Goodbye Cape Cod

Goodbye Cape Cod

I’m headed home now. I’ve had a great vacation, but it’s time to get back to reality. I’m purposely made sure not to schedule any doctors appointments for Monday, with the exception my weekly blood work. I’m trying to give myself a day to get back into the swing of things. Tomorrow, I will most likely spend running errands and doing laundry.

I have one doctor appointment on Tuesday, teo on Wednesday, and one on Friday. What a life! The appointment on Tuesday at with my psychiatrist. While I was away, I wrote down a long list of things I want to discuss with him. There’s some meds I want to get off of,some dosage changes, some side effects to report, and some lab work to get done other than my weekly blood work. I’m on thyroid medication, but we never check my thyroid level. That could be contributing to my weight gain.

Vacation Ending

Vacation Ending

It’s my last day of vacation, and I’m not sure if I’m ready to go home. There’s so much stress at home. Bills to figure out, a house to clean and organize (it’s probably a wreck since I’ve been gone over a week), errands to run, doctor appointments to go to, and so much more. Plus, I don’t want to go back to the horrible summer heat in Phoenix. I don’t want to deal with any of that, but I don’t really have a choice. Most of the time, by the end of vacation, I’m ready to get back home. Not this time. I wish I could stay here, just me and my mom, a while longer.

This vacation was great. I went out every day, and I even slept every night. I didn’t even take Valium every day. I’m really proud of myself for that. Cape Cod is extremely busy this time of year; people are everywhere. It was difficult, but I managed to go a few days without it. I only want to take it if absolutely necessary. I worry that it could become a problem if I take it too much. I have a history of addiction, so I don’t want to risk anything. I’m going to go enjoy my last day

Day One: Enjoying Myself

Day One: Enjoying Myself

It’s my first day of vacation, and things are going pretty well so far. I went to the beach with my family. Normally, I just lay on the beach and don’t go in the water. I don’t like the water; it doesn’t matter if it’s the ocean, a lake, or even a pool, I’m just not a fan. I think it’s because I’m uncomfortable in a bathing suit around anyone and everyone. It was so hot out today, and I went into the ocean all the way up to my stomach. I was so proud of myself. I even had my mom take a picture so I have proof when I tell my husband about it.

I only stayed on the beach for about an hour or so; I don’t want to get a sunburn on day one. Now, I get to relax in the cottage, spend some quality time with my nephew, and maybe even take a quick nap (I still haven’t adjusted to the 3 hour time change). Then, we all had a nice evening out. We went to a great restaurant, did some shopping, and then went to get ice cream. I’m happy to be here with my family. I just wish my husband was here with me, but he’ll come out here with me next year.

Mid-Flight Travels

Mid-Flight Travels

While I am writing this mid-flight, I won’t be able to post it until the next day. I’m almost halfway through my flight, and my anxiety is starting to rise. I took a Valium before I boarded the plane because I have a middle seat. I hate sitting in the middle, I feel so crowded and confined. Every time I move, I touch one person or another. After eating something, I tried sleeping. I fell asleep, and I thought I slept a while, but when I woke up, only 15 minutes had passed. For some reason, if I fall asleep after taking Valium, it wears off when I wake up, no matter how short or long the duration of my rest is. I’m curious if that happens to anyone else. If that does happen to you, please tell me so I know I’m not alone.

The Valium has worn off and there’s still 2 ½ hours left on the flight. I tried playing Sudoku for a little while, but I can’t concentrate because I keep accidentally bumping into other people that I don’t know. So I thought I would take out my computer and do a little writing. I need to do something, anything, to occupy my mind. I’m trying so hard to stay relaxed and keep my anxiety down. I’m saying positive phrases in my head. You can do this; you’re already half-way there. However, this is not helping. My mind just keeps freaking out every few minutes. I’m holding it all in. By the way, I’m not afraid of flying. The problem is being surrounded by strangers and crowed; every time I move, I touch someone. It might be time to take another Valium. It has been about 4 hours since my last dose, and I felt the effects of that dose wear off already.

I normally don’t take my Valium as often as I’m allowed to. I can take 10mg twice a day; however, most days I don’t take any. A one month supply usually lasts me anywhere from 2 to 4 months. I take it when necessary, like when I leave my house. I don’t go out very often except to run errands.

I’m able to calm myself a little bit while I wait for the meds to kick in. I control my breathing, which allows me to lower my heart rate. I look out the window and see the beautiful clouds. I think about being with my family later tonight. All of these things help me stay calm. A couple years ago, I never would have thought that I could get myself through an anxiety attack without freaking out all of the people around me. I can recognize the fact that my anxiety is up and do a few things, as written above, to help me get through. And the best part is that no one around me has to know what’s going on, so I don’t feel pathetic. I recognize the progress.

After my flight, I had to take a 2 hour bus ride to get where I want to go. The bus was silent and simple. Stepping down off the bus, I see my mom standing there with both my nieces and my nephew. It was after midnight, and they all stayed up to greet me as I arrived. They made me feel special. The hassle of traveling is definitely worth it.

Traveling All Day

I’m at the airport and already through security. For some reason, I have a middle seat. Oh well, I have medication if I need it. That’s what Valium is for. I’m nervous, but I keep telling myself I can do this. I’m keeping my anxiety low so far. I have a 5 hour flight and a 2 hour bus ride right after. It will all be worth it when I’m with my family.

Vacation is Coming… Soon

Vacation is Coming… Soon

As I prepare to go on vacation, I feel excitement begin to flow through my body. Very soon, I will be sitting on the beach and actually relaxing. I’ve made checklists of everything that has to get done before I leave. I have already counted all my meds and refilled the ones that would have run out while I’m away. I’ve started trying on some clothes to figure out what I want to pack. I was worried that trying on clothes would be difficult because of my weight gain, but more clothes fit me than I thought would. What a nice surprise!

I have to make sure everything gets done over the next couple of days. It’s a lot to do, but it will be a stressful vacation if I don’t get everything done that needs to be done while I’m away. I’m looking forward to relaxing. Part of me wonders if I even know how to relax anymore. Soon, when my view is the picture above, I’m sure I’ll figure out how to let go a little and relax.

Support, Love, and Meds

Support, Love, and Meds

It’s been tough not blogging lately. Blogging has been a great way for me to work through my issues, but it’s hard to do physically. That means, I’ve been holding in most of my emotions and not dealing with things in the best way. Luckily, my family has been there to help me with any issues going on. I also feel like I have support from this online community I’m a part of. Thank you to all of you.

I’ve talked to most of my family lately. It’s nice to know that my family supports me. In just 3 1/2 weeks, I’ll be in Cape Cod with my mom, my sister, and her family. There’s a chance I might even get to see my niece skate.

My husband came home with a bouquet of flowers two days ago. He said that he thought I could use a smile, something to lift me up. They’re red roses and white lilies. Lilies are my favorite. He’s so sweet. He does stuff like that randomly.

I’m still getting used to the new medication. This is the first medication that I have to take with a meal. All my (many) other meds don’t need to be taken with a meal. It’s hard to remember to take the Metformin with food, but I will get used to it eventually.

Cape Cod, Here I Come! (In 2 Months)

Cape Cod, Here I Come! (In 2 Months)

I haven’t slept one wink since I woke up yesterday morning, and I’m not even tired. Besides that, my mom and I got my plane ticket to go to Cape Cod to spend a week together! It doesn’t happen until August, but I’m excited now that I made my final decision. This is the only time I get to have real one-on-one time with my mom. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re talking about doing some things that we’ve never tried before. Plus, I’ll get to see my sister, her husband, and their kids! I overlap my vacation with theirs for about 24 hours. I can’t wait to see them all.

I go to the same cottage that my family has been going to since before I was born. I have so many memories of Dennis Port, MA. The cottage is a short 1 to 2 minute walk to the water. I don’t like to go in the water, but I enjoy lying on the beach. It’s a private beach, so it’s not crowded, which makes it easier for my anxiety. My husband wants to come, but we just can’t make it work this year. He’ll be coming back to Connecticut with me in the beginning of December for my mom’s birthday. Maybe he will be able to come with me to the Cape next year. I worry about him being on the beach. He has 3rd degree burns on over 30% of his body. It happened over a decade ago. He’s perfectly fine now; he just has to be very careful when he’s out in the sun.

My flights, both ways, are non-stop. That will help reduce some anxiety. I’m trying to prepare for this vacation, so I want to try to lose a bit of weight. And the more important thing that I have to do is find a lab to get my weekly blood work done. I already found a pharmacy where I can get Clozapine, so the rest of it should be easy.

Will I Go To Cape Cod?

Will I Go To Cape Cod?

For weeks now, I have been trying to decide whether or not I will be going to Cape Cod this summer. My family has been going since before I was born. For the past many years, I go for one week. Timing wise, I overlap with my sister, her husband, and their kids for one day. Then the rest of the time is just me and my mom. It’s great that I get to see my sister and her family. It’s fantastic that I get time just me and my mom. It’s my favorite vacation.

My mom and I get along so well, we’re more like best friends. We usually have the same ideas for what we want to do. We go and lay on the beach for a bit (just a one or two minute walk from the cottage), play some games, take naps, go to see a play, etc. We have the same taste in activities. When I go back home to Connecticut, I get to spend time with my mom, but it’s not the same. This is the only time we get to be alone together.

I’ve been questioning if I was going to go or not because of my bladder disorder. My interstitial cystitis is getting worse and I’m having to get treatments every week at this point. Plus, I would have to figure out where to get my weekly blood work done and where to get my prescription filled. It could be difficult, but am I really going to let these things get in the way of my vacation? I don’t think so. I think it’s time to start looking at plane tickets.

Happy To Be Home

Happy To Be Home

My flight got in a few minutes late, and I’m just happy to be home. I took my time going from the plane to baggage claim. When I got to baggage claim, it was so crowded, it scared me. Luckily, just as I walked up to the carousel, my bag appeared. I didn’t have to wait there with that huge crowd of people for more than two minutes. My husband picked me up at the airport and it was great to see him. When I got home, my dog was excited to see me, which is always a good feeling. It’s been a long day. I’ll have to get used to the time change again. I was just starting to get used to the time change while I was back in Connecticut, now I have to get used to Arizona time again. Why is traveling so exhausting? I still have to unpack, but I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. I think I’ll have to add it to my huge list of things to do tomorrow.

That’s probably the thing I hate the most about traveling. When I get back home, there are so many things to do and they all have to get done right away. Normally, I push myself to get everything done right away. However, I don’t see the point in pushing myself even further than I already have. Simply traveling, dealing with airports, and getting through the crowds should be enough for one day. I’m done for now.