Showing Up For A Friend

The other day I went to a friend’s house for a birthday party. The girl is a very close friend of mine and I wanted to show up and let her know that care about her. That’s what friends are for; we show up for each other. I took Valium to help me get through it. I stayed much longer than I expected and I had a good time. There were about 13 other people there. I wouldn’t have done that for anyone else, but I was happy to show up for her. It was good for me to get out of the house on my own.

Headed Home To Arizona

My husband and I are on our way back home to Phoenix. We’re in Philadelphia on our 3 hour layover. I don’t really want to go back to Phoenix. I never have enough time in Connecticut with my family no matter how long I’m there for. Maybe I should stay for two weeks the next time I go. I would like to stay long enough that I actually want to go back to Phoenix.

The party for my mom’s birthday went wonderfully. Everyone was thanking me for putting it all together, but I couldn’t have done it without everyone else. It was a potluck, so the majority of the food came from the guests. The only thing I made was quiche and I ordered an edible arrangement (which was definitely a big hit). I liked organizing the party because I always had something to do. I didn’t have to worry about conversations with other people since I was always moving.

I had a few great visits with my grandmother. She’s 91 years old and is doing very well. I love the fact that I can speak openly with her. She does her best to understand my limitations. It’s nice that she things of my husband as well. Sometimes our conversations are weird and don’t make sense, but when they are fantastic when they do.

I got to visit with my brother and his wife. I always enjoy talking to him. Our relationship has improved over the years. I also visited with my sister and her husband. That went well. She and I both work at our relationship; it’s a tense relationship, but it’s there. We will be okay as long as we keep working at it. Her kids are growing up so quickly. I love seeing them any chance I get. I spent some time with my aunt, who I get along with very well and enjoy talking to.

There was a lot more that we did over the past week. We got a Christmas tree, decorated a bit, visited with some friends, helped my aunt out with her party, finished a jigsaw puzzle (I love doing those), and wrapped a bunch of Christmas presents. I went through a lot of Valium, much more than I normally do, but still not as much as I’m prescribed. Since I didn’t have the time to post every day like I normally do, I guess that’s a basic overview of the past week. I missed posting every day and I’m excited to get back to my regular schedule.

Not A Moment To Rest

Life has been so busy, I haven’t had a moment to rest. Yesterday was the party for my mom’s birthday, and it was wonderful! Of course, my quiche didn’t turn out right. Every other time I make them, they are fantastic, but this time they took a lot longer to cook than ever before. However, the best part is that everyone got along and had a good time. Everyone thanked me for putting the party together; that made me feel good.

Saturday was also very busy. My husband and I helped my aunt get ready for a party she was hosting. I enjoy helping people out. It’s helpful to me when I have something to do. We also had dinner with a close friend.

Today has been a somewhat lazy day. We’re hanging out and putting up Christmas decorations. I can’t believe we leave in a day and a half. We’ve been extremely productive, but no matter how much we get done, there will always be more to do. I have to go now to run some errands.

Being Disabled

Being on disability is not easy. I’m on it because of my bipolar disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. As most of you know, dealing with the effects of these mental health disorders is difficult and exhausting. I have so many doctor appointments to manage. Going anywhere new is extremely difficult for me. In fact, my husband has to come with me whenever I go somewhere for the first time because I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t do well dealing with new people, specifically physical contact, I think that is from the PTSD. My social life is small because it’s difficult for me to meet and connect with people. I also struggle to keep in contact with the friends I already have because of the depression.

I wish I could contribute more to our financial status, instead I contribute in other ways. I keep myself busy managing my life and my husband’s life. I don’t know if my bipolar disorder will ever be stable again. It hasn’t been stable since 2009. I don’t know what my future holds, but it doesn’t appear to be a mentally stable state.

Communicating with Loved Ones

It’s hard enough to keep up relationships with friends. For me, when I’m in a depression, I isolate; I’m happy to do so because it’s easier than talking to people. However, one thing I should be doing all the time is communicating with my family. If it was only that easy. I’ve learned that I can text my siblings a message that simply says, “Just saying hi”. That’s enough for me and for them. If they’re available, they will text me back. My siblings live very busy lives. Today, my brother responded and we had a texting conversation, and that made me smile. Every once in a while we will talk, but we don’t need to all the time. The simple text message lets them know I’m thinking of them and that I care.

It can be hard to talk to some people I love while I’m depressed because hiding the depression is not very easy. I know I don’t need to hide the depression for them, it’s for me, it’s my comfort level. When I do talk to loved ones, it seems that I’m trying to figure out what I should say. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know I need to get over that because loved ones are very understanding. I’m harder on myself than other people are.

Bipolar Depression Prescription Commercial

Any time that I’m home, my TV is turned on. I’m usually not watching what is actually on TV, it’s just background noise. There are so many commercials on TV that promote prescription drugs to help depression. I do believe in prescription medications, but I don’t like that some individuals, with no mental health experience, now tries to relate to what we go through with our diagnoses.

There’s a difference between sympathy and empathy. I don’t want anyone’s pity, but it would be nice to have others trying to understand. In my experience, only those that deal with the same things that I deal with, can understand how I feel. I don’t think it’s possible to truly understand what a person goes through unless you go through it as well. My family members do their best to understand what I deal with, and I greatly appreciate that because they do it without pitying me.

Reaching Out

I normally am not the person that reaches out to others, not to friends or family. So, I’ve decided that it is something I need to work on. I have friends that reach out to me, and I only sometimes respond to them. It’s important to be the one who reaches out first because I want my friends to know that I care about them. I feel the same way about reaching out to my family.

Even a simple text message let people know you are thinking about them. Sometimes, just a text message can ignite a conversation. It would be great to talk to friends and family, but it is sometimes extremely hard for me to send a text message. I’m going to write it on my to-do list; if it’s on my list, it will get done.

Putting Myself Out There

I’m trying really hard to put myself out there in the world. Not because I want to, but because my husband and family want me to. Also, I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s the healthy thing to do both mentally and emotionally. I’ve been going to a support group, which is very hard for me to do, but it will be helpful, once I become comfortable in the group. Yesterday evening, I met up with a couple of friends. I’m so happy I did that. It was great to see them and talk to them. It is very important to meet up with friends, but it’s hard to do that and other social things when dealing with a major depression. I’m also trying to reach out a little more to my family, specifically my siblings. I don’t know why it’s so hard to reach out to others. Maybe because I don’t have much to talk about on my end. I don’t really know what to say when they ask me how I’m doing. Any suggestions on how to respond to the how are you doing question? All I can think of is, “I’m hanging in.”

Lessons I’ve Learned: Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

Another one of the many lessons I’ve learned is that money doesn’t buy happiness. Having money may make life a bit easier. For example, if I had an unlimited amount of money, it would be no problem to pay all of the bills I received. I wouldn’t have anxiety attacks when receiving large bills. There wouldn’t be any stress when it came to figuring out how to pay every bill. Based on that information, money can make things less stressful, but that isn’t happiness. Money doesn’t last, but your emotional state is something that does last. I know that having more money wouldn’t make me happy.

Even though I don’t have that much money, it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. It may mean that I’m stressed and overwhelmed. In fact, I don’t even think that money has anything to do with my current depression or any of my depressions. Depression is an internal feeling; it is something that goes on within me that I have no control over. For me, a part of happiness lies in the relationships I have with my family and friends and with my capabilities to do certain things. Personally, I would say that love and support from family and friends is a big aspect of happiness for many.

Talking about “happiness” is very difficult because of my depression. For those of us that sadly have to deal with depression, know that no one thing can fix it. Knowing that my family loves and supports me is nice, but it doesn’t change my emotional state. Most of the time, medication doesn’t even make a difference. However, when you find the right medication, it changes everything.

Getting Sober And Starting A Life – My Life: Part 4

I flew across the country at the end of April in 2004. On April 29^th, 2004 I was admitted to a year-long in-patient rehab. I was excited to go until I got there. Once I arrived, my fears kicked in and I told my mom that I changed my mind about going to rehab. She ensured me that I could do it. I trusted her; I always trust my mom because she has never given me a reason not to.

Rehab was very tough. I couldn’t talk to my family for the first 6 weeks. Then I could only talk to them once a week on Sundays for 15 minutes. There was a strict schedule that had to be followed. On Sundays we had to clean our living areas and everything had to pass inspection. I think that may be why I am so obsessive about cleaning my house. We had to make dinner every night for our houses. This required making a menu, grocery list, and assigning specific tasks. I had a therapist and a psychiatrist that I saw weekly. They managed my medication so I never missed a dose.

We were required to go to AA meetings that were put on by the staff members. A couple times a week we were allowed to go to outside meetings that were supervised by staff members. We were also required to have a sponsor and do step work. In the beginning, it was tough. However, as time went on, it became normal. The step work brought up a lot of issues that I was able to work on. The hardest part for me was believing in a Higher Power. I’m Jewish by blood, but I was raised Catholic. I never believed in what I was taught in Sunday school and I never related to anything I heard in church. I don’t like the word God for many reasons. Overall, I just don’t believe in God. Some people may not like to hear that, but I’m just being honest. The great part about belief according to AA is that you just have to believe in a power greater than yourself. I can admit that. I know that I’m not the most powerful thing out there. I’m not sure what it is, but I know it’s not me. I do believe in science and Mother Nature, which then became my Higher Power.

Family was invited to visit every 3 months for workshops, which helped to work through some family problems. My mom came every time. My brother, sister, and aunt each came for one of the workshops as well as my graduation. I was so amazed at how much my family supported me; especially after all of the crap I put them through over the years. Once I completed the year-long program (which felt like forever), I worked at the rehab for 9 months helping others get sober.

I made some friends from the rehab, but most of those relationships faded off. I did date one of the guys that I met there, and we ended up living together for a while. The school teacher from the rehab became a close friend of mine and we spent time together after I left. His wife ended up being my sponsor when I lived on my own. I even became close with their family.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Friends