How To Find Middle Ground

I often feel guilty about other people’s emotions and situations for no reason. I’m trying very hard not to feel guilty about something unless there is a reason. My husband came home in a bad mood last night and I really didn’t want to feel responsible for his emotions when I know I’m not. I don’t know how to do that, so I just stayed quiet and kept to myself. I do that with anyone, not just my husband. When people are upset, I either take on their emotions or I get completely quiet.

I tend to go from one extreme to the other. I know that there’s a middle ground between feeling guilty and not talking at all. I have no clue how to find that balance or how long it will take for me to find it.

Nightmare

Apparently, I was having some pretty bad nightmares last night. My husband woke me up to see if I was okay because I was tossing, turning, and screaming. I have no recollection of the nightmare I had. I decided to get up and go sleep on the couch. I was worried that the yelling would happen again and keep my husband awake. Since I don’t mind the couch, I figured that would be the perfect solution, and it was.

I don’t remember my dreams or nightmares very often. I know that I have them, I just can’t remember any of the details. I used to remember my dreams and nightmares, but that hasn’t happened for several months. I wonder if that’s due to a side effect of a medication.

I Worked Out!

Yesterday, I said that since I didn’t have much to do, I would possibly do some Zumba and/or clean the house. I didn’t do all of these things, but I did do one of them. I did a Zumba workout video! That was probably the best thing that I could have done for myself. I need to get back into a routine of working out regularly. It felt great when I finished the video, but after it was done, I had no energy left to clean the house (the house was already pretty clean anyway). I also contacted a few family members that I don’t talk to all of the time. It was nice to chat with them. I can’t wait see all of them when I go home at the end of this month.

The Benefits Of Pets

Pets can be extremely beneficial for all individuals, especially for those that suffer from mental health disorders. For me, my dog, Cash, helps me get up and moving. Even when I don’t want to do anything, I know I have to get up to feed Cash and let him outside. It also helps me because it gives me a reason to go out for a walk.

Cash also helps reduce my anxiety and paranoia. When I hear noises, such as a knock on the door or kids yelling outside, I know that it’s not real if my dog doesn’t react to the noises. I have auditory hallucinations quite often, and Cash helps me determine the difference between what is real and what is a hallucination. I also never feel lonely because Cash is always there to keep me company. I talk to him all throughout the day. He’s one of my closest friends.

I think it’s important for me to have a pet for these reasons and more. I’ve thought about getting an emotional support dog, that way I could have my dog and the support he brings to me everywhere I go. Some people have told me to just get a vest for Cash that says he’s an emotional support animal, but I won’t do that because it’s wrong and lying. Does anyone have a real support animal? How was the process of getting a support animal? Was it expensive?

Adult Coloring Books

Earlier this year, my mom gave me the coolest gift, an adult coloring book. She thought it would help with my anxiety, and she was right. She knows how perfect I like everything to look and she thought that this would be the perfect way for me to do that. Coloring allows me focus on one thing and gives my mind a break. I love it! I haven’t been able to color in a several months due to an injured arm/wrist, but I can do it again.

When I’m coloring, I lose track of time. Nothing else seems to matter. The only thing that I’m thinking of and concentrating on is the coloring. I plan on doing more coloring. It works just as good as Valium. When I’m home and having an anxiety attack, I will color. I will only use Valium when I’m not home and not able to color.

Not Much To Do

I don’t have a lot to do today. My to-do list is very short, just a couple of activities and that’s all. I don’t like having a short to-do list, it makes me feel lazy. Maybe I should clean the house as well. Maybe I could do a Zumba workout. Both of those things sound good to me and would take about 5 hours to complete. It would also make my to-do list a lot longer. When I clean, I write each individual task on my list. It makes me feel more productive.

I could also work on choosing a new Medicare plan, but that is every confusing. I probably need help with that over the phone or in person, which doesn’t work well for Sundays. I will do all the research I can and write down all of my questions so I’m prepared when I talk to someone who can help me.

I Can’t Make Up My Mind

My thoughts are racing. Thoughts go through my mind, in and out, so quickly that none of them are full ideas. My racing thoughts are making it extremely difficult for me to focus on any one important idea. For example, I’m trying to figure out what health insurance would fit me best, but my mind can’t focus on anything, especially things that are that important.

It’s difficult when you can’t make up your mind. My husband asks me questions, simple questions, that I don’t know the answer to. My husband can’t understand why I can’t figure out what I want. Most people can’t understand why I can’t make decisions; even I can’t figure it out. Is it just because my thoughts are racing, is it because I’m over-tired, is it due to my anxiety? If I could figure out why I can’t make decisions, then maybe I could start learning to make up my mind.

Being Disabled

Being on disability is not easy. I’m on it because of my bipolar disorder, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder. As most of you know, dealing with the effects of these mental health disorders is difficult and exhausting. I have so many doctor appointments to manage. Going anywhere new is extremely difficult for me. In fact, my husband has to come with me whenever I go somewhere for the first time because I’ll have a panic attack. I don’t do well dealing with new people, specifically physical contact, I think that is from the PTSD. My social life is small because it’s difficult for me to meet and connect with people. I also struggle to keep in contact with the friends I already have because of the depression.

I wish I could contribute more to our financial status, instead I contribute in other ways. I keep myself busy managing my life and my husband’s life. I don’t know if my bipolar disorder will ever be stable again. It hasn’t been stable since 2009. I don’t know what my future holds, but it doesn’t appear to be a mentally stable state.

Addictions

The other day I spoke about Dual Diagnosis. Just because I’m 12 years sober, doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle with addiction. I no longer crave drugs or alcohol, but I still have addictions. Generally, anything that I do, I do it to the extreme. That can include cooking, cleaning, and eating. Those things may sound weird, but I still over-do all of them. Also, when times are difficult, those are the things I turn to. I also quit smoking cigarettes a couple of years ago, which was extremely difficult.

When times are tough, everyone turns to something for relief. My problem is that whatever it is that I turn to, over-do. Does anyone want to share the addictions they struggle with? It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I feel that talking about my addictions helps me feel better.

All Finished… Now What

I’ve finished everything that was on my to-do list for today. I finished early and I don’t really know what to do with myself. I’m hungry of course. It’s not because I’m actually hungry, it’s because I don’t have much to do. I still have things that need to get done, it’s just not necessary to do them today. These things involve too much thinking, and I’m not mentally up to all of that.

The better plan is to stretch out, which will help my body feel a little better. Right now, my muscles hurt while I’m sitting still. Maybe I should take the dog for a walk later this evening. I need to start working out again with Zumba, that and walking the dog usually helps me feel better physically.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: November 2016