cancel it.
I tell my loved ones how much they mean to me. I go through periods where I can’t express this at all, so I make sure to do so when I can.
I try to support and encourage my friends. Treat others as you want to be treated.
Relationships are hard for me; they’re also hard for others. I have to remember to cut others some slack; keep the expectations to a minimum.

Using these techniques, I have been able to maintain friendships, and I am happy to say that I have become closer with my family. Friends and family provide support, which is vital to my mental health.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 6

My psychiatrist is having stay at 75mg for a bit because of the side effects I’ve been having. Last night I only woke up once, at 3:00am, and then I was able to go back to sleep without a problem. That was amazing! When I woke up this morning, I didn’t have any of the side effects that I’ve been having previously.

I actually feel pretty good, except when I breathe deep, my chest hurts a little. I don’t think it’s anything. I got my blood test back, there are a few things that are above normal, including my white blood cell count, but I don’t know what that means. I will just have to wait to find out from my doctor. I tried to do research to figure it out, but I still don’t know what it all means. No matter what, I feel better today than I have since I started this medication.

Honesty Helps Fix My Lack of Control

It’s extremely difficult for people to manage their bipolar disorder. In fact, for me, it’s probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to handle. I’ve dealt with the death of my father as a teenager, a drug and alcohol addiction, maintaining sobriety, a previous relationship that was physically and emotionally abusive, and the loss of several friends due to suicide or drug addiction; these things are only a few of the circumstances I’ve dealt with, and for me, none of them compare to dealing with my bipolar disorder on a daily basis.

To me, it feels as if I often don’t have control over my own brain, mouth, and even my body. I frequently find myself saying things that should not be said or doing things that I should not do. My brain is always running, always thinking, it doesn’t take a break. I’m generally thinking about all of the things I did wrong, but I also think about different options I have, I’m on overload. My mind has no balance. It feels as if I have no control over my own mind. It jumps from subject to subject, never thinking any thought completely through. I often act on my emotions instead of logical thinking. I do the best I can to make the right choices, but when it’s left up to my brain, I never know what the results will be like.

I know this sounds weird, but I love rules; any set of instructions or guidelines that I can follow make my life easier. I don’t have to listen to my brain or attempt figure out what the right thing to do is. I don’t worry about my lack of control over myself, I simply do what I’m told is the right thing to do. I have a hard time being dishonest about anything. I know that honesty is the best policy, but sometimes there is such a thing as too much honesty. If I’m not completely honest with others, my mind keeps telling me how horrible I am, and then I can’t function or sleep. I’ve lived the majority of my life without control, following rules gives me control; it gives me power.

I no longer have to struggle to organize my mind to figure out what I should and should not do, I no longer have to worry if every single thing I did was right or wrong, and I no longer have to worry if I can live with the choices I made. As long as I am honest to the best of my ability, I feel free from the bipolar restraints and the lack of control that comes along with it; I can find balance in my life. Following rules and being honest is so much easier than doing anything else; there are already a set of instructions laid out for me, giving my mind some peace and quiet, which is something that almost never occurs. Of course my mind doesn’t stop, and there are still so many thoughts going on in there, but at least I don’t have to figure everything out on my own. I encourage others to try being honest and follow rules if they’re comfortable doing so, even if it’s as simple as following the instructions on a recipe or game. Maybe it will work for you, maybe it won’t, but I hope that it does, because I would really love to share the peace that it brings me.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 5

Today is day 5 of the Clozapine rechallenge. I took 75mg again last night as instructed. My psychiatrist didn’t want we to increase the dose because of yesterday’s side effects. I’m sleeping a little better; I slept for a couple hours in bed and then I came out to the couch where I was able to sleep a couple additional hours straight through. Then I also dealt with sleep on and off for a few hours, but this is still improvement from what it used to be, and that’s all I care about.

Today I have some muscle soreness again, but not as bad as yesterday. My soreness did improve yesterday as the day went on. My psychiatrist had me take my temperature to make sure there was no fever, and it was low at 97.2, which is good. My temperature today is 98.3, which is still good. I get a little dizzy if I stand up to quickly, so I just need to be cautious.

I go and get my weekly blood work done again today. My psychiatrist wrote me a new lab form to hopefully prevent the issues we had last week with my pharmacist obtaining the results.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: April 2016