Category: Anxiety and Panic

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Positive Thinking Leads To Success

Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.

There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.

Coyotes Game

Coyotes Game

My husband and I went to the Coyotes game last night (for those of you who don’t know, it is pro hockey) and we had a great time. We won in overtime! It was a lot more crowded than it normally is; the arena was sold out. Trying to walk anywhere was almost impossible; you just had to push your way through the massive crowds. I had to take more Valium for my anxiety, which I didn’t want to do, so I decided to take half of a pill. It worked perfectly. Plus, my husband either held my hand or had is arm around me the entire time to help me stay calm. He’s so great about doing that. I wouldn’t have been able to go to the game without him.

My face was painted with the Coyotes symbol at the state fair yesterday, and it stayed perfectly all day for the game. The next game won’t be as crowded. Last nights game was the busiest of the year because it was the home opener. I can’t wait for the next game we go to, which is in a couple of weeks on November 1st.

The State Fair

The State Fair

I went to the Arizona State Fair early this afternoon for a couple of hours. It did cause a lot of anxiety because there were so many people there, but taking Valium and being with my husband helped me a lot. We walked through some of the shopping areas, we had some fry bread, we went on a couple of rides, and we even got our faces painted (for the game tonight). It was difficult because people were walking all over the place. No one was paying attention to where they were walking or what they were doing. But my husband held my hand through it all.

I did my best to have a good time at the State Fair despite my fears and anxiety. It probably helped that we only stayed there for about 2 hours. When it felt like I had enough, I listened to myself, and we called it a day at the fair. Now, I have a couple of hours to rest before we go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener.

A Busy and Nerve-Wracking Day

A Busy and Nerve-Wracking Day

I have a busy and nerve-wracking day planned for today. In the early afternoon, I’m going with my husband to the Arizona State Fair. I’ve lived here for over a decade and have never been to the state fair. I’m from a small town with only 3,500 people. I’ve never seen a fair as big as I’m about to see. I’m nervous, so of course I’m going to need some Valium to help me get through this. My husband knows not to leave my side and to either walk behind me or keep his arm around me so I don’t feel like someone can creep up behind me. My husband makes me feel safe. The fair will be difficult, but I can do it.

Later tonight, I’m extremely excited to go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener. We’re big hockey fans. My husband and I got good seats. Normally, we get cheap seats that are still pretty good, but for some reason, we decided to upgrade to great seats with an amazing view. I’m happy about the seats, but I’m also nervous because I’ve never been to that part of the arena. New things scare me. I hope it goes well. My husband will help me get through it and enjoy it.

 

The New Support Group Was A Success

The New Support Group Was A Success

Last night, I went to a new support group. My panic attack first hit at 4pm (the meeting was at 5:30pm). I took a Valium and that helped a bit. When it got to the time that I had to leave to go to the meeting, my nerves shot up again. I started texting with a friend who was supportive and encouraging. I entered the room where the meeting was to take place, and I started pacing back and forth. My friend helped keep me calm again.

I sat down at the table and I was happy to see that this was a small meeting of only 6 people. I prefer smaller meetings because each person has more time to share. Plus, large groups increase my anxiety. My leg was shaking the whole time under the table. There was nothing I could do to stop it; it’s something I do when I get anxious. I shared for a couple of minutes at one point during the meeting. I made it through the entire meeting despite my anxiety. I have no reason not to go back again next week. I can only assume that I will become more comfortable with the group over time.

The Dentist…

The Dentist…

I had a dentist appointment yesterday, which is one of my least favorite appointments to go to. Lying down in the dentist’s chair makes me feel so vulnerable. I can’t see who is walking up behind me and my reaction time is slowed because I’m lying down. These are some of my biggest fears. I have to use nitrous oxide to get through it without a panic attack lately. However, I think I want to try to do it without it next time. Maybe I can see how far I get before asking the hygienist to hook up the nitrous. It all depends on how I’m doing emotionally at the time of the next appointment.

This time, the hygienist asked me if I really needed it. I felt pathetic. He asked me if I needed it because of a bad dental experience. I told him no; he kept probing for answers. I told him it was PTSD from a bad relationship, not like it was really any of his business. He tried to give me tips on how to stay calm, but I cut him off. It’s not like I haven’t tried just about every trick in the book to deal with my anxiety/panic attacks. He wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, he was just trying to save me money; however, it wasn’t his place to say the things he said.

Telling Myself To Be Positive

Telling Myself To Be Positive

Vacation continues to go well. My sister, her husband, and their kids left. It was great to see all of them, we had a wonderful visit. That leaves just me and my mom! That’s my favorite part. We can do anything or nothing together and we always get along, everything with the two of us is always simple. We got my weekly blood work done this morning and informed the pharmacy that they should be receiving my blood work results soon. My mom helped me get the courage to go in and talk to the pharmacist, and it all worked out perfectly.

During lunch, one of the things we talked about was how I struggle to say ‘no’ to anyone. She pointed out that I said no to a couple of things such as no more ECT treatments and no to IV Ketamine treatments. It’s so difficult for me to say no; I can’t do it without an anxiety attack. My mom suggested that instead of saying I can’t say no, say “I haven’t been able to say no very often” or “I have not yet perfected the art of saying no”. My mom always has a great perspective and input.

I know that when I say things in a negative manner, it makes that part of life harder. If I work at saying things in a positive way, it helps me actually be positive. I’m going to work at saying these things along with other positive thinking.

Mid-Flight Travels

Mid-Flight Travels

While I am writing this mid-flight, I won’t be able to post it until the next day. I’m almost halfway through my flight, and my anxiety is starting to rise. I took a Valium before I boarded the plane because I have a middle seat. I hate sitting in the middle, I feel so crowded and confined. Every time I move, I touch one person or another. After eating something, I tried sleeping. I fell asleep, and I thought I slept a while, but when I woke up, only 15 minutes had passed. For some reason, if I fall asleep after taking Valium, it wears off when I wake up, no matter how short or long the duration of my rest is. I’m curious if that happens to anyone else. If that does happen to you, please tell me so I know I’m not alone.

The Valium has worn off and there’s still 2 ½ hours left on the flight. I tried playing Sudoku for a little while, but I can’t concentrate because I keep accidentally bumping into other people that I don’t know. So I thought I would take out my computer and do a little writing. I need to do something, anything, to occupy my mind. I’m trying so hard to stay relaxed and keep my anxiety down. I’m saying positive phrases in my head. You can do this; you’re already half-way there. However, this is not helping. My mind just keeps freaking out every few minutes. I’m holding it all in. By the way, I’m not afraid of flying. The problem is being surrounded by strangers and crowed; every time I move, I touch someone. It might be time to take another Valium. It has been about 4 hours since my last dose, and I felt the effects of that dose wear off already.

I normally don’t take my Valium as often as I’m allowed to. I can take 10mg twice a day; however, most days I don’t take any. A one month supply usually lasts me anywhere from 2 to 4 months. I take it when necessary, like when I leave my house. I don’t go out very often except to run errands.

I’m able to calm myself a little bit while I wait for the meds to kick in. I control my breathing, which allows me to lower my heart rate. I look out the window and see the beautiful clouds. I think about being with my family later tonight. All of these things help me stay calm. A couple years ago, I never would have thought that I could get myself through an anxiety attack without freaking out all of the people around me. I can recognize the fact that my anxiety is up and do a few things, as written above, to help me get through. And the best part is that no one around me has to know what’s going on, so I don’t feel pathetic. I recognize the progress.

After my flight, I had to take a 2 hour bus ride to get where I want to go. The bus was silent and simple. Stepping down off the bus, I see my mom standing there with both my nieces and my nephew. It was after midnight, and they all stayed up to greet me as I arrived. They made me feel special. The hassle of traveling is definitely worth it.

Traveling All Day

I’m at the airport and already through security. For some reason, I have a middle seat. Oh well, I have medication if I need it. That’s what Valium is for. I’m nervous, but I keep telling myself I can do this. I’m keeping my anxiety low so far. I have a 5 hour flight and a 2 hour bus ride right after. It will all be worth it when I’m with my family.

Martial Arts Helped Me In Many Ways

Martial Arts Helped Me In Many Ways

I’ve had trouble sleeping the past week or so, and when that happens my mind tends to wander. I tend to worry, and of course every noise my house makes freaks me out. I feel so vulnerable, it’s from my PTSD. I think about when I first got sober, the long-term rehab I was in required that we take martial arts, among many other activities. I loved it! I worked hard at it, and in just about a year’s time, I was able to graduate to from a white belt to a blue belt. I really miss it. It gave me more confidence, and most importantly, it helped me feel safe when I was alone.

I’ve been thinking about joining some type of martial arts or self-defense class. It might take me many months to actually do, but I started thinking about it. I even brought it up to my husband last night. He reminded me that the main reason I stopped doing martial arts was because of the pain in my knees and hips, which I completely forgot about thanks to ECT. This was before my knee surgery. I know it’s really hard on my body, but it may be worth a try. I think a self-defense class would be easier on me physically.

I might start researching the different places I could go to. A one-on-one self-defense class is probably the least anxiety-provoking and intimidating. I get extremely nervous in groups. If I feel comfortable down the road, I can always join a martial arts program. Who knows what will happen, anything’s possible.