My ECT treatment went very well today. I have some memory loss, but that’s normal. I don’t remember anything about today from before the treatment. I woke up very confused and with a major headache (that happens sometimes), but other than that, I’m okay. It was nice having my mother-in-law there. She was extremely helpful and supportive. I’m still doing the treatments twice a week, I don’t know how long that will last.
I think that my sleep has been improving since I restarted ECT. Before I restarted ECT, I would fall asleep and only stay asleep anywhere from 20 minutes to 1 hour. Then I would be awake and stay awake for hours. Only occasionally would I be able to fall back asleep, so I wasn’t getting much sleep at all. Now, I’m able to fall asleep within 1 hour and luckily, I can stay asleep for most of the night. My psychiatrist says that it is a huge progress.
I’m trying to do some research to make sure that I pick the very best Medicare plan, both medical and pharmaceutical. I have all of the information I need to gather accurate data, however; it’s a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. I take 14 medications and see 9 different doctors (I only see 6 of the doctors regularly). I spent about 3 hours today trying to find out which pharmaceutical plans approve my 14 different medications. I’m also trying to find out which medical plans have my doctors as in-network. I think I want a PPO instead of a HMO.
Anyway, I spent hours trying to figure this stuff out, and I didn’t really get anywhere. I wish this didn’t have to be so difficult. Luckily, people from Medicare are helping me, and my Mom is offering her assistance. I want to start figuring this out early, because I have a feeling that the end date will sneak up on me before I know it.
I’m hoping that in the end, after I choose and enroll in a new Medicare plan, my medial and prescription costs will be less throughout the year. Right now, with Original Medicare, I am responsible for 20% of everything, and that turns out to be a lot of money. I just have to do the best research I can and make the most knowledgeable decision to help save some money.
I didn’t realize how important memories are until I lost them. I used to be able to remember things very easily, and now I struggle to remember a lot of things. My memory has improved over the last few months, since I stopped doing ECTs, but it’s far from what it used to be. I have a hard time with both short-term and long-term memory.
One day, many months ago, I woke up and didn’t realize that my grandmother had passed away years ago. I forget family memories often, and I feel that those are the most important. I ask people questions all the time, forgetting that I had just recently asked that same question. I have conversations with people over and over, because I forget that I just had that same conversation.
The forgetting is hard on me. I feel as if I annoy people because I repeat myself often. I try to improve my memory, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I feel incapable, less than, and pathetic. My memory has improved a little since I stopped ECT, but will it continue to improve? Am I ever going to get back to what my memory used to be like?
Not knowing how you feel can be exhausting. For me, I spend chunks of time trying to figure out how I’m feeling, just to end up realizing that I’m depressed, lonely, or confused. I don’t have much to say anymore, to my friends, family, therapist, or even to myself. I don’t have much to write about. How am I supposed to respond to people when they ask me how I’m doing? I feel like I’m lost inside of myself. I usually have way too many emotions to deal with at one time, or no emotions at all that I can recognize. I can’t find a happy medium. It would be nice if I could come close to an emotional balance, but I have no clue how to even begin that course of action.
I still feel messed up today; as if something isn’t right. I’m dealing with physical pain and being emotional distraught. Normally, when I wake up, words flow from my fingertips. Today, when I woke up, I felt empty. I have felt empty since I woke up from my last ECT treatment; it happens after every treatment, but this one is lasting much longer. This past ECT was the hardest that I’ve ever done. My husband told me that I say that every time. I told him that every time it gets harder. I have been doing this for more than a year. I can’t keep this up. I can’t continue. I’ve said that so many times; however, I think I’m serious about it this time. The memory loss, emptiness, confusion, and the chaos are too much for me anymore. I’m tired and I don’t think I can keep doing this to myself.
I don’t have much to do today, but I’m still wondering if I can get it done. The only thing I must do is get my blood work done at 2pm today. Hopefully I don’t run into that rude phlebotomist. I also want to clean the house today. It has been on my to-do list for a while now, but I can’t seem to get it done. It’s the ECT that’s holding me back from getting things done. I’m so tired; I feel useless. I hope that will change today.