Anxiety Level Rising – Fears About Treatment

My anxiety finally started to lessen after my psych appointment yesterday. I think it’s the fact that I now have a plan of action regarding my bipolar depression. Today, I’m going to call and make an appointment with my PCP to get a physical, EKG, and blood work, which is required for me to start ECT again (because of the anesthesia). However, my anxiety started to rise again late last night. I think that now it’s the fear of going back to ECT.

What if it doesn’t work? Is there anything that can help me (and have it last for more than a few months)? What if it does work? Will I be doing this for the rest of my life? Will the medications he’s going to give me for the memory loss and migraines/jaw pain actually work? There are so many questions in my mind that will only be answered with time.

Psych Appointment

Today is my appointment with my psychiatrist. I’ve been looking forward to this but I’ve also been extremely nervous about it. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed my psychiatrist telling him that I wanted to get off of the Clozapine because of the side effects such as severe weight gain, and that I wanted to try IV Ketamine. He responded to me and said that this is something we need to discuss in person and that he didn’t want me to get off the Clozapine. My psychiatrist suggested that I bring my husband with me, so I am.

I was upset when I first received the email, but with the help of my mom and my aunt, I realized that he is looking out for my best interests. I’m going to this appointment with an open mind. I wrote down everything I want to say to him and all of the questions I have. I have decided to do whatever it is that he thinks is best. I trust him and I know that he is looking out for me. I have a feeling I will be going back to ECT, but I’m not sure yet.

I’ve had a lot of anxiety lately and I think that comes from not knowing what the next step is. I have a feeling that my anxiety will reduce after this appointment because I will have a plan in place. I will let you all know how the appointment goes.

Seeing A Friend

Today started off bad. I’m having problems with my Interstitial Cystitis, which is my bladder disorder. This is not the way I like to start off the day. IC causes pain, anxiety, and other problems. Oh well.

However, I will be going to visit a friend later today, so that makes my day better. It’s a friend I met from my old bipolar support group. It’s so great visiting with someone who understands exactly what I’m going through. I just have to get through each day one moment at a time.

Celebration of Christmas Show

I went to the Celebration of Christmas yesterday with my husband and his father’s side of the family. There were seven of us. I already knew everyone, so that made it more comfortable for me. We also had the best seats in the house. I didn’t realize how big the show was. There were hundreds of people there, maybe even more than a thousand. We got there early. I took a half of a Valium, just enough to take the edge off the anxiety. It worked perfectly and I was able to enjoy the fantastic show. Then we all went out to dinner together. It was really nice to spend that time with my father-in-law’s side of the family. We don’t spend enough time together, but we’re working on it.

My psychiatrist prescribes me Valium 10mg twice a day as needed for my anxiety. I do my best not to take it that often. My last one month prescription of Valium last me six months. I take it only when necessary and only the amount that I need. Valium can be addictive and I don’t want to risk my sobriety. It’s better safe than sorry. Plus, the less often I take it, the better it works.

Christmas Celebration Begins Already

With the holidays just around the corner, there are a lot of family gatherings and obligations I have to uphold. They family stuff starts today. We’re going to a church to see a musical theater Christmas production with my father-in-law. I may not be a big fan of holidays and churches, but I definitely love the theater. My father-in-law and his girlfriend have invited us to this event for several years and this is the first time we are able to go. I expect to have a lot of anxiety leading up to this event, but once I’m there and in my seat I will feel much better.

We have several gatherings to attend over the next 8 or 9 days. Some I’m more excited about that others. I wish that some of the people we saw on Christmas or Christmas Eve were my side of the family, but I know that’s not possible. I did just spend a week back in Connecticut with my family, but I always miss every single person when the holidays come around.

I Said No

My mother-in-law called. I answered and had a nice talk with her. She told me about one of our cousins who lives close by. He just graduated from college and his wife is throwing him a party tonight at 7pm. My mother-in-law asked me if I wanted to go to the party. My heart started racing and my anxiety rapidly increased. I almost never say ‘no’ to people, but this time I did. I honestly said, ‘It would be too much for me’. I was worried that my mother-in-law would be upset or disappointed, but she wasn’t at all. Her exact response was ‘Good for you for knowing your boundaries.’

I finally set boundaries and did the right thing for myself! And even better, I didn’t disappoint or upset anyone while doing so. I always think I need to say ‘yes’ to everything, even if it would be too difficult for me to do. I’ve been working on setting boundaries for a while now. Today is the first time that I said ‘no’ right away and with ease. I’m so proud of myself right now. Practice makes perfect.

Confrontation Intimidates Me

I don’t like disagreements, fights, altercations, disputes, or arguments of any kind. I get extremely uncomfortable in any type of confrontations. There are many arguments that occur without yelling. Sometimes there are just harsh yet passive aggressive remarks. When confrontations occur, my anxiety quickly starts as I usually end up getting very quiet and try to find somewhere that private and without noise. I don’t respond well to others at that time.

I really need to learn how to handle confrontations. I need to stand up for myself at times, and also admit when I’m wrong.

Marketplace Appeal Difficulties

I’m trying to follow through on an appeal that I sent into the Marketplace a couple of months ago. I received a letter basically saying that I need to pay back the tax credit we received in 2016. Fine, it was only a little bit each month. But I still don’t agree with their overall decision and I want to make sure that the same thing doesn’t happen for 2017. I gathered all of my information and called the number in the letter, but they weren’t very helpful.

I get so anxious over these type of issues and calling in to resolve issues. I don’t mind the first phone call because I can prepare myself for what I want to say. However, I don’t know how to respond when they answer or don’t answer my questions. I always end up saying, “Thanks for your help.” My anxiety prevents me from thinking on my feet. I’m going to get some help from my mom, she’s great at this kind of stuff. But I still need to work on responding to people on the spot.

It’s Not About Me

I followed through on my plan yesterday; I went to both of my blood work appointments and then went to the party for my step-son. The party started out great, but went downhill at the end. My mother-in-law was overwhelmed by the end of the party and wasn’t feeling well, so she said it was time for everyone to go. Normally, I would take that personally and I would spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I did wrong. However, this time, I know that it wasn’t about me.

It was about her being overwhelmed and in pain. I simply said goodbye to everyone as we all left and went home. It’s so much easier not to take everything personally, but I’m normally not able to do that. I’m going to keep working on doing that in my every day life. It’s a lot less anxiety, fear, worry, and concern to deal with.

Putting Myself First

My step-son turns 25 today and my mother-in-law is throwing a last-minute party for him. I don’t like last-minute plans. Planning ahead helps me keep my anxiety down. The party is at 11:30, but I have a doctor’s appointment at 11:00am and blood work after that. I guess I will just show up late. Normally, I would reschedule my appointments, but I’m learning that I don’t have to drop everything every time someone invites me to something or asks me for help. I can take care of myself first. I have a hard time putting myself first, but the more I try, the easier it becomes.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Anxiety and Panic