Tag: Nervous

Preparing for the Fourth of July

Preparing for the Fourth of July

I’m trying to prepare myself with the Fourth of July coming up. I’m not a big fan of large groups of people, so I usually stay home to celebrate. I’m not sure how Achilles would handle the fireworks. This will be our first experience with him during fireworks. I don’t think he will bark because he almost never does, but I’m not sure if he will be scared or anxious.

We just moved into a new house, and it is in a great neighborhood. Throughout the previous years, we had to deal with all sorts of people setting off their own fireworks as well as listening to gunshots. I would jump all the time because the noises made me so nervous. Luckily, we live in a much better neighborhood. We won’t hear gunshots in this new neighborhood, which is such a relief. There’s still some anxiety, but celebrating the holiday will be much easier this year.

Going Away?

I’m struggling to lose weight. It’s such a pain in the ass. Oh well, it will happen at some point. I enjoy cooking for my husband, but it doesn’t help with weight loss. I’ve been trying some new recipes lately. Last night’s dinner definitely wasn’t healthy. Maybe I should look at some new, healthier recipes.

Right now, I should be focused on what’s currently happening and what’s coming up this weekend. My husband and I are going to Flagstaff for a couple of days. There’s a camping event that happens every year. I used to bring my dog with me and we would have a lot of fun. I’m getting nervous about being around that many people. It will be easier since I’ll be with my husband. Even though I know most of the people there, it still makes me nervous. I’m actually rethinking going to the event. Maybe we’ll still go away for a couple of days, but not go to the event. I’ll have to talk to my husband about it. I’ll let you know what we decide to do.

What A Relief

What A Relief

Just as I published my previous post saying how anxious I was because I was because there were going to be a dryer delivery and a Goodwill pick up… the doorbell rang. Goodwill came early! I was ecstatic! My husband was home, so I felt more comfortable, and then I knew that the delivery/pickups wouldn’t overlap. I guess I have better luck that I thought. Now, my day is going to go a little smoother and easier. I’m still nervous about the dryer delivery, but now it’s a lot more manageable.

Invited Out – No Need To Be Home Alone

Invited Out – No Need To Be Home Alone

My mother-in-law invited me to go out with her to a meeting and then out to dinner afterwards. Normally, I find ways to say ‘no’ when I’m asked out by other people, but this time was different. I’m still getting over the loss of my dog, Cash, and my mother-in-law knew that I was struggling with the situation. She invited me out, saying that it’s better than being home alone, and she was right. I’m glad that I said ‘yes’ and the two of us went out together.

It’s been hard being home alone. I’m used to Cash always being there. I keep looking for him whenever I want to do something or go somewhere. I’m not ready for another dog, but I’m also not ready to be home alone by myself. I’m extremely grateful that my mother-in-law invited me out for the night.

Feeling Better and Working Hard

Feeling Better and Working Hard

I’m feeling a little better today, which is good because I have lots to do. My lawyer is going to call me in a few hours to explain how things are going with my case. I’m very curious and can’t wait to hear how it’s going. Then, my father-in-law and his girlfriend are coming over. Our house is a disaster because I already started packing. Hopefully they will understand that. I normally don’t let anyone in the house unless it’s clean, but cleaning and packing don’t really go together. My husband and I are going to take them too our new house shortly after they get here. I can’t wait to see the house again.

I also have a meeting to go to tonight, which I’m very nervous about. I’m meeting someone there, so I won’t be alone, but I’m still nervous. I used to go to these exact meetings (6pm Monday through Friday) every day until 2009 when I went on disability due to my mental health. I’m a little worried that people are going to ask me where I’ve been or why I haven’t been coming. My mom helped me out. If people ask where I’ve been, I can simply say, “Not here, how are you?” I think I can do that. I at least have to try.

My First Time Back To ECT

My First Time Back To ECT

Today was my first time back to ECT. It really helped to have my husband there because I was pretty nervous. Everything went really well. I remember the doctor putting in my IV and then they put me to sleep. The next thing I know, they are bringing me out in a wheelchair. I don’t remember waking up in recovery at all. I’m in a little bit of pain, but not too horrible. It’s just my jaw that hurts, no headache or anything.

My next session is on Wednesday. It should have been on Friday, but the doctor is not there that day. So I had to move around a couple of other appointments to make everything work. I think the next time will be easier for me since I now know all of the doctors and nurses.

Anxious and Nervous

Anxious and Nervous

I leave for ECT in about one hour. Last night I kept having dreams that I ate or drank something after midnight, therefore, I couldn’t do the ECT treatment. I had the same type of dream 3 times last night. The first one I drank a soda, the second one I ate a chocolate sprinkled donut, and the last one I had a glass of milk. I know I’m nervous about this treatment; that’s probably why that was happening.

I can feel my heart beating in my chest. My fingers are shaking, which is making it difficult to type. I’m rocking back and forth, which is one of the ways I help keep myself calm. I did it without even realizing it. I can do this. I can do this.

Staying Busy

I’ve been doing my best to stay busy today. I’m trying to make the day go by as fast as possible. I even did a quick Zumba workout, which I’m very proud of. I need to workout on a regular schedule. When I got out of the shower, I noticed that the dog ripped out another one of his stitches. It was also on his back leg. I think that’s the only place he can reach. I cleaned it up and he’s all set now. Hopefully he won’t get to any more. The stitches come out on Thursday.

I’m nervous about ECT tomorrow, but I’m also ready for it. I will let you all know how it goes. I think it will work, I just don’t know how long it will take to start working. I can’t remember how long it took last time. I’m really excited about the possibility of not being depressed and thinking nonstop about suicide. I really need the relief.

Restarting ECT

Restarting ECT

I restart ECT again on Monday. It’s been over six months since my last treatment. I’ve been waiting for about a month to restart ECT, and now that it’s about to happen, I’m not sure if I’m ready. At least I’ve done it before, so it’s not as nerve-racking. My anxiety is so high right now. What do I do if ECT doesn’t work? I know there are other options, but there’s not many left. I’m just nervous and scared. It will work. I’m trying to stay positive.

Apparently, ECT is twice as effective when being used with Clozapine, and even more effective when being used with Clozapine and Lithium. I’m take both Clozapine and Lithium (and many other meds), so there’s a really good chance that this will work for me. I’m trying to stay positive. It’s not easy, but I’m working at it.

They also changed how some of it goes. They now allow one person to go back with you, stay with you until you go under, and then they can wait for you in recovery. That makes it a lot easier for me. My husband already said he will be doing that for me on Monday.

New Lump On My Dog

New Lump On My Dog

I just found a new lump on my dog. It’s different from the other lumps he has. He’s an older dog (he’s 11), so finding lumps is not abnormal, however, this new one is unlike any other lump I’ve seen on him. So we’re going to the vet tomorrow at 10am. I’m hoping that he’s okay, but I’m worried. I asked my husband to come with me as support. I’ll keep you updated after tomorrow’s appointment.