Communicating with Loved Ones

It’s hard enough to keep up relationships with friends. For me, when I’m in a depression, I isolate; I’m happy to do so because it’s easier than talking to people. However, one thing I should be doing all the time is communicating with my family. If it was only that easy. I’ve learned that I can text my siblings a message that simply says, “Just saying hi”. That’s enough for me and for them. If they’re available, they will text me back. My siblings live very busy lives. Today, my brother responded and we had a texting conversation, and that made me smile. Every once in a while we will talk, but we don’t need to all the time. The simple text message lets them know I’m thinking of them and that I care.

It can be hard to talk to some people I love while I’m depressed because hiding the depression is not very easy. I know I don’t need to hide the depression for them, it’s for me, it’s my comfort level. When I do talk to loved ones, it seems that I’m trying to figure out what I should say. I’m always afraid of saying the wrong thing. I know I need to get over that because loved ones are very understanding. I’m harder on myself than other people are.

Bullying

When I was a kid, I was bullied by kids, but I also bullied other kids. For some reason, I didn’t put it together how hurtful it was to be made fun of, so I mocked other kids. The first time I remember being made fun of was in kindergarten, and it still affects me to this day. I remember being laughed at in my Halloween costume by upperclassmen. I go back to those feelings of embarrassment and misery every year at Halloween. I was made fun of at various times from kindergarten through high school. I was even made fun of while I was in the popular group.

I’m ashamed to admit that I bullied other kids, but I need to be honest. When I was bullying others, it was because I thought it was going to make me feel better and increase my self-esteem. I wish I could go back and tell myself how much harm I was doing to others, and that the kids who made fun of me were doing it for the same reason I was. During high school, I was made fun of because I was different from the other kids. I didn’t quite fit it and it was because of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I feel horrible and guilty because I was hurtful back to those that hurt me. I think more about the harm I did to others. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. Bullying is permanent; once you emotionally hurt someone, the damage is done.

Bipolar Depression Prescription Commercial

Any time that I’m home, my TV is turned on. I’m usually not watching what is actually on TV, it’s just background noise. There are so many commercials on TV that promote prescription drugs to help depression. I do believe in prescription medications, but I don’t like that some individuals, with no mental health experience, now tries to relate to what we go through with our diagnoses.

There’s a difference between sympathy and empathy. I don’t want anyone’s pity, but it would be nice to have others trying to understand. In my experience, only those that deal with the same things that I deal with, can understand how I feel. I don’t think it’s possible to truly understand what a person goes through unless you go through it as well. My family members do their best to understand what I deal with, and I greatly appreciate that because they do it without pitying me.

Group Therapy From Support Groups

Group therapy is not something I like very much, but I am getting some of it from the depression support group I started going to. It’s great to get feedback from others who are going through the same type of situations. Having people understand what you’re dealing with is a nice change of pace. Trying to explain yourself to people can be exhausting.

As long as I am comfortable with the people in the group, then I would feel fine opening up to the other group members, but it takes quite a while for me to become comfortable with new people. I’m trying very hard with the new group I attend on Thursday nights. I’ve been there 3 times now and I plan to keep going, except for next week (my anniversary).

One of the things I struggle with at support groups is sitting still while others speak. I don’t mind listening to others at all, but I do have a hard time sitting still, especially if I’m dealing with anxiety. I tend to rock back and forth or fidget with my fingers. I try my hardest not to do that, but I do think that other group members understand how hard it is to sit down for 2 hours. At this point, I have committed to going to this new group, hoping that something positive can come out of it.

Depression and Personal Hygiene

One thing that is not often talked about is personal hygiene; however, it is something that can be a problem during depressive episodes. Sometimes, depression can get so bad that it is almost impossible to get out of bed or off the couch and take a shower. I admit that this is one of my struggles during the deeper parts of my depression. In fact, this was a problem just a couple of weeks ago. My mom was the one who helped me and got me to shower every day. She just kept talking to me about it, without any judgement. Once I was showering every day, it gave me the energy to complete other daily tasks.

Poor personal hygiene can frequently be a sign for a depressive episode. In my experience, I was unable to take care of myself. I also remember not being able to get up to feed the dog. Self neglect, or neglecting one’s daily tasks is not only a sign of depression, but it can also make the depression worse. It’s a vicious cycle, which can often make depression harder to get out of. I’m grateful that I have someone to lookout for me when I can’t lookout for myself. I hope that everyone has someone to help them through these difficult and embarrassing times.

Support Group Is Improving

I went to the same support group last night; that’s three weeks in a row. I didn’t stay as long because I wanted to get home to my husband, who just had an epidural a couple hours before the group started. The first two times, I found some things to be frustrating about the group, but it was probably all of my fears since it was new to me. However, yesterday went really well. Nothing was frustrating. It was actually enjoyable. I think I will continue going back. I won’t be going next week because it is 3rd anniversary with my husband.

There’s another support group that’s somewhat close to me and I’ve been thinking about trying that one as well. I’m nervous about that because it’s new to me. But the one I go to now was new just a few weeks ago, and I made that one work.

Update: Another Day Down

I’ve made it another day with the juicing. I even found one juice recipe that I can drink without wanting to choke afterwards. It’s made mostly of pineapple, apple, and spinach. It helps that I get to eat fruits and vegetables. I got to snack on green grapes today, which was extremely satisfying. Luckily, I’m not hungry very often. The juice is very filling; the large amount of water I drink every day also helps keep me full.

I have talk therapy tomorrow, which is something I need. I just need to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn’t freak out or become overly concerned when I explain certain aspects of my depression. I know my depression is slowly getting better, but that doesn’t mean I feel good. At this point, it means I’m no longer taking naps during the day, I’m sleeping at night, and I’m willing to leave the house to run errands. I believe I will keep improving, slowly but surely.

I Made It Through The First Day

I made it through my first day of juicing. I have to admit, it’s not fun. The juices do not taste good. I tried a few different juices. I think the hardest part about drinking the juice is the smell. Now I’m on day 2 of the juicing fast. I’m excited to see how all of this will turn out.

My mind was so focused on the juicing yesterday, that I wasn’t thinking much about how depressed I am. The thoughts of loneliness, depression, hopelessness, and suicidal ideations were not on my mind nearly as much as they usually are. It was nice to have some relief from all of those horrible thoughts. I hope that this type of thinking continues as the juicing continues.

The New Support Group Was A Success

Last night, I went to a new support group. My panic attack first hit at 4pm (the meeting was at 5:30pm). I took a Valium and that helped a bit. When it got to the time that I had to leave to go to the meeting, my nerves shot up again. I started texting with a friend who was supportive and encouraging. I entered the room where the meeting was to take place, and I started pacing back and forth. My friend helped keep me calm again.

I sat down at the table and I was happy to see that this was a small meeting of only 6 people. I prefer smaller meetings because each person has more time to share. Plus, large groups increase my anxiety. My leg was shaking the whole time under the table. There was nothing I could do to stop it; it’s something I do when I get anxious. I shared for a couple of minutes at one point during the meeting. I made it through the entire meeting despite my anxiety. I have no reason not to go back again next week. I can only assume that I will become more comfortable with the group over time.

Starting To See Again

It hasn’t even been a week since I went back on Mirapex, yet I think I see some improvements already. Instead of sleeping all day and night, I’m only taking about one nap a day. I’m also actually getting some things done. I’ve been able to run errands a lot easier than it has been. I’m tired, I don’t care much about anything, I cry randomly, and I’m feeling a lot of guilt and hopelessness. It’s still difficult, but I think I see some changes, I’m starting to be able to see things again in a good way.

The depression has made it hard for me to blog. I don’t have the energy to write, and when I do, I don’t really have much to say. I’m doing my best to keep my blog updated. I know that it’s helpful for me while I try to get through this depression.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Depression