Sleeping Well

Sleeping Well

Last night I slept better than I have slept in months. I only got up once and I went back to sleep just under 30 minutes. Normally, I wake up once or twice, and I’m awake for anywhere between 1 and 3 hours. Sometimes, I wake up and can’t fall back to sleep at all. I’m happy that I was able to finally get the rest that need. Hopefully I can sleep like that again tonight.

I even remember the dream I had, which is very unusual for me. I remember handing out with an ex of mine. We met at school and then suddenly there were multiple tornadoes all over the place. The ex and I took cover and were safe. Just when we thought it was over, more tornadoes came. I don’t really believe that dreams mean something in our lives. I just find that dream interesting. The tornadoes were so real and scary.

Sad Nightmare

Sad Nightmare

Last night I had a terrible dream last night, it was a nightmare unlike any others I have had. My father was in a coma in the hospital for a few years. I would go visit him, hoping he would wake up, but nothing would happen. Then, one day, he finally awoke but he didn’t know who I was. He didn’t know who anyone in our family was. This was horrible. I was crying in my dream and I woke up crying as well. In real life, my father died over 12 years ago and I miss him more than I thought possible. I wish I could have a good dream about my father; then it would be like having him back, even if it was for a moment.

I tend to have a lot of bad dreams and nightmares. The only good thing is that I tend to forget them shortly after I wake up; however, I do wake up scared or sad. It often takes me a little while to figure out what is real and what isn’t when I first wake up. Most of my nightmares are about my past or they involve losing loved ones. I would like to stop my nightmares without taking any new medication. Maybe I should put up a dream catcher above my bed to catch my bad dreams.

Awake Again…Still

Awake Again…Still

I’m here again on the couch, unable to sleep. This happened last night too, but I fell asleep after a couple of hours. Tonight, I’ve been trying to fall asleep for five hours with no luck. I don’t even have the heavy eyelids that I had yesterday. I consider that funny because all day long yesterday I could barely keep my eyes open and my body was hurting for some reason. Then the night comes, and all of that disappears. I’m wide awake. I figured I might as well do some writing.

I wonder why this is happening again. My Clozapine normally puts me to sleep within 20 minutes, I wonder why it’s not working the past couple nights. It normally works better than any sleeping medication I’ve ever been on. I have been dealing with more anxiety than normal. This is due to my gym workouts, going bowling (my husband and I enjoy going in the summer), my dog has another skin infection (it’s finally starting to improve), and dealing with a lot of bills. When it rains, it pours.

I don’t think I’m going to get any sleep tonight. Oh well, I’ll just have to deal with it for one night (hopefully that’s all it is). When I do finally fall asleep, I’m having very vivid dreams. I can remember the details. In one dream, I had kids. When I woke up, I realized that it wasn’t real and never will be.

Vivid Dreams

Vivid Dreams

Insomnia and other sleeping disorders are common among patients with bipolar disorder. I personally have suffered from insomnia. I have taken Ambien, Lunesta, Seroquel, Trazodone, and other medications over the years to get me to sleep. Right now, the Clozapine I take gets me to sleep and keeps me asleep. It is also common for individuals with bipolar disorder to have very vivid dreams, especially nightmares.

Patients diagnosed with bipolar disorder often have strange and scary dreams. Many of these patients have anxiety in their dreams. Their type of dreams may also change depending on their status, whether they are manic or depressed. My husband tells me that I am very active at night. I tend to talk a lot in my sleep and I also move around a lot. I’m not sure, but I think that this is related to the type of dream I am having.

Nightmares tend to occur more often for those diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Personally, I tend to have very vivid and scary dreams, but if I don’t talk or write about them right away, I will easily forget the dreams. For the past couple of weeks, my dreams have been extremely vivid. Everything seems so real. The dreams I’m having are mostly everyday situations. I’ve actually had a few times when I’ve confused my dreams with real life. The dreams are common occurrences such as disagreements with my husband or family members, difficulties with doctor appointments for my physical health, or problems with pets.

One of the things that suck is that I have been feeling physical pain in my dreams, specifically bladder pain like I feel from my bladder disorder. I wish I could get rid of these dreams. Isn’t it enough that I have to deal with this crap during the day? Why do I have to deal with it again in my dreams? I had a conversation with my husband in one of my dreams. I ended up using that conversation from my dreams in a real life situation. My husband had no clue what I was talking about. It took me a while to realize that what I was talking about actually came from a dream.

I think I should start keeping track of my dreams. Maybe I’ll keep a journal next to my bed. This way I can write down what my dream was about as soon as I wake up. If I wait too long, then I completely forget what it was about. I’m interested to find out how my dreams change based on what episode I’m in.