I find myself isolating more and more. I feel the depression getting worse as each day goes by. I have no desire to talk to people, and when I do talk to people, it’s difficult. Writing is also difficult. I guess I just don’t have anything I think is worth sharing with others. That is not normal for me; that’s the depression. Usually, I’m a very talkative person, but now. Right now, I would prefer to stay home and do nothing, but that’s not always possible. I do the best I can when I’m out in public and when I’m talking to others, but it’s getting harder as each day passes.
It’s hard enough to keep up relationships with friends. For me, when I’m in a depression, I isolate; I’m happy to do so because it’s easier than talking to people. However, one thing I should be doing all the time is communicating with my family. If it was only that easy. I’ve learned that I can text my siblings a message that simply says, “Just saying hi”. That’s enough for me and for them. If they’re available, they will text me back. My siblings live very busy lives. Today, my brother responded and we had a texting conversation, and that made me smile. Every once in a while we will talk, but we don’t need to all the time. The simple text message lets them know I’m thinking of them and that I care.
It can be hard to talk to some people I love while I’m depressed because hiding the depression is not very easy. I know I don’t need to hide the depression for them, it’s for me, it’s my comfort level. When I do talk to loved ones, it seems that I’m trying to figure out what I should say. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know I need to get over that because loved ones are very understanding. I’m harder on myself than other people are.
My mind wanders all the time; it’s like a circus wheel. It keeps going over and over again without any rest. Normally, all of my thinking results in a lot of talking, but not so much lately. I still have a million thoughts in my head, but I can’t seem to put those thoughts into words. I also struggle to put my thoughts into written words for my blog. I even go into therapy sessions and I have nothing to talk about. I have no clue what is going on with my mind, this is not normal for me.
My inability to put thoughts into words started around the same time that my anxiety attacks increased. All of it began approximately about a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t realize either of these issues were happening until this past week. Maybe they’re connected, maybe not. My mind is still running all the time, it’s just running in all different directions instead of running one way like a circus wheel.
Today is the World Suicide Prevention Day. I have been dealing with suicidal ideations for most of the past year. Besides taking my medication, the thing that has been the most helpful is communicating. It really seems to help when I talk or write about what’s going on with me. I remind myself that my life will continue to have ups and downs. I think that one good thing about having bipolar disorder is that I won’t feel depressed forever. Things will change, nothing is forever. Connect. Communicate. Care.
I don’t know why I keep talking. I’m getting better at controlling it, but I still seem to annoy others when I talk. I even annoy myself when I talk sometimes. I tend to repeat myself over and over. I ask a lot of questions, too many questions. I wish I could blame it all on my memory loss, but I would talk too much even before I started having memory problems. Every time I try to talk less, I end up not talking at all instead. I suppose I’m an all or nothing kind of person; I’ve never really been able to find any middle ground.
I have noticed that I tend to talk when there is silence. I get uncomfortable and for some reason, I decide that talking will make the situation more comfortable. It never works out that way. I usually end up saying the wrong thing. I think it would be okay if I decided to be a little more quite, if it is my decision and not because of someone else. Life would be easier if I started making decisions for myself instead of for everyone else. I don’t know if I can do that, but I can start trying.