Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day

Happy Father’s Day to my dad, my husband, and all of the other fathers out there. Father’s Day is usually a difficult day for me. I lost my father about 14 years ago. He died after being sick for about 6 years. I was 12 years old when he was diagnosed with cancer, and I was 18 years old when he died. It’s still hard. I’m still crying, and I still feel alone at times, but it has improved.

My dad still is the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He knew how to be responsible, dependable, and intelligent, while also knowing how to have fun and enjoy life. When I was young, my dad and I were best friends. We would go skiing or flying together, he had a pilot’s license; these were just a couple of the many things we did together. I acted like a jerk for most of the last few years of his life. I was between 12 and 18 years old, so I was acting like a teenager, however; I was also acting like an addict. I regret not being there with my family when my dad died. My biggest regret in my life is that I didn’t get sober until after my father’s death. He never knew me as a sober person.

I’m getting through Father’s Day a bit better than normal. I read some other blogs and they were very helpful. One blog in particular, Father’s Day Memories Blog, reminded me that my father is alive in my memories. I remember one day, my dad woke me up early for school and took me out for the day. We flew out to an amazing mountain and went skiing for the day. I have to keep these wonderful memories I have of my dad alive.

I also spent a good amount of time today being productive. We can finally move stuff back into the house since the bed bug issues is getting under control. It’s like moving into the house all over again. Staying busy keeps my mind occupied. I’ve spent my day thinking of memories with my dad, staying productive, and keeping my mind occupied. It’s still a difficult day for me, but it’s less stressful than it used to be. I think I’m finally learning how to deal with the loss.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Remembering

Remembering

I don’t know why, but for some reason I always remember the things I don’t want to remember and I forget the things I do want to remember. Why do I always remember the things/events that cause me anxiety and pain? I wish I could change that. I would like to remember things that would allow my life to be a little easier, but that’s not going to happen. For example, I asked the bug inspector guy lots of questions when he was at my house. He answered all of my questions thoroughly, and I can’t remember any of his answers. Now I need to call him and ask him some of those questions again.

I get nervous when I need to make phone calls to anyone other than family. I don’t want this added anxiety.  My heart races when I have to talk to someone I don’t know, whether it’s on the phone or in person. When will this ever go away?

Feeling Empty

Feeling Empty

I’m feeling somewhat empty inside lately. I’m not exactly sure why, there’s just not much going on for me. When people ask me how I’m doing, I just simply respond by saying, ‘I’m hanging in’. Maybe it’s because I’m on overload, maybe it’s because I just don’t care about certain things as much as I used to. I’m not really sure.

Today is the day that we are celebrating Mother’s Day with my mother-in-law. I’m cooking a dinner that my mom used to cook for me. It’s called Boursin Chicken. In fact, we called it Daddy’s Chicken because it was my dad’s favorite. It makes me smile to remember things like that; it’s feels good to care about and remember things. I have a lot of memory loss due to ECT, so it’s a marvel any time I can remember things.

Bullying

Bullying

When I was a kid, I was bullied by kids, but I also bullied other kids. For some reason, I didn’t put it together how hurtful it was to be made fun of, so I mocked other kids. The first time I remember being made fun of was in kindergarten, and it still affects me to this day. I remember being laughed at in my Halloween costume by upperclassmen. I go back to those feelings of embarrassment and misery every year at Halloween. I was made fun of at various times from kindergarten through high school. I was even made fun of while I was in the popular group.

I’m ashamed to admit that I bullied other kids, but I need to be honest. When I was bullying others, it was because I thought it was going to make me feel better and increase my self-esteem. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much harm I was doing to others, and that the kids who made fun of me were doing it for the same reason I was. During high school, I was made fun of because I was different from the other kids. I didn’t quite fit it and it was because of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I feel horrible and guilty because I was hurtful back to those that hurt me.  I think more about the harm I did to others. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Bullying is permanent; once you emotionally hurt someone, the damage is done.

The Importance of Memories

The Importance of Memories

I didn’t realize how important memories are until I lost them. I used to be able to remember things very easily, and now I struggle to remember a lot of things. My memory has improved over the last few months, since I stopped doing ECTs, but it’s far from what it used to be. I have a hard time with both short-term and long-term memory.

One day, many months ago, I woke up and didn’t realize that my grandmother had passed away years ago. I forget family memories often, and I feel that those are the most important. I ask people questions all the time, forgetting that I had just recently asked that same question. I have conversations with people over and over, because I forget that I just had that same conversation.

The forgetting is hard on me. I feel as if I annoy people because I repeat myself often. I try to improve my memory, but that’s not an easy thing to do. I feel incapable, less than, and pathetic. My memory has improved a little since I stopped ECT, but will it continue to improve? Am I ever going to get back to what my memory used to be like?

Missing My Father on Father’s Day

Missing My Father on Father’s Day

Today is Father’s Day. I’m trying to remember any of the Father’s Days that I spent with my dad, but I can’t. I think that’s because of my memory loss from ECT. Years ago, my mom made several DVDs for everyone in the family that are all about the entire family. Maybe I could watch some of those videos today to have them help bring back some memories. However, they could make me more emotional than I am, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now.

I think I’ll keep myself busy today by cleaning. Staying busying keeps my mind from wandering sometimes. It gives me something to focus on, which can be helpful. A memory of my father just came to me, and I’ll try to write about it, but I am tearing up a bit. I would practice playing the piano just about every day. My dad would come in and sit in the big white leather swivel chair. He would sit there, listening to me, and he would put his arms up as if he was a conductor, conducting an entire orchestra. He would do that all the time. He loved it when I would play Fur Elise and Flight of The Bumblebee. He’s probably the reason why I love classical music.

My dad and I used to go skiing together. He would even fly me out to mountains that were a couple of hours away, such as Sugarloaf, Sugarbush, Whiteface, etc. I remember one day he woke me up very early and asked me if I wanted to go skiing. He made sure I didn’t have any tests that day in school, and then we got dressed and went to his airport (where he kept his plane). I can’t remember which mountain we went to that day, but I do remember skiing and having lunch together in the ski lodge.

I also remember that any time my mom would go away for the day, my dad would have us clean the house so it was clean when she got home. The funniest part of it is that he would sit in the family room reading the newspaper while my brother, my sister, and I would clean. Then, when my mom got home, he would say, “I cleaned the house for you.” That used to annoy me, but now it makes me smile.

I used to hang out with my dad in the break room of his pharmacy. He always wore a white shirt at the store and a pocket protector. Everyone knew my dad, and he was friends with everyone. His employees and his friends would hang out in the break room drinking coffee and telling jokes. I never understood what they were saying because I was so young, but I had a great time simply being there with my dad.

So I do have some memories of my dad; ECT didn’t wipe them all out. I still don’t remember any specific Father’s Day, but that’s okay. As long as I can still hold onto the wonderful memories that I do have, I will be happy. Happy Father’s Day.