Tag: Gratitude

I’m Back…

I’m Back…

I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.

I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.

Homesick

Homesick

I grew up in Connecticut, but I currently live in Arizona. Being that far away from my family is extremely hard for me. Family is very important to me; it’s a struggle not being able to see them whenever I want. Thankfully, I see my mom every 3 months, but I don’t always see the rest of my family. I’m excited because in less than 6 weeks, I will get to see my whole family. I’m counting the days now!

There have been several moments where I came close to caving and asking my mom to bring me home, but I stuck it out. I get home sick for Connecticut fairly often. Especially this time of year, I miss the fall foliage; I deeply miss the beauty of New England. When I struggle with homesickness, my anxiety is almost always increased.

I’m lucky to get along with all of my in-laws. However, sometimes the more time I spend with my in-laws, the more I miss my own family. No matter how much time I spend with my in-laws or how well we get along, I still miss my family. I wonder if being homesick this often is normal.

Generally, when I’m in Connecticut, I miss my husband and friends and want to go back to Arizona. When I’m in Arizona, I miss my family and want to be in Connecticut. No matter where I am, I want to be somewhere else. Does anyone have thoughts on the subject? Do other people get along with their family as well as I do?

 

Getting Through The Days

Getting Through The Days

I went to the gym with my husband today. We had a great workout. I’m proud of myself for not pushing too hard. I normally push past the pain, and then I end up regretting it later. I’ve had a lot of knee pain over the years. I had a double knee surgery to correct the misalignment of my knees in 2009. I know that I’m going to need another knee surgery at some point, but I don’t want that to be any time soon. So it’s important not to push myself too hard on certain exercises, such as weighted squats and lunges.

After our workout, we went to visit with my father-in-law. We don’t see him often enough. He’s so nice and easy to get along with. We’re going to see him tomorrow too. My husband’s birthday is on Wednesday, he’ll be 42. I told him it’s like turning 21, twice. We’ll see his mom on Wednesday; she wants to through a ‘party’ for him. I’m a bit apprehensive because I don’t know who will be there. I just found out that she invited some aunts, uncles, and cousins. I like everyone; that’s not the problem. It’s just difficult when there are that many people in one house. My husband even said that all he wanted was for me, his mom and her boyfriend, his brother, and his kids to get together; but that’s not what’s happening. Plus, we want to see our granddaughter. The more people who are there, the less time we get to spend with her.

No matter what the circumstances, it will all work out okay. It just means that I will probably end up taking a Valium before I get to the party. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just another thing that adds stress. But I’d rather have too much family than not enough of it. We’re lucky to have loving and caring family on both sides; his family and my family. Having family that cares and supports us is wonderful.

Real Neat Blog Award

Real Neat Blog Award

I would like to thank DecodingBipolar for nominating me for the Real Neat Blog Award. I’m honored that you thought to nominate me. I love reading your blog every day; it’s so easily relatable. Please check out her blog, if you have not done so already.

The questions to answer including my answers:

1. Where do most visits to your blog come from?
Most of the people who view my blog are from the United States. I also receive a good number of views from the United Kingdom and Canada.

2. What is your favorite sport?
I love hockey. My husband brought me to one game, and I’ve been hooked ever since.

3. What has been a special moment for you so far in 2016?
I got to spend this past Mother’s Day with my mom and grandma. It was a simple and wonderful day. Any time I get to be with my family is special to me. Also, I spent the evening with my 8 month old granddaughter last night, and I got to make her laugh and smile. Normally, she laughs at my husband, but this time she laughed at me!

4. What is your favorite quote?
“Better to have, and not need, than to need, and not have.” – Franz Kafka
To me, this quote by Kafka reminds me to stay prepared, and it has been helpful many times in my life.

5. What was your favorite class when still at school?
I loved any math and science classes. I like things that make sense and can be proven. I love having a right and wrong answer to any question.

6. Anything you had wished to have learned earlier?
I wish I had learned to accept myself for who I am earlier. I’m harder on myself than I am on anyone else. I’m still learning how to give myself a break. It’s a task that’s much easier said than done. It would have been nice to start learning to do this sooner.

7. What musical instrument have you tried to play?
I have played many instruments over the years, but the one that has stuck with me is the piano. I started it when I was about 6 years old. Over the years I have also played the clarinet, bass clarinet, oboe, and the alto saxophone. Playing the piano is my favorite, and my next favorite is the saxophone.

I nominate the following:
Story of my Life
Closer to the Middle
Wallflower or Butterfly
Bipolar Strength: Rebel with a Cause
Tony Vega dot Net

The rules are:
1. Put the award logo on your blog.
2. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
3. Thank the person who nominated you, linking to their blog.
4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
5. Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog etc.)

I’m Not Always Positive, But I’m Always Grateful

I’m Not Always Positive, But I’m Always Grateful

I talk a lot about staying positive and how positive thinking is beneficial. Sometimes I feel like a fraud when I talk about being positive because it’s not how I naturally feel. My mind almost always goes to the negative side instinctively. Some people are naturally positive, and others are not. For me, it takes a lot of work to be positive, most of the time I’m faking my positivity. There’s a catch phrase that says, “Fake it ’til you make it.” That’s what I’m doing most of the time. I try to talk and write positively in hopes that eventually I’ll end up believing my own words. Sometimes, when I’m dealing with an anxiety provoking situation, I tell myself over and over, “I can do this.” Even though I don’t necessarily believe myself, it gets my brain to start thinking about something other than what is scaring me. It almost always ends up working out okay. That specific strategy helped me while at the airport, which is a huge anxiety trigger for me.

Lately, I’ve been seeing the negative side of everything. I will vent for a little while, and when I’m done, it turns out that I’ve talked myself through the negativity and into positivity. Even though my mind sees more negative things than positive things, at least I see some positive things. I may start out venting, being angry, and negative; however, it helps that I’m able to end my thoughts on a positive note.

I may not always be positive, but I am grateful. Even though my life has been difficult, it could always be worse. I try to remain grateful for at least one thing, no matter how difficult life gets. Gratitude can seem impossible, but there is always something to be grateful for. For example, despite the difficulty I’ve experienced over the past many years, I still have my sobriety. I’m also extremely lucky to have a family that accepts me and does their best to understand my bipolar disorder. That is more than many other people have. No matter how bad life gets, I can always fall back on these things that I’m grateful for. It’s been very helpful for me to have these things I know I’m always grateful for; my loved ones can remind me of them when I forget.

Visiting Family

Visiting Family

There are some people, that no matter how many times you explain it to them, or how many times they see you have an anxiety attack, they will never understand. I don’t think really ask for too much. All I want is to know what is going on.  My first 2 visits today went wonderfully. I had a fantastic time visiting with people as planned. My third visit was a bit more difficult. Despite the difficulties, I’m still glad I got to see everyone I was hoping to see. I’m also very grateful that I took a Valium before going to third visit of the day. If I hadn’t taken anything, I probably would have had an anxiety or panic attack at their house because of the surprises I encountered.

I ended up going over to a family member’s house to visit with my nieces and nephew. I was finally told what time to come over a couple of hours before the actual visit (I had only been trying to make the plans for 2 weeks). I drive up to their house, knock on the door, and my nephew lets me in. I’m ecstatic to see him, he’s grown so much. I step into the kitchen and see 2 people who I don’t know at all. Apparently, my brother-in-law planned on having his mother and sister come over for dinner, but no one told me about this. He knows that I struggle with new people. All I wanted would have been to be informed of who would be there. Also, those other people, who turned out to be extremely nice, get to see the kids pretty often. I get to see the kids approximately 2 hours every 6 months. So I also had to share my time with the kids with these other individuals.

The visit was still nice, but it was far from what I expected. Visits always change when you add in other people. I need to change my expectations. Sadly, I can’t and often don’t expect much from others. I generally think I’m going to be let down. Next time, I’m going to do my best not to expect a visit, personal alone time with the kids, or even a response to my text messages. I’m not going to change how I feel about anyone. I love my family and would do anything for them; however, I need to protect myself. By lowering my expectations or having none at all, I’m simply guarding myself from being let down or disappointed. I will still try to see everyone; I’m just going to try my best not to have ideas in my head of how the visits are going to go.

The lessons I learned here are to keep my hopes and expectations to a minimum or not have them at all if possible. It’s another reminder for me to love my family no matter what. Also, it makes me extremely grateful for my relationship with my mother. Everything between us is so simple and loving; I’m so appreciative of everything her and I have.