My psychiatrist appointment yesterday went really well. First of all, I love the fact that he is always on time, he never runs late. The only medication change is an increase in Cytomel, my thyroid medication, because my thyroid level is off in my last blood work. Other than that, my suicidal ideations are about the same, my anxiety is worse, and my depression is improving slightly. He also said that my twitching that happens because of the Lithium should not be getting any worse and is not a permanent side effect. That’s not that bad. I go back to see him in three months, unless I decide to retry ECT, which is not something I want to do at this point.
Somewhere In The Middle?
Individuals with bipolar disorder can have either manic, depressed, or mixed episodes. I’m used to those; I’ve had each of those episodes many times. Right now, I feel like I’m somewhere in the middle of everything. I think I’m closer to depression at this time. My usual depressions include an inability to complete tasks such as cooking and cleaning, I sleep a lot, and I also fail to have good hygiene. I’m still having the suicidal ideations that go along with the depression and the lack of desire for almost anything, but none of the symptoms that I just listed. I’m not happy, but am I depressed? I know I don’t feel good, but I do feel better today than the last few days. Maybe it’s just going to pass by.
So where does that put me? I don’t think it’s a mixed episode, I’ve had plenty of those and none of them were like this. Maybe this is just me trying to get out of the depression I’ve been struggling in for about six months. I suppose I’ll find out on Wednesday when I go to see my psychiatrist.
Out of Control Thinking
Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.
I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.
My psychiatrist mailed me two months worth of prescriptions. These scripts, for Clozapine, will get me from my 200mg dose up to my target 400mg dose. Each script is for one week worth of medications (because I still have to do the weekly blood work). He sent me everything that I would need to get through the next two months. The scripts are pre-dated, so I can’t fill them until Wednesday of each week.
I will be starting the increase soon, either Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I’m a little concerned about the possible side effects, but I mostly think it will all work out.I’m increasing my dose slowly to hopefully avoid side effects. I guess only time will tell.
I can still contact my psychiatrist any time I need, but hopefully everything with the dosage increase will go smoothly and I won’t have to. My next appointment with him is on August 25th. Until then, I can contact him via email or text if necessary. He will still get my weekly blood work results. If he sees a problem with my blood tests, then he will contact me.
Late tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I’m really nervous about this appointment. He is going to go over my Clozapine blood level with me and change my dose. I’ not really worried about that, but I have just decided that I don’t want to do ECT anymore. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but I finally made my decision (I think). Right now I’m going every four weeks. So at the very least, I could just start by taking an extra month off and seeing how that goes. If it’s a disaster, then I can think about going back on it.
I wrote down on paper what I want to say to him because I don’t normally stand up for my opinions.I don’t like any type of disagreements. Since I wrote it down, then I know I will be able to say exactly what I want to say. I’m going to tell him, ‘I am no longer willing to do ETC treatments. The stress on my body, the memory loss, and the loss of words in conversations is too much for me. It has been this way for a while. I tried putting it off, but I can’t wait any longer. I’m not willing to do the Ketamine treatments at this time.’ Hopefully I can stick by what I say. There’s a better chance of that happening since I wrote down what to say.’ I’ll let you all know how it goes.
Problems Sleeping, Still
My sleep has been screwed up for the past 2 weeks. Some nights I only sleep 3 – 5 hours and others its 5 – 6 hours if I’m lucky. Only 1 night did I sleep less than 2 hours. I try to nap during the day, but it never works. I seem to be getting more done at night when I’m unable to sleep than I do during the day. I like things to be organized. Anything that can be organized alphabetically, is, including my filing cabinets, all my spices, and the apps on my phone. I also organize my spices by size and brand. Maybe that’s a bit excessive, but it makes me feel good to be organized. Being productive is something that helps me feel better, which is why I keep trying to get things done. If I can’t sleep, I think it’s better to be productive than just sit on the couch watching TV or waiting for the morning to come.
The only issue is that I feel that I need to stay quiet so I don’t wake my husband. Luckily he has ear plugs that he wears, but I’m still cautious. Just because I can’t sleep doesn’t mean he shouldn’t sleep either. I haven’t cleaned my house in 6 days. So if I can’t sleep again tonight, then I know what I’ll be doing. I’ll dust every surface, clean the kitchen, clean the bathrooms, and anything else I can find to do, I’ll just do it as quietly as possible.
I start a new medication tonight, the Clozapine that I’ve been talking about, and I’m so nervous. I keep pretending I’m okay, but I’m not, I’m a wreck inside. I’m trying to think of the positives. The first thing that comes to my mind is that one side effect is drowsiness. Normally that would be a negative aspect, but since I’m not sleeping much, the drowsiness side effect could actually work in my favor. If I end up being tired and actually sleeping, I will just have to clean the house tomorrow.
My psychiatrist is fantastic. He asked me to check in with him every day to make sure that there are no problems. It’s nice to know that he will be available every day just in case I have an issue. It’s time to take my meds; I’m anxious, but I’m ready to find out how well it goes.