Today was a very tough day. When I woke up this morning, I came out to the living room to see my dog struggling to breathe. Last night, we invited him to come sleep in the bedroom with us; however, at some point during the night, he decided to come out to the living room and lay down on the tile. My husband and I noticed around 7:30am, that he wasn’t eating or drinking, he couldn’t stand or walk, and his breathing was extremely labored. We could tell that he was in pain. I think he was trying to tell us that it was time for him to go, he was ready.
We had to carry him to the car, which was very difficult (he’s 88 pounds). They had a couple guys come out to help bring him inside. They told us to let them know when we were ready. We decided that we were ready right then. Cash was in so much pain, we didn’t want him to stay in that much pain. We didn’t want to be selfish, it wasn’t about us, this was about him.
Watching him go was extremely difficult. Cash’s eyes didn’t close, it was hard to watch. I cried, which I did many times today. We will pick up his ashes when they are ready. We decided to take Cash on one last hike (it was my husband’s idea). Cash loved to go hiking. He would wear his backpack and carry everything he/we needed.
We stayed busy today. We didn’t want to go home after he died. It’s going to be weird without him here. We eventually came home, and it’s so quiet here. It doesn’t seem right, but we will have to get used to it, at least for now.
Lately, it feels as though I am just passing time. I’m just trying to get through life; for the time being, it has been more difficult than usual, and that’s saying something. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a clock tick over and over and not get anywhere. I want the days to go by quicker, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do to help.
I’ve bottled up my emotions for such a long time. I’m finally beginning to express how I feel, but it doesn’t seem to make anything easier. In fact, time seems to be going by slower. I wish I could fast forward through parts of life.It feels as if all I do I go to doctor appointments and take my medication. There has to be more to life than that. This gets so lonely.
I’ve been having nightmares lately. They’re so vivid that when I wake up, it takes me a while to figure out what is and is not real. Last night, it was sort of in between a nightmare and a dream. It wasn’t bad, just a little sad and very different from normal. I was dreaming about owning a horse and having to work at the barn to pay for the boarding. Then suddenly, I broke a leg and couldn’t do anything. I lost my horse, but even worse, all of my friends from that part of my life stopped talking to me. I was alone. The next thing I know, I woke up and was sad. It took about a minute to realize that my dream was not real. Normally my nightmares have me waking up crying and/or terrified. This was far from that, but it was memorable.
So many people think of loneliness as something that’s felt when we’re alone. However, that’s not always the case, especially for those dealing with mental health issues. For me, the worst part of feeling lonely is when I’m with people, especially people I care for, and still feel lonely. It’s a feeling deep in your heart and your gut; it’s an emptiness that can’t be filled. When I’m around others and still feel this loneliness, it can somewhat feels like a rejection; as if the person/people I’m with don’t want me. That’s not what’s actually happening; it’s just my perception of things based off of my emotional state at the time.
When I’m dealing with this loneliness, I often feel better when I’m alone. Right now, I’m alone, which means the loneliness isn’t as bad as it can get, but it’s still there. I’ve been coloring in my adult coloring books for a couple of hours today. It does take my mind off of things, but when I stop, the loneliness floods back in. That’s when I decided to try writing about it. Blogging has been very therapeutic for me; at the very least, I thought it couldn’t hurt. Being able to put my emotions into words is helpful for some reason. I wish I knew how long this would last or had ways to get past it. For now, I just want to get through another day.