Category: Anxiety and Panic

Knocks On The Door Are Terrifying

Knocks On The Door Are Terrifying

I have anxiety attacks frequently. I’m used to them on some level. However, anytime someone knocks on my door or rings the doorbell, my heart automatically jumps, as if it’s trying to jump out of my chest. I don’t know why, but I panic every time there’s a noise outside of my house. When it happens, my mind flashes back to when I was 17 and living with an abusive boyfriend.

It used to paralyze me, but now I slowly walk to the door with my dog and check to see who is there. I hate the fear I feel when there’s a knock on the door. They’re panic attacks and I feel like I have no control over them. I’ve been able to reduce how long they last, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get rid of them completely. Most of my anxiety and panic attacks are related to sound. I don’t know why that is.

Family Gatherings

Family Gatherings

Not only is Thanksgiving just around the corner, but we’re also having a family reunion next Sunday with my father-in-law’s side of the family. My husband is helping me prepare for Thanksgiving. I now know whose house it will be at and when we have to be there. I also know that there are going to be some people I don’t know, but I will just stick by the people that I know.

There are also going to be a lot of people at the family reunion that I haven’t met. I’m nervous about it, but also excited. I’ve heard stories about these people, but never met most of them. As long as I have my husband by my side, I should be okay. The Valium will also help. It’s a lot to deal with in such a small amount of time, but I think I’ll be able to manage.

Then shortly after that, my husband and I fly to Connecticut to spend a week with my family. I’m not anxious or worried about being with my family. Actually, I’m excited to spend time with family. The only thing I worry about is the traveling; I’ve done it before, I can do it again.

No Support Group Last Night?

No Support Group Last Night?

I went to group last night; I had accidentally forgotten to go last week. I was nervous, but I was also looking forward to going. I had a lot on my mind; plus, I had just dropped dinner and dealt with that situation. I want to be going to a group every week; I’m looking for something that will be a part of my normal schedule. I don’t think that this group can give that to me, but it’s still important to go to a group to have support from other people like me.

I waited 20 minutes for someone to show up, but no one came. I was going to just turn right around and go home, but I thought it would be better to stay. I had already gotten myself to the group, which is not an easy task, I might as well stay to see if someone show’s up. They could have made some kind of announcement last week, which I did not attend, saying that group was canceled, I’ll never know. When the time was up and no one comes, I turned around and went home. I’m still giving myself credit for going there and trying.

Spill

Spill

I was really on top of everything that was happening yesterday. I decided to prepare the meal, which was Chicken Tetrazzini, ahead of time and then simply put it in the oven when my husband heads home from work. I spent about an hour preparing the food, I put it in the casserole dish, top it with parmesan cheese, covered it with tin foil, and then, I dropped it as I picked it up. It was another one of my twitches, myoclonic jerks, from the Lithium. Not only did I drop the meal I had worked hard on to make, I also dropped my favorite casserole dish that I got as a gift when we got married.

I immediately got angry at myself, angry at my medication, and angry about my situation in general. I cleaned everything up while mumbling negatively under my breath. I spoke to my husband and I vented to him. He was kind and said he would replace my favorite dish. It helped me begin a little. I came to realize that I was lucky I didn’t get hurt when the dish broke. Trying to look at this in a more positive manner helped me feel a little better. I’m now going around in circles in my head; I’m positive, then negative, over and over, and I probably will that way for the rest of the night.

I’m worried. I was lucky that what I dropped didn’t hurt me. What if I was picking up a pot filled with boiling water? I could serious get hurt. I love cooking, I would be extremely upset if I ended up not being able to cook on a regular basis anymore. If that were to happen, I would decide to go off of Lithium, which is what causes the twitching. My mind keeps going through all of the different possibilities. I need to get my mind off of this; there’s nothing I can do about it now anyways.

Psychiatrist Appointment Later Today

Psychiatrist Appointment Later Today

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today. I’m all ready for it; I have my list of things I want to talk to him already in my purse so I don’t forget it. Now, all I have to do is get through the appointment. I always wonder what he thinks of me. Does he think I’m ridiculous because there’s nothing that can help me regularly? Probably not; he is the one that diagnosed me as bipolar 1, rapid cycling and treatment resistant. I probably think I’m ridiculous more than other people do. I think those type of things about myself more than other people do. Well, here’s to hoping the appointment goes well. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Thanksgiving Is Coming

Thanksgiving Is Coming

I just realized that Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It’s next Thursday, November 24th. I don’t even know where I will be spending the holiday this year. My husband’s family take turn hosting holidays, thank goodness my house is too small to host a big holiday like that. I’m going to miss being at my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. I always loved it so much; it was the perfect amount of love, laughter, family, and nuttiness. I know all of that will be at Thanksgiving at my in-law’s house, but it won’t be the same as what I grew up with.

It’s time that I start preparing for the holiday. I need to find out where it is and who might be coming. I just want to know how big the holiday celebration will be. I want to prepare myself as much as possible so I can have a good time at Thanksgiving dinner. The more I know, the more comfortable I may feel.

A Problem Running Errands

A Problem Running Errands

The only errand I had yesterday was to go grocery shopping and get my prescriptions. I didn’t time things well, I ended up going to the store right after most people get out of work, but I thought the store would be slower than normal due to Veteran’s Day. If anything, the store was busier than normal, but I handled it.

As I was leaving the store a guy who appeared to be in his early 20s was in front of me. It felt as if he was trying to hide behind my cart, which made me very uncomfortable. Then two managers from the store came out and asked the guy to come back in the store. The guy automatically started saying, “I didn’t do anything, what do you want?” He was acting very guilty and the employees had to physically force the guy back into the store. I walked away as quickly as possible. I have no clue why I was so uncomfortable and fearful. Why did that situation bother me so much?

I never stole anything before. Growing up in a family that had their own independent pharmacy, there were always people stealing from the store. My dad didn’t press charges on kids/teenagers. Instead, he made them work off what they owed Maybe, what happened today is just reminding me of my childhood.

Barking Dog

Barking Dog

I’m home alone, while my husband is at work, and my dog, Cash, keeps barking. Every time he barks it freaks me out, especially since he’s normally so quiet. Each time he barks I get up and show him that no one is outside, the front door and the back. He calms down for a little bit, but he keeps barking about 5 minutes later. The same thing happens over and over with no one and nothing there.

I deal with auditory hallucinations regularly. When I’m at home and I hear things, I look Cash for security. If there was actually something there, he would recognize the sound and and bark at it. There’s almost never anything, so I calm down and go back to whatever I was doing. However, this evening, since Cash is barking at almost everything, I’m very anxious. I can’t wait for my husband to get home from work. I’ll feel a lot better then.

Learning To Say No

Learning To Say No

At my therapy appointment, we came to the realization that I put others ahead of myself. If someone wants to do something, I almost always do it, even if it’s not what I want or if it causes anxiety. For me, saying no takes a lot of work. I think it causes more anxiety to say no than it does to do most anything anxiety provoking. My therapist wants me to work on this. He actually wants me to say no more often; to stand up for my own desires and opinions.

So I did it, I said no to something. There is a large family get-together this weekend that I don’t want to go to for several reasons. There will be a lot of people there that I don’t know, it’s out of my normal comfort-zone, and my husband wouldn’t be able to come with me. Normally, I would say yes to the invitation and then have anxiety attacks all week leading up to the get-together and then at the event itself. Instead, I said no; I’m still having anxiety attacks, but they’re a lot less than they would have been if I said yes.

Are there other people who struggle in this way as well? What do they do to help them?