I hope everyone had a happy Memorial Day. I want to thank all of those who served in our military and their families. I have a lot of memories of Memorial Day parades and barbecues. I’m trying to be productive and useful today.
I’ve been talking about getting my hair cut for months now. I haven’t had it done in over a year. I don’t remember where I normally get my hair cut because of my hair loss. Because of that, I’m too nervous to go somewhere new and have someone I don’t know stand behind me with scissors, so my solution was to just ignore the need for a haircut. Today, my husband offered to take me where he goes and to go with me. I really needed a haircut. My hair was almost down to the skinniest part of my waist. Now, my hair is almost shoulder length. I cut a lot off. It’s so much easier to deal with and it’s so much cooler in this Arizona summer heat. I was afraid to get my hair cut, but I faced my fear and went through with it, with my husband by my side, and it wasn’t all that scary.
Today is a very busy day filled with anxiety. I have a Sears coming between 12pm and 2pm to deliver a new dryer because the other one broke over the weekend. I also have Goodwill coming to pick up a bunch of stuff, and of course they’re coming between 12pm and 2pm as well. That will be a lot of activity, and a lot of strangers, at once, and my husband will be at work. I will have to take a Valium, probably around 11am, so I’m ready for these people when they get here.
I’m nervous about both things happening today. I was originally told that both would be between 7am and 5pm. Of course, with my good luck, they both called and narrowed it down between 12pm and 2pm. I’m hoping they don’t come at the exact same time, but I suppose I’ll just have to go with the flow.
Am I the only person that doesn’t like Halloween? It feels like I’m the only one. Halloween parties are full of people trying to sneak up on you and scare you; I hate that. People are dressed in costumes and you don’t always know who is who. There is candy and junk food everywhere, which is normally hard enough, this juicing fast makes that almost impossible to get through.
My husband and I were invited to a Halloween party. He wants to go, but I don’t. I feel like he was disappointed when I said I didn’t want to go. He tried talking me into it. I’ll probably end up going and taking lots of Valium. I don’t see myself going to a party and enjoying myself.
If there are others out there that don’t like Halloween, please let me know and tell me what you do on Halloween night.
Today, someone is coming to fix the dishwasher. It’s been broken for almost a week, so I’m happy about the idea of having a dishwasher again. However, I do not like the idea of a strange guy in my house. My dog can look scary when he’s barking, but that will only last about one minute before he wants to play and be pet by this stranger. The dog’s no good for protection. Thank goodness my husband will be here. That makes me feel safe. I’m sure the guy coming to fix the dishwasher is a nice guy, but my mind always thinks about ‘what if’ situations.
I’m still feeling like a screw up. I wish I knew how to get rid of this feeling. I keep doing things that I’m good at, hoping to counteract this emotion, but the feeling is still there. It’s an irrational emotion, but it’s what’s going on with me lately. At least I know that this feeling won’t last forever. With my bipolar disorder, I know that no emotion will ever last forever. I will go up and down quite often. So all I need to do is hang on until this horrible feeling goes away.
Pretending to be feeling okay, when you’re not, is exhausting. I do this mostly around my in-laws. I don’t know why. They know about my bipolar disorder and are very supportive. I guess it’s just my comfort level. I’ll open up over time. I’m getting more and more comfortable around them. I think it’s just because we normally spend our time in large groups. I do better one on one.
While I was away visiting my family, I get a phone call from my husband telling me that the ceiling fan and garbage disposal stopped working. Of course it had to happen when I was gone, but I put in a maintenance request (we rent this house) and then had to wait. The maintenance man called a couple of days ago and scheduled an appointment to come over yesterday. I wasn’t too worried about it because my husband was going to be home with me. However, it’s still difficult for me to have a stranger in the house. My anxiety tends to skyrocket when there are people in my house I don’t know. I have my husband and my dog (who looks mean but is far from it) to make me feel safe and protect me.
Of course, it can’t be just one problem at a time. Apparently, while I was gone, all of the television shows we record on local channels won’t play. It gives an error message saying that there is no audio or video available. The weird part is that all of our other channels had no issues at all. I called DirecTV and they were very polite on the phone. Their technical support staff did all they could, but were unable to fix the issue, so they are sending someone out here today. I’m happy to have them come fix the issue, and it’s great that they can do it so quickly, but that means another person in my house.
I’m really hoping that my husband will still be home when they get here, but it’s a four-hour window when they will arrive. My husband will probably have to go to work at some point during that window. When he’s home, I’m much more calm. When he’s gone, my anxiety goes through the roof, especially when someone knocks on the door or when the dog starts barking, usually for no reason. I wish I was able to feel safe. I’m pretty sure that I am safe; I just don’t feel like I am. Safety, for me, is a feeling that must come from inside. The best way for me to start feeling safe is by continuously telling myself, ‘I can do this’.
My flight got in a few minutes late, and I’m just happy to be home. I took my time going from the plane to baggage claim. When I got to baggage claim, it was so crowded, it scared me. Luckily, just as I walked up to the carousel, my bag appeared. I didn’t have to wait there with that huge crowd of people for more than two minutes. My husband picked me up at the airport and it was great to see him. When I got home, my dog was excited to see me, which is always a good feeling. It’s been a long day. I’ll have to get used to the time change again. I was just starting to get used to the time change while I was back in Connecticut, now I have to get used to Arizona time again. Why is traveling so exhausting? I still have to unpack, but I don’t think I have the energy for it tonight. I think I’ll have to add it to my huge list of things to do tomorrow.
That’s probably the thing I hate the most about traveling. When I get back home, there are so many things to do and they all have to get done right away. Normally, I push myself to get everything done right away. However, I don’t see the point in pushing myself even further than I already have. Simply traveling, dealing with airports, and getting through the crowds should be enough for one day. I’m done for now.
Not the airport again. I really hate airports, but I love planes. It’s just the people who I hate. People you don’t even know invade your personal space. I’m always afraid that I’m going to have to get a pat down when going through security. I panic when strangers touch me, sometimes even when people I know touch me. So the thought of a pat down is terrifying. In all of the times I’ve flown, it’s only happened to me twice. Most likely, everything will go smoothly (despite people invading my personal space) and I will have worried for nothing. I can’t help it.
I hate it when people tell me, just relax or calm down. The worst is when people say, there’s no reason to be nervous. Maybe there’s no reason to be nervous for them, but for me, it’s horrifying. I wish there was a better way to travel long distances. I have driven cross-country twice, but it is a 37 hour drive one way. I’m not really up for that. It’s like when people tell you how great you look or how great you’re doing when you’re going through a major depression. I know people are just trying to be polite, but it’s not helping. It generally feels more like someone telling me how I should feel instead of accepting how I actually feel. I don’t know if that was confusing or not. I tried to explain it all including how I feel. Does anyone else have this same issue? Does anyone else feel insulted or discredited when people try to tell you how great you look? All I want is to be accepted as I am. I hope that’s not too much to ask.