There are some people, that no matter how many times you explain it to them, or how many times they see you have an anxiety attack, they will never understand. I don’t think really ask for too much. All I want is to know what is going on.  My first 2 visits today went wonderfully. I had a fantastic time visiting with people as planned. My third visit was a bit more difficult. Despite the difficulties, I’m still glad I got to see everyone I was hoping to see. I’m also very grateful that I took a Valium before going to third visit of the day. If I hadn’t taken anything, I probably would have had an anxiety or panic attack at their house because of the surprises I encountered.

I ended up going over to a family member’s house to visit with my nieces and nephew. I was finally told what time to come over a couple of hours before the actual visit (I had only been trying to make the plans for 2 weeks). I drive up to their house, knock on the door, and my nephew lets me in. I’m ecstatic to see him, he’s grown so much. I step into the kitchen and see 2 people who I don’t know at all. Apparently, my brother-in-law planned on having his mother and sister come over for dinner, but no one told me about this. He knows that I struggle with new people. All I wanted would have been to be informed of who would be there. Also, those other people, who turned out to be extremely nice, get to see the kids pretty often. I get to see the kids approximately 2 hours every 6 months. So I also had to share my time with the kids with these other individuals.

The visit was still nice, but it was far from what I expected. Visits always change when you add in other people. I need to change my expectations. Sadly, I can’t and often don’t expect much from others. I generally think I’m going to be let down. Next time, I’m going to do my best not to expect a visit, personal alone time with the kids, or even a response to my text messages. I’m not going to change how I feel about anyone. I love my family and would do anything for them; however, I need to protect myself. By lowering my expectations or having none at all, I’m simply guarding myself from being let down or disappointed. I will still try to see everyone; I’m just going to try my best not to have ideas in my head of how the visits are going to go.

The lessons I learned here are to keep my hopes and expectations to a minimum or not have them at all if possible. It’s another reminder for me to love my family no matter what. Also, it makes me extremely grateful for my relationship with my mother. Everything between us is so simple and loving; I’m so appreciative of everything her and I have.

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