Yesterday was a very productive day. I cleaned the entire house; dusting, kitchen, bathrooms, vacuuming, and mopping. After that I even did a 40 minute Zumba video. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. I’m anxious and nervous about going back to ECT. I think I’m just worried about what will happen if it doesn’t work, or if it stops working again after some time. I’m running out of options, or at least it feels that way. I guess I’m just scared.
I have a busy and nerve-wracking day planned for today. In the early afternoon, I’m going with my husband to the Arizona State Fair. I’ve lived here for over a decade and have never been to the state fair. I’m from a small town with only 3,500 people. I’ve never seen a fair as big as I’m about to see. I’m nervous, so of course I’m going to need some Valium to help me get through this. My husband knows not to leave my side and to either walk behind me or keep his arm around me so I don’t feel like someone can creep up behind me. My husband makes me feel safe. The fair will be difficult, but I can do it.
Later tonight, I’m extremely excited to go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener. We’re big hockey fans. My husband and I got good seats. Normally, we get cheap seats that are still pretty good, but for some reason, we decided to upgrade to great seats with an amazing view. I’m happy about the seats, but I’m also nervous because I’ve never been to that part of the arena. New things scare me. I hope it goes well. My husband will help me get through it and enjoy it.
Lately, my nighttime meds kick in within about 20 or 30 minutes and I’m asleep quickly and easily. Tonight is anything but quick and easy. I was just laying in bed waiting for the meds to start working. After an hour of laying in bed without the ability to fall asleep or even be the slightest bit tired, I gave up, took my pillow, and went out to the living room couch. Sometimes, just changing my scenery helps.
So far, no improvement. In fact, I’m a bit jumpy. I’ve seen some flashing lights racing by my house and a lot of dogs are barking (thank goodness my dog is completely silent). I get nervous when I’m alone. My husband is asleep, so I count this as being home alone. So maybe a change of scenery has been counterproductive this time; maybe I should go back to bed soon.
In the mean time, I’m trying to figure out why I can’t sleep. I recently had a couple of medication changes, which could be a big factor with my sleep problems. I’m exhausted during the days and awake at night. This may be something I should mention to my psychiatrist.
I was in a big car accident over the weekend, but I can’t talk or write about it until my lawyer settles everything. I won’t be writing as much because it is very difficult right now.
I’m going to get a rental car so I can get around for a little while. I’m nervous to drive, but it will be okay. Today, we get to go see my father-in-law. He’s an amazing guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him. Today is just another day, hopefully.
Today, I called and left a message for the ECT department. I made the decision last week to stop doing ECT and I even talked to my psychiatrist about it; all I had to do to follow through on that decision was to cancel my appointment. I’m really happy that I’m stopping these treatments because it is way too hard on my mind and my body. However, I’m extremely nervous that I could slip into an even worse depression or manic episode. It doesn’t seem as if the ECT treatments have been helping me for quite a while now. My concern is what happens if it was helping and I just didn’t realize it. If I go too long without these treatments, then I would have to start back three times a week, and I can’t handle that.
I’m taking a huge risk by stopping the treatments, but I also have to listen to my body. My husband agrees that the ECT treatments aren’t helping me. He agrees with my decision to stop the treatments. It’s nice to have someone who sees me every day agree with my decision. It makes me feel a little more confident in my choice to stop. I’m curious how long it will take for some of the side effects, such as memory loss, to improve?
Are there other people who have gone through ECT treatments on a regular basis for a while and then chose to stop? If so, what happened when you stopped? How long did it take for your side effects to improve?
My Side of the Pole 