IV Ketamine

I started IV Ketamine this past November. I’m doing the treatment every week (for now). I’m hoping to be able to change that to once every three weeks fairly soon. I was resistant to trying IV Ketamine for a while. Then, my depression got extremely bad, and none of my meds or treatments were helping, so I finally decided to give IV Ketamine a try. It works so well, I wish I tried it a while ago.

The IV Ketamine is working very well for me. It’s the reason that I can finally stop the ECT treatments. I’ve actually already started to wean off of ECT, thank goodness.

I’m Back…

I’m back… I disappeared from my blog for more than 2 months. My last post was on November 4th. I said that I needed break, and apparently I took one. My depression has been rough for quite some time, but luckily it has gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate to have family and friends that are understanding, supportive, and honest with me. I’m trying to take everything just one day at a time.

I’m a bit out of it right now because of the ECT treatment I had this morning. I will get to stop ECT fairly soon. In December, we decided to slowly stop the ECT treatments because I finally started IV Ketamine (which is working very well!). I will write about that soon, hopefully sometime this week. I’m trying now to wear myself too thin.

Handling Memory Loss

Memory loss is a side effect I’ve been experiencing from ECT. I have been on 2 medications to help with memory loss for several months now. When I saw my psychiatrist, I told him that my memory is not improving or stabilizing; at least not from what I can remember. He told me that for his patients that have been on these medications successfully definitely noticed a change. If I wasn’t sure if the meds were helping or not, then they most likely weren’t helpful. So, I’m tapering off of Donepezil and I should be off it completely in under two weeks.

I wonder if there’s anything that can help my memory. If the medications I’ve been trying aren’t helping, what’s the next step? I already write everything down and even record certain things when need be. However, ECT continues to screw with my memory. It appears as if my memory will just continue getting worse because I’m doing ECT once every two weeks.

I wish I could stop ECT. It feels as if my mind and body can’t take much more of it. However, I know that if I stop now, with nothing to replace it, then I’ll slip further into my depression. So instead, I continue to go along with what my psychiatrist wants me to do, as long as he explains the reasons why he wants me to do each specific treatment.

Dystonia and Depression

I had another ECT treatment today. It feels like I’m going to have to do this forever. I stopped doing it at one time, and my depression just worsened quickly. Then I had to restart everything. When I restarted, I had to do 2 treatments a week for 4 weeks (at least that’s better then 3 times a week), then once a week for 6 weeks, and since then I’ve been going once every other week. I’m not so sure how well it’s working right now. My depression pretty deep, and my suicidal ideations are almost constant. Even when I try to ignore them or think positively, those thoughts are still there. Even though it doesn’t feel like ECT and all of my meds are working, I know that if I stopped either one of them, either my depression would plummet horribly or I’d go into a major manic episode.

Over this past week, especially the past couple days, my dystonia has gotten a lot worse. I brought it up to my psychiatrist this morning before ECT. He asked me several questions that I answered, but he never gave me a solution. My husband reminded me to email him about it, which I did as soon as I got home. He asked me for a list of all my medications, prescription and OTC, which I gave him right away. Now I’m just waiting for him to call something into the pharmacy for me. Hopefully, whatever he prescribes will help this go away. I can’t stand it much longer.

Overwhelmed Since I’ve Returned Home

I have been home for five days now, and I still haven’t gone grocery shopping or done laundry. I plan on doing that stuff every day, but for some good reasons, they keep getting pushed to the next day. Yesterday, my husband and I spent the entire day with his mother getting a second opinion on her cancer. We are very grateful that we went there. The Mayo Clinic was wonderful.

Today, we’re having someone come and spray in and outdoors. I think we’re having it done 4 times a year, just to be safe. I keep finding crickets around the house, so I know it’s necessary.

I have to get my monthly Clozapine blood work done soon. I have enough meds to get me through for another 9 days. Instead of pushing myself way too hard, I will make an appointment for Monday and allow myself to catch up on everything else that I missed while I was away.

Which Medications Are Working?

I wonder how much my medications are working. I take 11 meds plus I do ECT once every two weeks. This does not include the medication I take for my physical health. I take so many meds, it’s hard to tell which ones are working and which ones need an adjustment. I feel like something needs to be adjusted, I just don’t know what. My medications are as follows:

Clozapine 100mg – 4 pills at bedtime
Cogentin 1mg – ½ pill in the am, 1 pill in the pm
Cytomel 50 mcg – 1 ½ pills in the am
Donepezil 10mg – 1 pill at bedtime
Inositol 500mg – 1 pill daily
Lithium ER 450mg – 1 pill 2 times a day
L-Methylfolate 15mg – 1 pill in the am
Memantine 10mg – 1 pill 2 times a day
Metformin 500mg – 1 pill in the am, 2 pills at bedtime
Mirapex 1mg – 1 pill 3 times a day
Tegretol ER 200mg – 1 pill in the am, 2 pills in the pm

Difficulties At ECT Today

I had another ECT treatment today. I restarted ECT in February of this year, and since then I think I’ve had 20 treatments. That does not include the first time I did ECT, which was in 2015. While the treatment does help me, it also destroys my memory.

Today’s treatment left me in quite a bit of pain. My husband says it’s always like that, but I can never remember (which is probably a good thing). The anesthesiologist had a hard time getting my IV in. He put it in my wrist, which does not feel good, but he had some problems and it ended up bleeding all over the place. He finally got it in my arm, which did not hurt. I hope he won’t continue to put the IV in my wrist after today’s mess.

My wrist continues to hurt from him digging around trying to find a vein. There’s a big bump there, hopefully that will go away soon. I only have one more ECT treatment before I go on vacation with my mom. It’s nice to have something to look forward to.

I Don’t Know How I Feel

I’m curious if others experience this same issue. When someone asks me how I’m doing, or what’s wrong, I don’t know how to answer them. I know I don’t feel right, but I have no clue what’s wrong. I’m not sure if this is a normal for others that have bipolar disorder. Maybe this is a result of the ECT.

Does anyone else have this same issue? If so, how do you deal with it?

Questions and Answered About My Life with Bipolar

These questions are from Therapy Bits: Who asked to hear my experiences with bipolar symptoms, how I manage them, and how they effect my life.

I don’t remember most of my experiences due to the side effects of ECT. The biggest, most memorable experience was in 2009. My doctor tried taking me off my medication slowly, because he thought that it was possible that my mental health issues could have been caused by my drinking and using (I’m now sober 13 years). We found out the hard way that I really do have bipolar disorder.

I went into a major manic episode. It was so bad that I couldn’t work. I worked for home for a while, but even that got to be too much for me to handle. I was unable to handle my life due to my manic and then my depressive episodes. I moved in with my mom because I couldn’t manage my own life and I needed someone close to me to do that for me. I’m lucky that I had someone in my life that was willing to help me out.

My bipolar disorder turned my entire life upside-down. I’ve been on disability since 2009, and I can’t seem to get things back together. I continue to go through episodes and I have to deal with the side effects from the treatments I use. This biggest side effect is memory loss and confusion, which are from ECT. I have both short-term and long-term memory loss. I tried stopping the ECT treatments after I had been doing them for quite a while, however, once I stopped the treatments, my depressive episode came right back. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to stop ECT again; I’m too worried that I’ll end up going back into another manic or depressive episode.

I’ve been dealing with my bipolar disorder since I was 13 or 14 years old, and I know that it is something that I’ll be dealing with for the rest of my life. Going to a psychiatrist, a therapist, and taking medications is second nature for me. I actually take 13 different psych meds, which is a lot to manage. At this point, I go to ECT once every 2 weeks. I used to go to a bipolar support group once a week, but I stopped going a while ago. I still talk to and see some of my friends from that group, which really helps. This blog has also helped me manage my bipolar symptoms.

Questions Answered About My Bipolar Episodes and Treatment

These questions are from bipolarsojourner

What are my successes and frustrations with ECT?
When I first started ECT, I did it for a while, probably about a year. I don’t remember it at all. But I decided to stop because I wasn’t sure if it was working or not. So I stopped for a while, about 6 months maybe. Then when I started back up I knew for certain that it was helping because it helped bring me out of a big depression. I now do ECT once every other week. It destroys my memory, but it helps my depression. I’m hoping that I can soon switch to doing a treatment once every four weeks. I honestly don’t remember much of anything. It even messes up my memories from before I started ECT, when I was a little kid. They said that is very unlikely, but it happened to me.

How does your husband support you? Is it effective?
My husband is very supportive. He was my best friend and knew all about my bipolar disorder before we started dating. He helps me recognize when I’m in an episode and helps me remember to take my medication. He’s very understanding when I’m not feeling up to doing something. For example, I had a hard time when our dog died this past April. He was ready to get a new dog before I was. He didn’t push me to get another dog, he let me wait until I was ready. My husband makes me feel safe and comfortable being myself, it is extremely effective.

What is your depression and mania like? Do you have benefits from your bipolar?
During my depressions, I always end up eating excessively and gaining weight. I tend to sleep a lot, I lose interest and often don’t care about things that I normally care about. I get angry easily and often feel worthless and suicidal. During my manic episodes, I generally go many days at a time without sleeping (my insomnia get really bad). I usually have racing thoughts, I get all jittery, I don’t make any sense, and I talk really fast (so much so that it sounds like I’m using drugs again, but I’m not). I also get suicidal during manic episodes. I used to self-harm during both depressive and main episodes, but it’s been many years since I’ve done that (although, to be honest, I think about it a lot). I prefer to be manic than depressed. At least when I’m manic I can get things done and I have the energy to workout. I can lose weight when I’m manic a lot easier, but when I’m depressed, I almost always gain weight.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: ECT