Yesterday was a very tough day for me. I spent the entire day waiting to find out if the sellers of the house we like are going to accept our offer or not. We spent the whole day waiting to hear and the day ended still without finding out any news. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can tell you for certain that I’m not good at waiting. Hopefully we will get an answer later today; and of course we’re hoping that it’s going to be a positive response.
Other than the anxiety and waiting, yesterday was a physically painful day. I was having a lot of pain, it was probably due to the increased stress. I was also working on my taxes, which is a stressful and time-consuming task.
This morning, I have another ECT treatment; I think that this is my 8th treatment in this series. After ECT, I will have the opportunity to rest, if I can, but I usually can’t. Then tomorrow evening, my granddaughter is supposed to be coming over and we can all go out to eat. My mom has not had the ability to meet her yet, so I’m really looking forward to this opportunity that they’ll have.
I’m hoping that tomorrow is going to be a better day than today. I just need to figure out how to relax a little more. Looking for houses is definitely exciting, but is not at all relaxing. It’s more worrisome than anything else. I’m lucky I have the love and support from my husband and my mom to get me through every moment. They could both look at me and tell (just my looking at me) that I was having a rough day. I tried to pretend I was okay, but the people who know me best could tell that I was having a difficult time.
Last night, I couldn’t get Cash to lay down. I could tell it was painful for him. Eventually, he laid down because he fell asleep and fell over. I’m waiting for the vet to return my phone call. Cash shouldn’t be this uncomfortable.
I slept out on the couch so I could be close to him in case he needed anything. Other than not being able to lay down, he’s doing great. Hopefully, the vet will give him some pain meds.
Today started off bad. I’m having problems with my Interstitial Cystitis, which is my bladder disorder. This is not the way I like to start off the day. IC causes pain, anxiety, and other problems. Oh well.
However, I will be going to visit a friend later today, so that makes my day better. It’s a friend I met from my old bipolar support group. It’s so great visiting with someone who understands exactly what I’m going through. I just have to get through each day one moment at a time.
I went to the gym with my husband today. We had a great workout. I’m proud of myself for not pushing too hard. I normally push past the pain, and then I end up regretting it later. I’ve had a lot of knee pain over the years. I had a double knee surgery to correct the misalignment of my knees in 2009. I know that I’m going to need another knee surgery at some point, but I don’t want that to be any time soon. So it’s important not to push myself too hard on certain exercises, such as weighted squats and lunges.
After our workout, we went to visit with my father-in-law. We don’t see him often enough. He’s so nice and easy to get along with. We’re going to see him tomorrow too. My husband’s birthday is on Wednesday, he’ll be 42. I told him it’s like turning 21, twice. We’ll see his mom on Wednesday; she wants to through a ‘party’ for him. I’m a bit apprehensive because I don’t know who will be there. I just found out that she invited some aunts, uncles, and cousins. I like everyone; that’s not the problem. It’s just difficult when there are that many people in one house. My husband even said that all he wanted was for me, his mom and her boyfriend, his brother, and his kids to get together; but that’s not what’s happening. Plus, we want to see our granddaughter. The more people who are there, the less time we get to spend with her.
No matter what the circumstances, it will all work out okay. It just means that I will probably end up taking a Valium before I get to the party. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just another thing that adds stress. But I’d rather have too much family than not enough of it. We’re lucky to have loving and caring family on both sides; his family and my family. Having family that cares and supports us is wonderful.
ECT went well today. I’ve done it more than 30 times; it’s become normal for me. When I woke up from anesthesia, I felt fine, no pain. By the time I got home, the pain set it, so I had to take a Percocet. I have a pounding headache and my jaw hurts terribly. I’m just waiting for the pain meds to kick in. I wish I could go to sleep, but for some reason, I can’t, I’m just not tired. If I could sleep, it would probably make me feel even a little bit better.
My memory is back to being crappy. I can’t remember where my husband is, although I know I knew his plans before the ECT treatment today. I looked in my calendar and saw that I recently went to visit my family in Connecticut, but I don’t remember any of it. I can’t remember my wedding, that one really bothers me. I went through my wedding album; it brought back some of the memories. That was helpful, but still not enough. I’ll probably watch my wedding video later today. I hate the memory loss. Every time it finally starts to improve, it’s time for another treatment that causes memory loss again. It’s a vicious cycle.
I don’t want to continue (I think I’ve mentioned that many times), but I just do what I’m told to do. One of these days, I’m going to stop being so compliant. I know that my being compliant regarding my psychiatric treatment is extremely helpful, but it’s also exhausting. I’m afraid that one day I’m just going to do what I want to do instead of what I’m told to do. Following my bipolar treatments is overwhelming. I’m going to rest today, or I’m going to clean the house and go play cards with my family. I know I should rest, but I doubt that will happen.
At 8:15am I had my 32nd ECT treatment (I miscounted before). I now do the treatments every 4 weeks; they’re maintenance treatments. They’re done under general anesthesia; the treatments only take a couple of minutes. I usually leave the hospital within 90 minutes of getting there. Normally, I get home and go to sleep for a little while. When I first started the treatments, I could go back to sleep for a couple of hours, but the amount of time I’m able to rest afterwards has been decreasing with every treatment. Today, I got home from my treatment and was unable to go back to sleep at all for the first time.
I’m not a fan of the recovery and after effects. My jaw hurts so bad that it hurts to chew anything and my entire body is muscle sore. It feels as if I just ran a marathon, or two days after a massive workout, when you have to brace yourself for every movement you make. My memory gets even worse than normal after the treatments; the memory issues last longer than the physical ones. The memory issues make me feel like an idiot. I’m constantly asking questions, and I usually ask the same questions over and over again.
I’ve been doing these treatments for so long now, I wonder if I will ever be able to stop them. My psychiatrist wants me to be stable for 6 months before stopping, and I just don’t see that happening. I could just tell him I want to try stopping the treatments, but then what happens if I end up in a huge depressive or manic episode? Then I would have to go back to doing the treatments 3 times a week. I don’t want to do that, and I’m not sure if my body can even handle that. I wonder what the long-term effects are of ECT; maybe that’s something I should look into.