Category: Worthless

Feeling Useless; I’ve Felt Like This Before

The past few days have been pretty rough. My husband hasn’t been feeling well, and we don’t know what’s wrong. At first, we thought it was just the flu. Some blood work came back, and we’re afraid it may be an autoimmune disease, liver disease, or something else more serious. So now, we’re waiting for more blood test results. I hate waiting.

The past few days have been hard for me, even though I’m not the one that’s ill. I keep trying to find ways to help my husband feel better, but there’s nothing that I can do to help. It reminds me of when I was a kid. My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12 or 13. He was pretty sick fairly often, especially from chemo and dialysis. I remember hanging around my dad when he was sick and feeling completely useless. He wasn’t feeling well and there was nothing I could do to help. That same feeling is coming back now. My husband isn’t feeling well, and nothing I do is helping.

Overwhelming Week

Overwhelming Week

This past week has been overwhelming. I’ve been feeling useless, hopeless, and worthless. I’ve been doing the best I can, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to make me feel worthwhile. No matter what, I keep trying, whether I want to or not. I want to give up, but I keep holding on. I don’t do it for myself, I do it for my family. My main reasons are my husband and my mother. I suppose it doesn’t really matter why I keep trying, what matters is that I keep doing it. I know that some days are better than others, which means that I will have better days than I’m having today. That means, I have to give myself the opportunity to have better moments/days. These crappy feelings will go away. I even feel a little bit better after writing this post than I did when I started writing today.

 

What Do I Do?

What Do I Do?

My therapy session went okay yesterday. We talked about what I’m going to do about the weight gain from the Clozapine. I want to go off the medication, but I’m afraid that if I do it will cause some horrible episode. I need to think about both my physical and mental health. The decision is impossible. I wanted my therapist to tell me what to do, but I know he can’t do that. I want someone (that I trust) to tell me what to do. I’m leaning towards going off the medication after the new year. I’m even willing to try IV Ketamine in order to get off Clozapine. I would do almost anything to get off this medication.

The weight gain is causing me to feel bad about myself. I’m crying off and on and I have no desire to leave the house. I would rather stay home alone where no one has to see me. Why does this have to be so difficult? I hate my life. I’m too overwhelmed with everything.

Depressed and Disabled

Depressed and Disabled

Yesterday ended up being a difficult day. The evening was the hard part. After my husband left for work, this deep heart-rending, wretched feeling set in. I started to feel ashamed of who I am; that is a feeling I haven’t felt in quite a while. I thought it was because of my weight, but that wasn’t it. I spent more time crying tonight than I have in months.

My mom called and we talked for a while. I started to tell her how I was feeling. As I was talking to her I figure out what the issue was. It was that my doctor completed my total and permanent disability paperwork. My therapist was also willing to do the paperwork if I needed it. Because of this paperwork, I realized that I had been on disability for 78 months. Wow, that is a long time. It’s something about being told I’m permanently disabled. I know it’s just a term, but it’s already been so long, and I’m not doing much better. I guess that’s why they diagnosed me as treatment resistant.

No matter what do or how hard I try, there’s always going to be a problem. I’ll go up and down; it will get better and worse, but the possibility of me becoming and staying stable is not likely. When my doctor filled out that paperwork for the total and permanent disability, he did so because he believes that to be true. He doesn’t believe that I will get back to fully functioning. I suppose I don’t believe I will get back to what I had before; a job and a social life. I don’t think everything is a failure; I’m just questioning it all.

The good thing is that I know this will pass. I will have an up-swing again, these feelings will go away, and I’ll deal with the problems of mania. At least my life stays interesting; it’s always something.

Waiting Is The Hardest Thing To Do

Waiting Is The Hardest Thing To Do

Right now, I’m waiting, and I’ve been waiting for days. I’m waiting for the results to my Clozapine level blood work. The results to this test will tell my doctor whether or not he wants to increase the dosage of my Clozapine. I’m currently at 200 mg every night. I did the blood work on Friday. My normal weekly blood work was completed on Friday, but the Clozapine level takes longer to come back. I just don’t know how long; I even tried to figure out how long it would take by researching it online, but I came up empty-handed. I told my psychiatrist that I’m in a depression. I informed him that I’m sleeping too much, I’m overeating, I feel worthless and empty, and I’m easily irritable. He told me to hang in there; we are waiting for the results of the Clozapine level. Once we have the results, then we can figure out our next step.

So now I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for my blood test results, I’m waiting to find out what change my psychiatrist wants to make, and I’m waiting to start feeling better. When you’re waiting for something, every moment seems to drag on and on. I’m just trying to get through this, one moment at a time, but how much longer do I have to wait? Even if my psychiatrist decides to add a new anti-depressant, we all know that it takes 4 to 6 weeks for the medication to start working, if it’s going to work at all. So that’s more waiting. No one should have to wait this long to feel better.

I’m compliant with anything I’m told to do by my doctors. However, I am getting sick and tired of it all. I wouldn’t mind the waiting, if I knew that there were going to be positive results. I also wouldn’t mind the waiting if I knew that the positive results that I was going to get would be more than just temporary. We all know that no medication to treat bipolar disorder is permanent. Every time we try a medication, our bodies react differently; we almost never react the same way twice. How a medication works varies depending on our current mental state, the medications we’re currently taking, and any treatments we’re currently undergoing.

I just wish there was an easy answer to treating bipolar depression and mania. There should be an answer, an easy way to help us, where we don’t have to spend most of our time waiting. My bipolar disorder is very gray, nothing is absolute, and everything is questionable. I wish my bipolar disorder was more black and white, I wish it had easier, faster, and more accurate answers.

Inside My Depression

Inside My Depression

I’m in it, inside the depression; it has taken my energy, my thoughts, and my will. I’m not myself, but I can’t even remember who I normally am. I can’t seem to get things done. It has been weeks since I’ve cleaned my house. Normally I clean the whole house once a week. I keep putting it on my to-do list, but I never seem to be able to get it done. Anything and everything is close to impossible. Every moment is a fight against myself, and it feels as if I’m losing.

I’ve done this many times before. It’s not my first depression, or my second, or third, and so on. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 14 years old. It’s been 17 years that I’ve been trying to manage my diagnosis. I just wish that I could find the peace and keep it just a little bit longer instead of going from one episode to another. I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve been depressed or manic. The most important part is that I get through it every time. No matter how deep the episode is, no matter how hopeless the depression gets, I’ve gotten through it before and I’ll get through it again.

I wish I could get through this quicker. I know this sounds weird, but a part of me wishes I was manic. Then I would at least have energy and be productive. I’m not thinking about the negative aspects of mania, I’m just thinking that I don’t want to feel the depression I’m in. Right now, I’m sleeping way to much (I keep falling asleep on the couch), I feel worthless, I feel empty, I’m overeating, I have a decreased interest in almost everything, and just about everything is irritating. I’m lucky that I haven’t started crying yet, hopefully it will stay that way; I hate it when I cry. When I say I want to be manic, it’s just because I don’t want to deal with this depression. I want what I currently don’t have. It would be best if I could just be even, not depressed or manic, but I don’t know if that’s reasonable.

I will get through today; I always do. I have a great support system. Everyone I know offers their help. My husband just asked me if he could do anything. I thanked him for offering, but there’s nothing he could do. I wish there was something that other people could do, but I can’t think of anything. Simply knowing that people close to me truly care is helpful. Just knowing that they are there to support me makes me feel a little better; right now, every little bit counts.

Insecure, Insignificant, and Worthless Feelings

Insecure, Insignificant, and Worthless Feelings

Going out, whether it’s for fun or to get things done, can be very difficult. I like to isolate, I prefer to be by myself. I’m also extremely hard on myself. Whenever I go out, I have to get dressed, and that is always a reminder of my weight gain. Due to my bipolar, my weight has fluctuated over the years. Right now, I’m gaining weight, which makes me feel bad about myself. Weight gain really messes with my self-confidence. When I stay home, I don’t have to worry about other people judging me; I only have to worry about my own judgments, which is hard enough.

Everyone judges themselves, especially women, but I take it too far and let my thoughts interfere with my activities. I wish it was something that I could fix. If I’m not self-conscious about my weight, then it’s something else. I’m always going to find some way to judge myself. All women struggle with confidence, but not everyone lets those fears and thoughts interfere with their lives. Actually, everyone struggles with confidence, it’s not just women.

I’m not so sure how to get past these insecurities and fears. I’m not sure if I can handle some of the activities that I’ve been asked to do. Not all of my insecurities are due to my weight. I’m also terrified to go to large public events. I have anxiety attacks when I feel trapped and when I’m surrounded by people. There’s something coming up that my husband wants me to go to, and it does sound like fun, as long as I’m going with him. My husband is like my security net, he makes me feel safe no matter where I am. However, we’re not sure if he can go to the event because of work. I tried to explain to him how difficult it would be for me to go without him or with anyone else, but I’m not sure if he understands. I know that he really just wants me to get out of the house more and do healthy things; however, there is a big difference between trying more things and pushing yourself too far.

I wonder all the time if I’ll ever have my old life back; the life where I enjoyed going out to public events and I could manage my life without too many problems. I just want to feel free again; instead, I feel trapped by my fears and insecurities. I’m not sure if I will have that freedom again, but I’m still trying. I feel as if I’m wearing masks to cover up my feelings of insecurity, insignificance, and worthlessness. I pretend to feel good about myself, even when I don’t. I may feel bad about myself, but at least I know that those thoughts are not really accurate. I know that I’m better that I believe myself to be, I just wish I could really believe in myself. Hopefully I will one day, but until then, pretending to be okay is better than nothing at all.