Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 13

I’m almost at the 2 week mark, which is where it all fell apart for me last time. However, this time, I’m doing so much better. I woke up this morning with no side effects; I’m feeling better and better every day. It’s amazing that I feel okay. No muscle soreness, no chest or throat pressure, no dizziness, no unsteadiness, and no fever. I am gaining weight, which can be a side effect of Clozapine. However, I was already gaining weight before I started it, so I don’t think that the weight gain has anything to do with the medication. I did get tired yesterday after running a couple errands and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes total.

I stayed at 100mg again last night. I’m waiting for my blood work results to come in so I can get my next prescription. My psychiatrist wants me to have my blood pressure and pulse taken the next time I’m at the pharmacy. I will do my best to remember that when I’m there.

Inappropriate Phlebotomist: Difficult Blood Work Visit

I had quite an interesting visit to the lab today to get my weekly blood work done. I went to the same lab I normally go to, and as usual, I ended up with a new phlebotomist. I signed in for my appointment 10 minutes early and then sat down in the waiting room. Within a couple of minutes, a woman yells my name and says, “Come back and go to room 5”. Normally, they come into the waiting room to call your name and walk back to the desired room with you; I was already off to an odd start. I sat down and she entered the room moments later. I told her that they normally use my right arm.

She looks at me and asks if I’m okay. I said I was very tired, that it’s a side effect of the new medication I’m on, the med that is causing me to have my blood work done every week. Then the odd and inappropriate questions and comments began. She asked what medication I was on that required weekly blood work; I told her it was Clozapine. She asked why I decided to go on this medication; I reluctantly told her I’ve been dealing with suicidal ideations for 5 or 6 months. I didn’t want to answer her questions, but I have a hard time saying “no” to people. She asked if I see a therapist; I said I see both a therapist and psychiatrist; I informed her that I’ve been dealing with this since I was 14. She asked what I was being treated for; I told her I’m diagnosed with bipolar 1 and PTSD. Then she asked why I was diagnosed with PTSD. None of this is any of her business, but I was so uncomfortable and struggle to tell people to back off, so I hesitantly told her it was from a bad relationship.

Then she started to tell me that her husband was schizophrenic and he took medication too, as if that’s supposed to mean something to me and make it okay for her to ask me these questions. At this point, she began telling me what I should do to help my disorders, as if I don’t try to help myself and I don’t know what’s good or bad for me. She told me I should start doing some kickboxing or martial arts, which would help to empower me so I felt better. I told her I would think about it, but she kept telling me that I should do it. I explained that I had a double knee surgery and I have to take things easy, and she told me I was using that as an excuse. She asked if I used meditation; I told her it was something I was working on. Her next question was if I took time journal at all. I told her that I just started a blog and I found it extremely helpful. She responded by telling me that I should write everything out by hand, that typing doesn’t have the same effect. I told her that it works for me, but she kept telling me what I should do.

I called my mom as soon as this appointment was over and told her all about it. I don’t always know what’s appropriate and I needed to make sure I wasn’t overreacting. I wasn’t sure if being offended was necessary, I don’t trust my emotions lately. My mom reaffirmed my emotions. She told me that it was okay to be upset; this woman should not have asked me these questions. My mom told me I was “should on”. She made me laugh and loosen up a little bit. Since I struggle so much with saying no, my mom helped me find the appropriate words in case it happens again. I can say, “I’m not comfortable with this conversation. Can we please stop talking?” She also told me that I could talk to a supervisor if I wanted or I could simply ask for another phlebotomist. Talking to my mom validated the emotions I had about my experience. While I decided I don’t want to do anything about it unless it happens again, my mom helped me feel more comfortable with what I could say if I decide to talk to a supervisor about it. After having a short conversation with my mom, I felt as if I could take control next time; I could decide what I’m comfortable saying. I’m no longer nervous about my next appointment. I always feel more comfortable after talking with my mom.

What Caused My Bipolar Disorder?

No one really knows what causes bipolar disorder, but there are several known possibilities. Some of the circumstances include genetic inheritance, brain chemistry, life events, substance abuse, and childhood trauma. I’ve always wondered what caused my bipolar disorder and if it was it something that could have been avoided. In my case, and in most cases, there are multiple situations that cause bipolar disorder. For me, I think that all of the known possible causes had something to do with the reasons for my bipolar disorder.

Genetic inheritance definitely had a part in my bipolar disorder. My father had a brother and a sister that both had some form of mental health disorder. I don’t know what the diagnosis was, if any, but I do know that they used to and still do struggle with mental health. There is also at least one person on my mother’s side that deals with depression. Having family members that deals with mental health makes it more likely that I would have some form of mental illness because it’s something that could have been inherited.

Individuals with bipolar disorder also often have different brain chemistry than those without bipolar disorder; their brains often work differently allowing them to be predisposed to both manic and depressive episodes. The brain structure of those with bipolar disorder is different from those without bipolar. This may help doctors diagnose and treat bipolar in the future.

Certain life events can also be a cause of bipolar disorder because of the stress that they cause. I had a fantastic childhood with loving parents. I felt loved every moment of every day. The only life event that could have had an effect was the diagnosis of my father’s cancer when I was 12 years old and his death when I was 18 years old. It was very hard for me; my father was my best friend. Stressful life events can cause manic or depressive episodes; they can also influence kids, such as myself, to turn to drugs or alcohol.

Substance abuse most likely played a huge part in my mental health diagnosis. I did anything and everything that was available; all I wanted to do was forget how I was feeling. I used drugs and alcohol to the extreme from the ages of 12 to 19, when I got sober. Gratefully, I’m now coming up on 12 years sober, which probably makes a big difference in the treatment of my bipolar disorder.

Childhood trauma is also a factor for many. The traumatic events I experienced were in my teenage years. I lost my father at age 18. I was also in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship from the age of 17 to 18. That year and a half was difficult for me; it has also made the rest of my life exceptionally difficult. I still have many fears and am hesitant to do a lot of things because of events that occurred during that relationship.

Over the years, I wondered what happened; how could such a happy childhood turn into such a difficult life. I had a wonderful childhood; I was pretty popular in school, I had a great relationship with my entire family, and we were lucky enough to have more than necessary. I used to wonder if maybe I did something differently in my life, then I wouldn’t have ended up with this diagnosis. I used to think that it was my fault, that I was to blame for my mental health problems. However, after writing this post, I realized that I experienced most of the possible circumstance that could cause mental illness. It wouldn’t have mattered what I did, I was bound to end up diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s no one’s fault. No one is responsible for their mental health diagnoses. What we are responsible for is helping ourselves get better over time. We can take control of our disorders; it’s not easy, but it is possible.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 12

My dose stayed at 100mg again last night. My sleep keeps improving. Last night, I fell asleep easily and slept about 6 hours without waking up. When I woke up, I was tired, but had no other symptoms. I guess my body is getting used to the medication.

Yesterday, after taking a showing and getting dressed, I had to rest for couple hours before running errands. I seem to get tired very easily. After resting, I ran some simple errands. I came home from that and ended up crashing on the couch. I napped for about two hours; however, I could only sleep 5 or 10 minutes at a time. It appears that I get exhausted very easily after any physical exertion.

How Much Longer…?

Do you ever wonder if you can make it? Even if it’s just for one more day, can you handle life that much longer? It seems that no matter what you do, everything is working against you. If you’re anything like me, it’s a daily burden that you have to deal with. I’m constantly asking myself, ‘Am I okay? What if…?’ Sometimes, when I’m able to think positively, instead of asking myself, I tell myself, ‘ I’m okay. Everything is good.’ I say these things even when I know they’re not true; I guess I say them hoping to convince myself that they are true.

I constantly worry about pretty much any situation you could think of. I’ve had some people tell me, ‘Don’t worry, just relax’, and honestly, that makes me want to punch them in the face. Do they really think I would choose to live like this? Would I honestly decide to have anxiety attacks every day and almost never feel safe or secure? Nobody chooses this life; it’s not enjoyable or manageable. Living without control over your own moods is torture. These types of symptoms, the constant anxiety, not feeling safe, and questioning if life is worth it, tear apart a person’s life piece by piece. My support system is the reason I keep going, but it’s not easy. I just want to give up most days, but for some reason, I don’t, I never give up.

I compliment those individuals who are able to live with these symptoms and the other bipolar and/or PTSD symptoms and continue living their lives entirely. Individuals that can go to work, take care of their families, maintain a home, and manage their symptoms are impressive; I admire these people. That used to be me. I had a full-time job, a full-time social life, and I maintained my own home. I miss being able to do that. I’ve been on disability since 2009, and I wonder every day if I’ll ever have that type of life back. Even my therapist is unsure if that will happen; he said so himself. He says that I’m working on learning to deal with these issues better.

I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way; I feel lost enough already, I don’t want to be lost and alone. Although at the same time, I really don’t want anyone, even someone I don’t like, to experience these situations and emotions. All I can do is to stay positive, even if it’s fake, I just think positively. I pretend that things will be okay; if you think something enough, eventually it could come true.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 11

Yesterday, I thought that it was going to be a great day because I felt pretty good when I woke up. However, I think I did too much. I ran some errands and went to visit a friend. When I got home, I crashed on the couch for about 2 hours, but I could only sleep about 10 minutes at a time. I didn’t expect to have this much exhaustion. I need to learn to only do a little at a time and allow myself to rest in between activities.

I stayed at the 100mg dose last night, but my psychiatrist also had me go off my Seroquel completely. I ended up sleeping pretty well, probably about 6 hours. I was worried I wouldn’t sleep because of my naps, but that wasn’t a problem. I did wake up with a lot of muscle soreness, but it was gone only an hour later. I was also unsteady on my feet, but that also went away quickly. I have no chest or throat pressure today. Right now, I feel pretty good. I have a lot to do today, and I’m going to do it one step at time, making sure I get to rest in between.

Finding Things To Enjoy

I’ve been told many times that finding something I enjoy doing will make me feel better and help me enjoy life again. However, I could never think of something I liked doing. One day, someone had me go over my daily activities to see what my interests were. It was at that moment that I realized I was already doing the things I enjoyed; I just wasn’t doing them for me. I found out that I already liked gift giving, cooking, cleaning, playing the piano, and working out. All I had to do now was start doing these things for myself.

It’s not easy to do any of these tasks, but I try to work my way up by doing the least physical activity first, which is gift giving. Cooking is also great; plus, I’m pretty good at it. When others enjoy the food that I cook, that’s just a bonus. I stopped cooking for other people, and I started to cook because I wanted to. Cleaning requires a lot of physical activity. I don’t necessarily like the actual cleaning part, but I love the end result. It’s important that I clean because I want to, not because I have to. Playing the piano brings back a lot of memories, especially of my father. Playing is an activity that helps me remember how lucky I was and still am. I recently started doing Zumba videos at home. I find it to be fun and energetic; it’s hard to do when you’re depressed because it takes so much physical energy, which is why it’s important to workout on a regular basis.

These 5 activities are things I already do in my daily life that I just need to start doing on a regular basis. They are healthy activities that help me and others; I already like doing them and I’m even good at these things. It’s vital to find and do things that we enjoy to help fight our bipolar disorder. Other people had to point these things out to me, and I had to be open to hearing what they had to say. Once I started doing these things for me instead of for others, I began to feel better about myself and even enjoy some of the days. For me, that is a huge improvement.

My therapist keeps telling me I give too much of myself. That I need to learn to do things that I want to do. So these are the things that I came up with; however, if someone asks me to do something, I almost always say yes. My therapist wants me to start learning to say no to people; I really don’t think that’s something I can do. I told him that I will work on one thing at a time; that’s all I can handle. Right now, I’m working on doing these activities for myself. That should be enough.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 10

Today, I feel the best that I have felt since I started taking this new medication. Last night I took 100mg again and my Seroquel is also down to 100mg. I woke up in the middle of the night, but only because the dog started barking continuously at some random loud noise, but he was doing his job. So I decided to sleep out on the couch in case it happened again, that way I could calm him down quicker. Other than waking up because of his barking, I slept through the night from about 2:00am until 8:00am. Every day, my sleep is improving. I was pretty unsteady on my feet in the middle of the night and when I first woke up, but that went away within 30 minutes of waking up. The pressure in my chest and throat has almost disappeared. My temperature is still doing well at 98.1. I haven’t been experiencing any other side effects today.

I am ecstatic that I’m doing so well. The first time I tried Clozapine last year, I had such a difficult time with it. My biggest issues were dizziness and sedation. I’m doing really well with those issues. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I really think that it might work this time.

Bipolar Extremes: Finding Balance

I tend to be quite the extremist when it comes to my mood swings. I either have so much energy that I can’t stop cleaning or I can barely get off the couch to get anything done. I will admit that I somewhat enjoy the first few days of my manic episodes. I love the fact that I can get so much done; my house looks beautiful, dinner is always ready for my husband, I find it easier to run errands, I call my family and friends to catch up, I need less sleep, and some things are less anxiety provoking than usual. I love all of that; if only it would stay that way, but it never does. I run out of things to do, I start pacing and shaking, I make random and inappropriate phone calls, and I spend money more freely than I usually would; these are just a few examples of my bipolar mania. Often, when I’m manic, I still feel pathetic, worthless, and insignificant, as well as deal with suicidal ideations. I think that some of these episodes are considered mixed episodes because of how badly I feel about myself; mania generally has feelings of elation.

As my manic episodes come to an end, I tend to crash hard. All of the sudden, I’m sleeping way more than I need, I have a hard time getting out of bed or getting up to do just about anything, and my feelings of worthlessness and uselessness grow even deeper along with my suicidal ideations. I never get a break from feeling horrible about myself, no matter what type of episode I’m in. While I like the productivity aspect of the mania, there is not one part of the depression that I enjoy. I wish there was a way that I could feel okay and still be productive, but I haven’t found one yet.

What I really want is to find some middle ground somewhere. I must have experienced it at some point during my life, but right now, I can’t remember any moment like that. Maybe it’s just because of my memory loss from ECT. I know that I have come out of a few major episodes before, but no matter how balanced I seem, there is always something going on in my head telling me how pathetic I am. I just have to trust that I have had balanced times in my life. This is where positive thinking comes into play. It’s not easy to be positive, but there are several techniques that I use to help me through these difficult times. None of these techniques are easy to do, but they are vital to our health.

Use these techniques to get past the bipolar extremes and find peace and balance in our lives:

Remember there is always hope; believe in that hope. If you can’t, having someone else believe for you can help. When I can’t, my husband and mother believe for me.
Reach out to your loved ones and caregivers.
Find a support group that you’re comfortable with.
Be 100% honest with your psychiatrist, otherwise they can’t help you.
Take your medication as directed, otherwise it won’t work properly.
Write down the different methods that help you feel better and worse so you know what to do and not to do in the future.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 9

Last night, I increased my Clozapine dose to 100mg and decreased my Seroquel dose to 100mg as instructed by my psychiatrist. I fell asleep last night around 2:00am and I was in and out until 8:30am. I probably got a total combination of 5 1/2 hours, which isn’t that bad. I woke up with sore muscles and I feel pretty tired, but it’s not as bad as it has previously been. I’m a bit unsteady on my feet, which is a new side effect for me. I still feel pressure in my throat, but it appears to be getting better. The chest pressure is there again, but very minor. And my temperature is 97.7. So I guess I do have a lot of side effects today, but I think they will go away as the day goes on, just like it has been happening every other day.

I have a busy day today that I’m looking forward to. My step-son, who is 24 years old, is coming over to visit. I love spending time with my step-kids. Then we’re going to dinner at my step-daughter’s house, she is 22 years old, which means I get to see my granddaughter again. We saw her this past Sunday, but I felt so weak from the medication that I was afraid to hold her; I didn’t want to drop her if my muscles gave out like they have a few other times. I’m going to continue to try to think positive even though it’s extremely difficult, at the very least, it can’t hurt.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Author: My Side of the Pole