Standing By My Decision – I Actually Did It!

I was very nervous about my psych appointment yesterday; I was so nervous that I even had an anxiety attack. I’m not used to telling anyone what I want, especially when it’s different from others want. Standing up for my own desires is nerve-wracking for me. I prepared for my psych appointment yesterday by writing down exactly what I wanted to say. I told my psychiatrist that I wanted to stop ECT because it has become too hard on my body and my mind. I’ve been doing ECT for close to a year and a half, and I just can’t take it anymore. I explained my reasons and to my surprise, he was okay with my choice. He explained that he respects my choice; I couldn’t ask for more than that. I’m very happy with the outcome of that appointment.

He gave me several options about what we could do moving forward. He told me I probably wouldn’t like a couple of the options, but he was going to mention them anyway. I’m glad he did mention them (without any pressure). It was nice to see all of my options at once, even though I didn’t like most of them. Together, we decided to slowly increase my Clozapine up to 400mg a night. We will increase the dose by 25mg each week until we reach our target goal of 400mg. We are increasing slowly to hopefully avoid some negative side effects such as dizziness, fevers, and drowsiness. It will take two months to reach our goal. I will see him in three months. This gives me time to get to the target dose and then allow my body to adjust to the dose for a while. I’m really hoping that this change will help. The Clozapine has helped quite a bit so far, I have a feeling that it will continue to help.

My husband pointed out to me that this is the first time that I made my own decision regarding my mental health, and stuck by it. He was proud of me. To be honest, I’m proud of myself. I know it sounds a little ridiculous to be so happy about this decision, but it’s a huge step for me.