Feeling Better and Working Hard

I’m feeling a little better today, which is good because I have lots to do. My lawyer is going to call me in a few hours to explain how things are going with my case. I’m very curious and can’t wait to hear how it’s going. Then, my father-in-law and his girlfriend are coming over. Our house is a disaster because I already started packing. Hopefully they will understand that. I normally don’t let anyone in the house unless it’s clean, but cleaning and packing don’t really go together. My husband and I are going to take them too our new house shortly after they get here. I can’t wait to see the house again.

I also have a meeting to go to tonight, which I’m very nervous about. I’m meeting someone there, so I won’t be alone, but I’m still nervous. I used to go to these exact meetings (6pm Monday through Friday) every day until 2009 when I went on disability due to my mental health. I’m a little worried that people are going to ask me where I’ve been or why I haven’t been coming. My mom helped me out. If people ask where I’ve been, I can simply say, “Not here, how are you?” I think I can do that. I at least have to try.

Excitement and Worrisome

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. I spent the entire day waiting to find out if the sellers of the house we like are going to accept our offer or not. We spent the whole day waiting to hear and the day ended still without finding out any news. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you for certain that I’m not good at waiting. Hopefully we will get an answer later today; and of course we’re hoping that it’s going to be a positive response.

Other than the anxiety and waiting, yesterday was a physically painful day. I was having a lot of pain, it was probably due to the increased stress. I was also working on my taxes, which is a stressful and time-consuming task.

This morning, I have another ECT treatment; I think that this is my 8th treatment in this series. After ECT, I will have the opportunity to rest, if I can, but I usually can’t. Then tomorrow evening, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over and we can all go out to eat. My mom has not had the ability to meet her yet, so I’m really looking forward to this opportunity that they’ll have.

I’m hoping that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. I just need to figure out how to relax a little more. Looking for houses is definitely exciting, but is not at all relaxing. It’s more worrisome than anything else. I’m lucky I have the love and support from my husband and my mom to get me through every moment. They could both look at me and tell (just my looking at me) that I was having a rough day. I tried to pretend I was okay, but the people who know me best could tell that I was having a difficult time.

Lots To Do Before My Mom Arrives

I got a lot of stuff done today, especially since I started my day out with another ECT treatment. I tried to rest after my ECT, but it didn’t work at all. I just laid in bed for about 30 minutes without the ability to fall asleep; it was extremely frustrating. I also went grocery shopping and worked on my taxes. And soon, I’m about to start cooking dinner; beef and bacon smoked sausage with sun-dried tomatoes and mushrooms. Tomorrow is going to be an even busier day; my dog goes to the vet for a bath, then I have an appointment with my therapist, I need to get my regular blood work done, I need to clean my house, and then my mom comes to visit for a week (yay!!!) I have no clue when I’m going to find time to clean the house and get everything done, but somehow I will make it work.

I also bought tickets to a Coyotes (hockey) game for next Monday. The seats are 4th row almost center ice for only $60 a piece. My husband and I could pass up the deal. This is going to be only my 2nd time with seats this good.

While my mom is visiting, we have lots to do. Everyone (meaning my in-laws) all want to visit with my mom, so I’ve scheduled for us to go out to a few different meals. I understand why my in-laws want to spend time with my mom, and of course I want them to all spend time together; however, I don’t really want to share any of the time that I have with her. I am sharing our time together, but I’m quite a bit jealous.

Celebrating My Bday Early

Today, my mother-in-law is having a get-together at her house to celebrate my birthday. She does it for everyone’s birthday. It’s so nice that they treat me like everyone else. I’m treated like every other family member. I’m really excited that I get to see my granddaughter today, at least I hope so. She’s growing up so quickly. She is already 17 months old. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone.

Emotional Detachment?

I’ve been having a hard time staying in contact with friends lately. I think it’s my bipolar depression that makes me not want to connect with people; even when I want to connect with people, it’s a difficult activity. It takes a lot of work to stay in contact with people. Talking to people, whether they are family or friends, often feels like work, even when I’m talking to people who I want to talk to. It maybe something similar to emotional detachment, or it could be a reaction from my PTSD due to fear.

I do my best to stay in contact with a couple of people, such as my husband and mother. However, it gets harder and harder as time goes on. I’ve always been such a talker, so I find it weird that talking to people is so difficult for me. I notice that as time goes on, I talk to fewer people. Especially my friends; I let go of them when I’m struggling because it’s too much for me to manage. While I separate myself from them, I’m thinking of them often. When I’m doing better, I then try to reach out to my friends. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family members understand what I’m going through and they don’t judge me for separating myself from them.

My Next ECT Treatment

Just to update you from yesterday’s difficulty getting my prescription filled, I did finally get the script. It took about 4 more phone calls. It’s ridiculous that I even have to call them at all. Hopefully they will figure it out for the next time.

Today I have another ECT treatment, my appointment is in two hours. Since my husband is working, I asked my mother-in-law if she could bring me. I don’t like asking others for help, but sometimes you have to. When I asked her, she responded happily, she said, “Of course, that’s what family is for.” I felt a huge relief when she said that. She really does make me feel comfortable and feel like family. I hate asking for help, but I did it and it all worked out. I’m hoping that I will one day learn that asking for help is not a bad thing.

Everyone from my family lives far away (I’m the one that moved away). Most of them live in Connecticut and Massachusetts. So living in Arizona can be lonely. I’m very lucky to have my husband’s family who all live close to us. They have taken me in as their own family. My mother-in-law bringing me to my appointment is another example of how they treat me like their own.

Not Celebrating Valentine’s Day

I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s Day. My husband and I don’t really celebrate it. We will probably say “Happy Valentine’s day and I love you” but that’s all. No gifts. I don’t think there needs to be a designated day where we tell people we love them. My husband and I tell each other, “I love you” every day, which I’m very grateful for.

We are going to my mother-in-law’s house for a family get-together this afternoon. My step-daughter and my husband’s aunt both have birthdays today. I can’t wait to see my granddaughter. She’s walking now!

Loved and Supported

My husband came home last night with a bouquet of flowers for me. He said he got them just because I wasn’t feeling well and he wanted to help me feel better. It definitely brought a huge smile to my face. My husband does this from time to time; when he thinks I need some cheering up or sometimes just because. I’m very lucky to have so much support. He’s always trying to look out for me.

In fact, my entire family supports me. This afternoon I received a card in the mail from my aunt. It was just to let me know that she supports me and loves me. It was the perfect card. It’s a good feeling knowing that my family supports me unconditionally. It helps with the depression.

A Day At The Hospital

Everything we well yesterday with my father-in-law’s surgery. We were at the hospital for 10 hours, but the time went by fast. We kept each other company while we waited to hear how the surgery went and then while we waited to go back and see him. At one point, some woman came and sat next to us (we were sitting in a corner of the waiting room by ourselves). It got pretty uncomfortable then, especially since she inserted herself into our conversation. However, I think she was just trying to pass the time while she waited for her husband. There were four of us waiting for my father-in-law, and she was all alone. He gets to go home today if all goes well. We won’t know how successful it was for at least a couple of weeks.

I fell asleep early on the couch since it had been a long day. I woke up at 2am coughing, so I stayed on the couch. I didn’t want to go to bed and wake my husband up with my coughing. I thought I might be able to fall back asleep, but that didn’t work out very well. I’m not sure if we’re going back to the hospital today or not. Maybe I’ll stop by before my doctor’s appointment.

Looking Into Moving

My husband has been talking about moving for a couple of years now. I ask him where he pictures us moving to, and he says that he would like to movie back to Connecticut where my family lives. I never really believed him until yesterday. He says that the summers are way too hot for him to deal with any more. He has burns on over 30% of his body, making it very hard during the Arizona summers.

I always thought he was teasing me when he would talk about it. Now that I know he’s serious, there are a couple of things we need to look into. I told him he needs to go to Connecticut during the coldest part of the winter so he knows exactly what he’s getting himself into. I also told him he needs to spend at least 2 or 3 weeks there to see how it feels.

I have no clue what’s going to happen, but we’re at least looking into moving at this point. Surprisingly, I don’t have that much anxiety over the whole thing. It would be really nice to see my family regularly. That would actually be amazing.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Family