Emotionally Numb, Uncomfortably Numb

Do you ever feel stuck? As if no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing will end up working out in your favor? That’s how I feel right now. There are too many things going on in life and I’m having a hard time processing them all. I’m emotionally numb; uncomfortably numb (not because of drugs, because of my mental health).

I’m weighed down with life in general. I feel like a failure; like I keep doing the wrong thing. I just want a break from all of the doctor appointments for a little while. I want a break from not knowing how I feel and not knowing how to respond when people ask me how I’m doing. Even my therapist has told me that I’m much quieter than I used to be, I’m not talking very much. That’s just because I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to say.

Physical and Mental Health

As if I didn’t have enough issues already, I went to my primary care doctor yesterday because my cholesterol is high. Now I have to add a new medication to my current large list of meds. I was told that one of my meds is most likely causing my cholesterol to rise, but no one told me which medication is causing this problem. I think it might be the Clozapine, but that’s just a guess.

It’s getting difficult managing both my mental health and my physical health at the same time. I have also developed some myoclonic jerks, most likely from the Lithium that I take. They’re manageable right now, as long as it doesn’t get worse.

The Dentist…

I had a dentist appointment yesterday, which is one of my least favorite appointments to go to. Lying down in the dentist’s chair makes me feel so vulnerable. I can’t see who is walking up behind me and my reaction time is slowed because I’m lying down. These are some of my biggest fears. I have to use nitrous oxide to get through it without a panic attack lately. However, I think I want to try to do it without it next time. Maybe I can see how far I get before asking the hygienist to hook up the nitrous. It all depends on how I’m doing emotionally at the time of the next appointment.

This time, the hygienist asked me if I really needed it. I felt pathetic. He asked me if I needed it because of a bad dental experience. I told him no; he kept probing for answers. I told him it was PTSD from a bad relationship, not like it was really any of his business. He tried to give me tips on how to stay calm, but I cut him off. It’s not like I haven’t tried just about every trick in the book to deal with my anxiety/panic attacks. He wasn’t trying to be disrespectful, he was just trying to save me money; however, it wasn’t his place to say the things he said.

Psych Appointment

Yesterday was my appointment with my psychiatrist. It went really well. I brought a list of everything I wanted to talk to him about, so I wouldn’t forget anything. It was very helpful. He listened to everything I said as well as all of my requests.

I am now off Deplin, because I don’t feel that it has helped at all. He increased my Cogentin at night for the dystonia, just like I asked. He also said I could get off of the Inositol since it wasn’t working either.

I talked to him about the twitches I’m having in my hands that cause me to drop things. He said there was a name for it, but the only solution would be to go off some other meds, such as Lithium and Tegretol. I don’t want to do that at this time. I told him about the extreme nausea that’s been happening this past week, but we both agreed that it’s most likely from Elmiron, which I take for my bladder disorder. The Clozapine is causing the drowsiness during the day.

He is also going to check my thyroid level, Lithium level, Tegretol level, blood sugar level, and cholesterol. I’m very pleased with this appointment.

When I got home, I took a nap that lasted about 6 hours. I don’t know why that happened, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I feel better so far today.

Goodbye Cape Cod

I’m headed home now. I’ve had a great vacation, but it’s time to get back to reality. I’m purposely made sure not to schedule any doctors appointments for Monday, with the exception my weekly blood work. I’m trying to give myself a day to get back into the swing of things. Tomorrow, I will most likely spend running errands and doing laundry.

I have one doctor appointment on Tuesday, teo on Wednesday, and one on Friday. What a life! The appointment on Tuesday at with my psychiatrist. While I was away, I wrote down a long list of things I want to discuss with him. There’s some meds I want to get off of,some dosage changes, some side effects to report, and some lab work to get done other than my weekly blood work. I’m on thyroid medication, but we never check my thyroid level. That could be contributing to my weight gain.

So Many Medical Appointments

This week has been full of doctor/medical appointments. I had my blood work done on Monday, talk therapy was yesterday, today was my gyn to treat my interstitial cystitis. I feel like all I do is go from one doctor to the next, over and over again. My blood work went well this week. I saw the woman who normally asks too many personal questions; she’s quite inappropriate. I was told that I should report her, but I didn’t. This last appointment, when I saw her, she only asked how I was doing. She didn’t try to tell me how I should treat and manage my bipolar disorder. I get extremely nervous when I see her, but now I know that I can see her without having her get inappropriate.

My therapy appointment went well. I actually opened up to him a little more than I expected. I told him some things that I’ve been thinking about that I haven’t told anyone else. It felt good to finally get some of the ideas that are running around in my head off my chest. It would have been better if talking about it made it go away. Instead, it just brought the negative thinking to the front of my mind. I keep going over and over it in my mind. I wonder when it will stop. At least I have someone I feel comfortable talking to about it. I’m not comfortable talking about it here yet, but maybe I will one day soon.

My gyn treats my interstitial cystitis, also called painful bladder disorder, by doing an installation. They are very uncomfortable, only sometimes do I yell or swear during the treatment. I’ve been doing the treatments every week for a couple of months now. Today, I found out that I finally get to do the treatments ever two weeks. I’m ecstatic about that.

I wish I could have a week without doctor appointments. I suppose the next time that will happen will be when I go to Cape Cod, although I’ll still have to get my blood drawn in order to get my Clozapine prescription. One day, I believe I will have a doctor-free week. It may not be today or even this month, but it will happen at some point.

Clozapine Prescriptions

My psychiatrist mailed me two months worth of prescriptions. These scripts, for Clozapine, will get me from my 200mg dose up to my target 400mg dose. Each script is for one week worth of medications (because I still have to do the weekly blood work). He sent me everything that I would need to get through the next two months. The scripts are pre-dated, so I can’t fill them until Wednesday of each week.

I will be starting the increase soon, either Wednesday or Thursday of this week. I’m a little concerned about the possible side effects, but I mostly think it will all work out.I’m increasing my dose slowly to hopefully avoid side effects. I guess only time will tell.

I can still contact my psychiatrist any time I need, but hopefully everything with the dosage increase will go smoothly and I won’t have to. My next appointment with him is on August 25th. Until then, I can contact him via email or text if necessary. He will still get my weekly blood work results. If he sees a problem with my blood tests, then he will contact me.

Medical Billing Confusion

My husband has a lot of medical bills, not nearly as much as I do, but his are for his back. He has a herniated disc and a bulging disc as well as degenerative disc disease. He had back surgery last year, which helped a little, but not enough. I keep all of my important documents filed alphabetically. So if I can’t figure out these bills, then I don’t know any regular person that could.

I’m having problems keeping track of all the bills. He already met his deductible, but for some reason, we are getting bills and I don’t know what to do with them. I’m a very organized person, but I still struggle keeping everything in order. One of the bills we got in the mail says that we owe $400, but it doesn’t even say why. There’s no date of service on the bill or any explanation regarding the medical service provided. Obviously, I’m going to have to call the billing departments and dispute these bills. I really hate handling these types of issues.

I can’t seem to get moving today. I fell asleep on the couch this morning less than an hour after I woke up. I’m not sure why I’m so tired, I actually slept through the night last night. Normally, I wake up several times. There are so many things I need to get done today. In addition to everything on my to-do list, I also have to clean up my house. It’s technically clean, but messy. I don’t like having a messy house, so that has to be taken care of soon.

Standing By My Decision – I Actually Did It!

I was very nervous about my psych appointment yesterday; I was so nervous that I even had an anxiety attack. I’m not used to telling anyone what I want, especially when it’s different from others want. Standing up for my own desires is nerve-wracking for me. I prepared for my psych appointment yesterday by writing down exactly what I wanted to say. I told my psychiatrist that I wanted to stop ECT because it has become too hard on my body and my mind. I’ve been doing ECT for close to a year and a half, and I just can’t take it anymore. I explained my reasons and to my surprise, he was okay with my choice. He explained that he respects my choice; I couldn’t ask for more than that. I’m very happy with the outcome of that appointment.

He gave me several options about what we could do moving forward. He told me I probably wouldn’t like a couple of the options, but he was going to mention them anyway. I’m glad he did mention them (without any pressure). It was nice to see all of my options at once, even though I didn’t like most of them. Together, we decided to slowly increase my Clozapine up to 400mg a night. We will increase the dose by 25mg each week until we reach our target goal of 400mg. We are increasing slowly to hopefully avoid some negative side effects such as dizziness, fevers, and drowsiness. It will take two months to reach our goal. I will see him in three months. This gives me time to get to the target dose and then allow my body to adjust to the dose for a while. I’m really hoping that this change will help. The Clozapine has helped quite a bit so far, I have a feeling that it will continue to help.

My husband pointed out to me that this is the first time that I made my own decision regarding my mental health, and stuck by it. He was proud of me. To be honest, I’m proud of myself. I know it sounds a little ridiculous to be so happy about this decision, but it’s a huge step for me.

Psychiatry Appointment

Late tomorrow afternoon, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I’m really nervous about this appointment. He is going to go over my Clozapine blood level with me and change my dose. I’ not really worried about that, but I have just decided that I don’t want to do ECT anymore. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now, but I finally made my decision (I think). Right now I’m going every four weeks. So at the very least, I could just start by taking an extra month off and seeing how that goes. If it’s a disaster, then I can think about going back on it.

I wrote down on paper what I want to say to him because I don’t normally stand up for my opinions.I don’t like any type of disagreements. Since I wrote it down, then I know I will be able to say exactly what I want to say. I’m going to tell him, ‘I am no longer willing to do ETC treatments. The stress on my body, the memory loss, and the loss of words in conversations is too much for me. It has been this way for a while. I tried putting it off, but I can’t wait any longer. I’m not willing to do the Ketamine treatments at this time.’ Hopefully I can stick by what I say. There’s a better chance of that happening since I wrote down what to say.’ I’ll let you all know how it goes.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Category: Doctor Appointments