I have another day filled with errands and stuff to do around the house. It does make the day go faster. I’m going to keep working out. I think I might even bring my Zumba DVDs to Cape Cod with me. I am losing weight, slowly but surely. I know how easy it is to fall back into bad eating habits. I have to remind myself that I can do this. I will reach my goal eventually. I think that if I keep a positive attitude towards weight loss, I will keep losing weight.
This is me, continuing to push myself. I am trying to get more comfortable in my own body, especially with my legs. I deserve to be comfortable in my own skin and I’m working on reaching that goal. Normally, I don’t even feel secure enough in my own body, even when I’m home alone, so I almost always wear pants. However, I’m trying to become a bit more comfortable with myself. Over the past few days, I have been wearing pajama shorts around the house and while on walks. I need to become more secure with myself.
I’m posting these pictures of my legs that I took yesterday. I need to become comfortable walking around the house and the neighborhood in shorts. I also need to become comfortable knowing that these pictures are out there. And like yesterday’s post, I know that people are not focusing on me and my legs. I’m not the center of attention (thankfully).
Life has been pretty busy the past couple weeks. Between many doctor appointments, family obligations, trying to stay on top of bills, completing the Total and Permanent Disability paperwork, and completing the patient drug assistance program, I feel like I’m on overload. There’s too much to do, I don’t feel like I have any time to myself. It was suggested to me that I take a day to myself, a day when I don’t run any errands, fix any problems, or go to any appointments. It sounds really nice, but now I’m just trying to figure out when that day will be. There’s always something to do, such as cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, or other errands. I really want to try it, a day off sounds just like what I could use.
I’ve just been staying very busy, but I haven’t been keeping to my normal routine. I think that’s what has been screwing me up. Routines have always been beneficial for me; not keeping to my normal routines has its consequences. I’ve been trying to schedule flight plans for me and my husband, but I get overwhelmed every time I do the research. Everything that I’ve been trying to do lately has been more difficult to complete, and I think it’s because I’m not keeping to my normal routine. I guess I need to get back to my routine, after I find a way to take a day to myself.
Today is going a bit better. I feel okay so far. I’ve been able to get some things done. Now, I’m about to get ready to go to the gym with my husband. I’m anxious, but at least I go. It’s better than not going. I’ve decided to go to Cape Cod, so I should probably try to lose a bit of weight. Now, I have a reason, a goal to lose weight for. Of course, I would want to look as good as possible in a bathing suit. It’s not for anyone else, it’s just for myself. I’ve learned over the years that the things we do are for ourselves, not for others. Doing the best we can is to please ourselves. I’m so proud of my niece, she’s 13 years old, she has learned that at such a young age when it took me so long to figure it out. She is a figure skater, and competes. She says that she competes against herself, not against the other people there. It’s such a great attitude and way to look at things.
There are many things on want to work on for myself besides my weight. I want to become more comfortable in public places. It would be nice if I could go to the gym on my own without my husband. Right now, it’s too anxiety provoking for me to go on my own. I still have anxiety when I’m there with my husband, but it has been getting better each time. Maybe, one day I could go on my own. Maybe I could go with him but not need him to be with me every second. Those are my goals for myself for now.
I’ve been told many times that finding something I enjoy doing will make me feel better and help me enjoy life again. However, I could never think of something I liked doing. One day, someone had me go over my daily activities to see what my interests were. It was at that moment that I realized I was already doing the things I enjoyed; I just wasn’t doing them for me. I found out that I already liked gift giving, cooking, cleaning, playing the piano, and working out. All I had to do now was start doing these things for myself.
It’s not easy to do any of these tasks, but I try to work my way up by doing the least physical activity first, which is gift giving. Cooking is also great; plus, I’m pretty good at it. When others enjoy the food that I cook, that’s just a bonus. I stopped cooking for other people, and I started to cook because I wanted to. Cleaning requires a lot of physical activity. I don’t necessarily like the actual cleaning part, but I love the end result. It’s important that I clean because I want to, not because I have to. Playing the piano brings back a lot of memories, especially of my father. Playing is an activity that helps me remember how lucky I was and still am. I recently started doing Zumba videos at home. I find it to be fun and energetic; it’s hard to do when you’re depressed because it takes so much physical energy, which is why it’s important to workout on a regular basis.
These 5 activities are things I already do in my daily life that I just need to start doing on a regular basis. They are healthy activities that help me and others; I already like doing them and I’m even good at these things. It’s vital to find and do things that we enjoy to help fight our bipolar disorder. Other people had to point these things out to me, and I had to be open to hearing what they had to say. Once I started doing these things for me instead of for others, I began to feel better about myself and even enjoy some of the days. For me, that is a huge improvement.
My therapist keeps telling me I give too much of myself. That I need to learn to do things that I want to do. So these are the things that I came up with; however, if someone asks me to do something, I almost always say yes. My therapist wants me to start learning to say no to people; I really don’t think that’s something I can do. I told him that I will work on one thing at a time; that’s all I can handle. Right now, I’m working on doing these activities for myself. That should be enough.
My Side of the Pole 