Halloween is here, whether I like it or not. Halloween is a holiday that has bothered me for a long time. I don’t like people I don’t know knocking on my door. I also don’t like walking around town with strangers, especially when people are dressed up in costumes so I don’t know who is who.
My husband is going trick or treating with our 2-year-old granddaughter, who is dressing up in a my little pony costume. They will be going as a group including my husband, mother-in-law, step-daughter, her boyfriend, and their kid (our granddaughter). Instead of committing myself to something I’m unsure about, I told them that I don’t know if I will be going or not. They think it’s because of my allergies and not feeling well, but it’s really because of my anxiety and PTSD.
I definitely will miss seeing our granddaughter experience Halloween, but I decided that it’s not a good idea to put myself through the anxiety. Instead, I will most likely stay home with my dog. My neighborhood (HOA) does not hand out candy, so there shouldn’t be anyone knocking on my door. I hope that everything goes okay.
I got to spend time with my granddaughter yesterday. Lacey is 22 months old. She is fun to spend time with, but at the same time it’s hard for me emotionally. I never had any kids. It was my choice, but it wasn’t an easy one. I decided that since I can’t even take care of myself on a regular basis due to my bipolar disorder, then I shouldn’t have children. I didn’t think it was a good thing for me to bring kids into this world.
That decision was a rough one, but I still think that it was the right choice for me. I regret that choice every day, but if I got the chance to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing. I’m not sure if that makes any sense or not. Because I don’t have my own children, it can make it emotionally difficult for me when I’m with my husband’s (and my) granddaughter.
Yesterday was a very tough day for me. I spent the entire day waiting to find out if the sellers of the house we like are going to accept our offer or not. We spent the whole day waiting to hear and the day ended still without finding out any news. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you for certain that I’m not good at waiting. Hopefully we will get an answer later today; and of course we’re hoping that it’s going to be a positive response.
Other than the anxiety and waiting, yesterday was a physically painful day. I was having a lot of pain, it was probably due to the increased stress. I was also working on my taxes, which is a stressful and time-consuming task.
This morning, I have another ECT treatment; I think that this is my 8th treatment in this series. After ECT, I will have the opportunity to rest, if I can, but I usually can’t. Then tomorrow evening, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over and we can all go out to eat. My mom has not had the ability to meet her yet, so I’m really looking forward to this opportunity that they’ll have.
I’m hoping that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. I just need to figure out how to relax a little more. Looking for houses is definitely exciting, but is not at all relaxing. It’s more worrisome than anything else. I’m lucky I have the love and support from my husband and my mom to get me through every moment. They could both look at me and tell (just my looking at me) that I was having a rough day. I tried to pretend I was okay, but the people who know me best could tell that I was having a difficult time.
Today, my mother-in-law is having a get-together at her house to celebrate my birthday. She does it for everyone’s birthday. It’s so nice that they treat me like everyone else. I’m treated like every other family member. I’m really excited that I get to see my granddaughter today, at least I hope so. She’s growing up so quickly. She is already 17 months old. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone.
Babysitting my granddaughter went really well. She’s such a good baby. There was some trouble falling asleep, but once she fell asleep she slept through the night, 9 1/2 hours. I can’t believe she does that, it’s so awesome. She only cries when there’s a reason, such as being hungry, needing a diaper change, or being tired. The rest of the time she just plays and is a very happy baby. Hopefully we’ll get to babysit more often. It was a great year to begin the new year
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m lucky enough to spend my night with my husband and granddaughter. It’s the first time we babysit for her. I’ve just finished baby proofing the house, I cleaned everything yesterday, the high chair and the play pen are set up. I’m ready for her to come, although she won’t be here for another 7 hours.
While I wait for her to arrive, I can do some more cleaning, do laundry, and try to exhaust the dog by taking him on a really long walk (if it’s not raining). My dog gets a little excited when Lacey comes over and I don’t want him to push her around, so hopefully I have the chance to make him tired.
I’m staying busy today; running errands, cleaning up, cooking, etc. It’s just another day, nothing special, same old crap. I’m feeling pretty down, feeling as if I don’t matter. I wish I could get those thoughts out of my head. I keep beating myself up, emotionally. At least I haven’t cried yet today. That’s something to be happy about.
I’m getting ready for my granddaughter to sleep over on Saturday night. The play pen is all set up. I’ve been putting things away. Now all I have to do is clean. I can’t wait to have her here. It’s what has been keeping me going this week.
I had a really nice Christmas yesterday with my husband and his family. The molasses cookies were a hit with everyone. Everything went well at his mother’s house and at his father’s house. It was a busy day, we were gone from 10am until 6:30pm. I miss my family in Connecticut very much, but I’m lucky to have family to spend my holidays with in Arizona. I have family no matter where I am.
My stepdaughter asked if my husband and I could babysit our granddaughter overnight on New Year’s Eve. We’re both very excited. This is the first time they’ve asked us to watch her. I’ll have her on my own for a couple hours until my husband gets home from work. I’m a little nervous, but extremely excited. This gives me something to look forward to all week long. Maybe they’ll even have us babysit more often. I can’t wait!
I got to see my granddaughter yesterday for a couple of hours. My step-daughter, her boyfriend, their daughter (my granddaughter), my husband, and myself all got together at my mother-in-laws house for dinner. We had a great time, but for some reason I have a hard time interacting with my granddaughter around a group of people. I’ve never had a child, so I don’t really know what to do or how to connect with any baby, even my own grandchild. I guess I just freeze. I’m getting better at connecting with her, but it’s not easy. I suppose I just feel out of place. Plus, it just reminds me that I don’t and will never have kids of my own, which makes me want to cry every time that thought goes through my mind. I think I’ll get better at interacting with my grandchild over time, at least I hope so.
Yesterday was such a busy day, I didn’t get home until around 11pm. We got a lot done. My husband and I both got haircuts; it had been over a year since I got my hair cut. I kept putting it off out of fear. I was afraid to have someone standing behind me with scissors, and I couldn’t remember anywhere I had previously cut my hair. After that, we dealt with some car insurance stuff that had to get done. My husband had his tires rotated. We went shopping for some warmer clothes to wear while we are back east. We visited with my mother-in-law for a little while. We spent a couple of hours getting new phones. And finally, we spent some time at a friend’s house. Overall, it was a busy day, and I’m exhausted.
It was nice to get so much done, but it would have been easier if we spread it out a little more. Tomorrow, I have an appointment with my therapist, then a chest x-ray. Then I get to see my granddaughter at my mother-in-law’s house. I can’t wait to see her. I will only be staying a couple of hours. I need some time for me, some time to rest.