I woke up early today so I could go to the hospital to support my father-in-law as he has surgery. I’m also here to support the rest of the family while we wait for the surgery to be over. I’m not used to being on this side of things. I’m normally the patient having surgery. I’m sure that everything will go well. Now, it’s just a waiting game. I’m happy to be here to support my family. They are always here to support me.
There are a few activities that I do that help to keep my brain occupied. I use adult coloring books and a wide variety of puzzles including Sudoku and word searches. However, my favorite puzzles are jigsaw puzzles. I find that my racing thoughts slow down a little bit while working on jigsaw puzzles. My negative thoughts don’t disappear, but they seem more manageable. I don’t have to deal with my overwhelming negative thoughts every second. I let myself get lost in the puzzle. It doesn’t work every time, but it does help most of the times. I can even do jigsaw puzzles on my laptop or my phone. It’s probably the best solution I’ve found in a very long time.
I had to see my PCP this afternoon to get a physical so I can restart ECT. This is the same doctor that was very disrespectful at my last visit about my weight. I’ve lost a little bit of weight since I’ve last seen her. I was hoping she would say something, but she didn’t. Oh well. However, she did ask me if I was depressed. Are you kidding me!? If she looked at my chart she would notice that I’m diagnosed with bipolar mixed, plus I was seeing her so I could get approved to restart ECT. People don’t do ECT for the fun of it. So I answered her question and said, “Yes, I struggle with depression.” Then she asked me if it was bad or if it was mild. I didn’t even answer that question. She sees that I take 9 psych meds. It’s like she didn’t even look at my chart!
I’m pretty unhappy with my PCP, but I don’t think I’m going to change doctors. It’s easier for me to stay with my current PCP and be unhappy than it is for me to go to a new doctor. I don’t like anything new, it terrifies me. Maybe I will change at some point, but for now I’m going to stay where I am.
Today I go see my PCP to get a physical so I can start ECT again. I don’t like my doctor, especially since she was so disrespectful at my last appointment regarding my weight. However, I have lost about 5 pounds since I saw her, so maybe she won’t comment about my weight this time. Maybe she’ll even give me something to get rid of this head cold, I’ve had it since Friday and nothing seems to be helping it.
I woke up this morning and I thought I was feeling better. I went to a doctor’s appointment, completed blood work, and went to visit a friend. Part way through the visit with my friend, my throat and ears started to itch. I left my friend’s house and by the time I got home I was feeling like total crap. I guess I pushed it too far too fast. I just want to start feeling better. I keep saying that I’m going to feel better when I wake up, but it’s not happening. I’m not giving up yet though. I will feel 100% better tomorrow, I’m determined.
A few days ago I started to feel a little off, physically. I had no energy, hot and cold flashes, and had a bit of the sniffles. After two days, I thought it was getting better. Sunday night, I went to sleep thinking that I would wake up feeling back to my normal self. However, I woke up yesterday even worse. I have some type of head cold; runny/stuffy nose, scratchy throat and ears, and total exhaustion. Normally, when I get sick like this, it goes straight to my lungs. Thank goodness that hasn’t happened this time! Maybe it’s because of the pneumonia vaccine or maybe because I don’t smoke anymore. I’m sure those two things have definitely helped. I’m still not feeling any better today, but at least it’s not in my lungs. I’m hoping to feel better by tomorrow because I’m supposed to meet up with an old friend.
My mind won’t stop thinking. It just keeps going and going, and no matter what I do, it keeps reverting back to two different thoughts that I really don’t want to think about. My mind either keeps going back to suicidal ideations or it thinks about an old friend of mine that did not believe in mental health. These are definitely things that I do not want to be thinking of, but I can’t help it. It’s driving me nuts! I’m hoping that when I start ECT again, it will help me forget about that unsupportive old friend.
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
When I’m deep in my depression, someone can say something that makes me smile or laugh even the slightest bit, and it can make all the difference. Even if it only brings me a moment of joy, it makes a world of difference for me.
Yesterday was a slow day. I wasn’t feeling very well, so I pretty much laid on the couch all day. It was a very long and boring day. I’m feeling better today, so I need to get back on track. I need to go grocery shopping today and workout (Zumba).
I’ve been eating healthy and working out for a little while now. I lost 3 pounds in the first 3 days, but then my weight has stayed steady since then. It makes me feel like I’m doing all of this work for nothing. I know the results will show up eventually, I just don’t have a lot of patience. Patience is one of the most important things I need to keep right now. I don’t want to give up before the results show. I’m doing all the right things, the results will show eventually.
Yesterday was a very productive day. I cleaned the entire house; dusting, kitchen, bathrooms, vacuuming, and mopping. After that I even did a 40 minute Zumba video. I tried to stay busy to keep my mind occupied. I’m anxious and nervous about going back to ECT. I think I’m just worried about what will happen if it doesn’t work, or if it stops working again after some time. I’m running out of options, or at least it feels that way. I guess I’m just scared.