Tag: Family

Know Your Fears, Balance Your Emotions

Know Your Fears, Balance Your Emotions

I am a worrier. In any situation, my mind usually thinks of all the things that could go wrong. I worry about my family, my friends, my dog, my own life, and the future; so, to sum it up, I worry about almost everything. Worrying takes up a lot of my energy. I wish I was able to control it, but so far, I’ve been unsuccessful at that. However, I am getting better at it.

My grandmother was admitted to the hospital today. The doctors ruled out a stroke, but they still don’t know what’s wrong with her. They admitted her to the ICU; she is not in critical condition, they just felt that they could monitor her better there. When I first found out, I was thinking that I should fly home so I could be there with her, for my benefit, not hers. Luckily, I was able to talk myself down into thinking reasonably. I know that my mom would let me know if I needed to come home.

Feeling concerned about someone or something is one thing, but obsessive worrying is taking it too far. Most of the emotions I feel are to the extreme; I need to learn to find balance. I didn’t call my mom 10 times today to see how things were going. I called one and sent a couple of text messages. I’m learning how to handle my emotions and conduct myself in difficult situations. My first reaction is never the right or appropriate one, but, with a lot of work, I can talk myself through rough circumstances.

Support, Love, and Meds

Support, Love, and Meds

It’s been tough not blogging lately. Blogging has been a great way for me to work through my issues, but it’s hard to do physically. That means, I’ve been holding in most of my emotions and not dealing with things in the best way. Luckily, my family has been there to help me with any issues going on. I also feel like I have support from this online community I’m a part of. Thank you to all of you.

I’ve talked to most of my family lately. It’s nice to know that my family supports me. In just 3 1/2 weeks, I’ll be in Cape Cod with my mom, my sister, and her family. There’s a chance I might even get to see my niece skate.

My husband came home with a bouquet of flowers two days ago. He said that he thought I could use a smile, something to lift me up. They’re red roses and white lilies. Lilies are my favorite. He’s so sweet. He does stuff like that randomly.

I’m still getting used to the new medication. This is the first medication that I have to take with a meal. All my (many) other meds don’t need to be taken with a meal. It’s hard to remember to take the Metformin with food, but I will get used to it eventually.

Another Day

Another Day

I was in a big car accident over the weekend, but I can’t talk or write about it until my lawyer settles everything. I won’t be writing as much because it is very difficult right now.

I’m going to get a rental car so I can get around for a little while. I’m nervous to drive, but it will be okay. Today, we get to go see my father-in-law. He’s an amazing guy. I’m looking forward to seeing him. Today is just another day, hopefully.

Slightly Better For Now

Slightly Better For Now

I’m feeling slightly better today. I’m still upset about being labeled totally and permanently disabled, even though it’s what I needed to have happen. At least I’m not crying today like I was last night. Plus, it’s just a label; it doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll be disabled forever, even though it feels like that sometimes. It just sucks because I’m already doing everything I can do and the result is not very good. Oh well, at least I’m trying. I am proud of myself for doing all that I can do, whether it helps or not. If I wasn’t working at being healthy, then I wouldn’t be able to take pride in that aspect of my life.

I talked to my husband this morning about how I’m feeling. He kept trying to make me feel better; it was sweet and thoughtful. At least he cares enough to try. I have to give him credit for that.

I did sleep last night, but I didn’t fall asleep until 5am. I slept for 5 hours, which isn’t too bad. It’s better than not sleeping at all. I find it odd to be depressed but not sleeping very much. Usually, when I’m depressed, I sleep all the time. So does that mean I’m in a mixed state? Or can I have symptoms of both depression and mania, and still be in a depression? I’m not sure how it works. Anyway, hopefully things will continue to improve, even if it’s only one tiny bit at a time.

Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It

Lessons I’ve Learned: Courage Is Not The Absence Of Fear, But The Ability To Continue In Spite Of It

This is a saying I remember hearing over and over at my AA meetings. When I was getting sober, I was constantly told to pray for help to change. Change is not an easy thing, so I was told to pray for the courage to change. I am not a person that likes to pray, but when you’re desperate enough, you’ll try anything. I’ve now been sober for 12 years. At this time, I’m still having difficulties, just in a different area of my life. But I still need to work on changing, and I still need the courage to do so. I don’t feel like I have any courage. I feel weak and helpless, but my friends and family tell me that I’m a courageous person. Either I don’t see what they see, or they’re just wrong about me having courage. I suppose I’ll be positive about this and just assume that I’m not seeing what these other people are seeing.

One thing I know I’m good at doing and I keep trying. No matter how many times something fails or problems arise, I don’t give up. I guess others see this as courageous; I see this as desperate. I want to give up all the time; I’m not sure why I don’t. Maybe it’s because of my family. My entire family is so supportive and caring. They put a lot of energy into dealing with me. I feel like it’s the right thing to do to keep trying, if not for myself, then for my family.

I have learned that it’s okay to have fear, but don’t let that fear stop you from doing anything. I am in control of my life. I make the choices. I can choose to look fear in the face and keep moving forward. I have learned to never give up on myself. If I can’t do things for myself, then it’s okay to find another reason. For me, it’s my family. I wonder what other people use as their reason to keep moving forward. Does anyone want to share?

Cape Cod, Here I Come! (In 2 Months)

Cape Cod, Here I Come! (In 2 Months)

I haven’t slept one wink since I woke up yesterday morning, and I’m not even tired. Besides that, my mom and I got my plane ticket to go to Cape Cod to spend a week together! It doesn’t happen until August, but I’m excited now that I made my final decision. This is the only time I get to have real one-on-one time with my mom. I’m really looking forward to it. We’re talking about doing some things that we’ve never tried before. Plus, I’ll get to see my sister, her husband, and their kids! I overlap my vacation with theirs for about 24 hours. I can’t wait to see them all.

I go to the same cottage that my family has been going to since before I was born. I have so many memories of Dennis Port, MA. The cottage is a short 1 to 2 minute walk to the water. I don’t like to go in the water, but I enjoy lying on the beach. It’s a private beach, so it’s not crowded, which makes it easier for my anxiety. My husband wants to come, but we just can’t make it work this year. He’ll be coming back to Connecticut with me in the beginning of December for my mom’s birthday. Maybe he will be able to come with me to the Cape next year. I worry about him being on the beach. He has 3rd degree burns on over 30% of his body. It happened over a decade ago. He’s perfectly fine now; he just has to be very careful when he’s out in the sun.

My flights, both ways, are non-stop. That will help reduce some anxiety. I’m trying to prepare for this vacation, so I want to try to lose a bit of weight. And the more important thing that I have to do is find a lab to get my weekly blood work done. I already found a pharmacy where I can get Clozapine, so the rest of it should be easy.

Lessons I’ve Learned: Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

Lessons I’ve Learned: Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness

Another one of the many lessons I’ve learned is that money doesn’t buy happiness. Having money may make life a bit easier. For example, if I had an unlimited amount of money, it would be no problem to pay all of the bills I received. I wouldn’t have anxiety attacks when receiving large bills. There wouldn’t be any stress when it came to figuring out how to pay every bill. Based on that information, money can make things less stressful, but that isn’t happiness. Money doesn’t last, but your emotional state is something that does last. I know that having more money wouldn’t make me happy.

Even though I don’t have that much money, it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy. It may mean that I’m stressed and overwhelmed. In fact, I don’t even think that money has anything to do with my current depression or any of my depressions. Depression is an internal feeling; it is something that goes on within me that I have no control over. For me, a part of happiness lies in the relationships I have with my family and friends and with my capabilities to do certain things. Personally, I would say that love and support from family and friends is a big aspect of happiness for many.

Talking about “happiness” is very difficult because of my depression. For those of us that sadly have to deal with depression, know that no one thing can fix it. Knowing that my family loves and supports me is nice, but it doesn’t change my emotional state. Most of the time, medication doesn’t even make a difference. However, when you find the right medication, it changes everything.

Time With My Grandma – Writing Her Story

Time With My Grandma – Writing Her Story

I’ve been doing all my holiday and other gift shopping a little bit at a time. I should be all done in about a month or two. While I was organizing my gift ideas, I realized that I didn’t have any ideas for my grandma for her birthday, and that’s not right. So I started thinking and come up with an idea of creating a picture book of her through the years. She’s 90 years old; she will be 91 on July 25th of this year.  I just want her to know how much she means to me. I told my mom about my idea and it turns out I already did something very similar when she turned 85 years old.

My mom had a better idea, but it’s a lot of work. I’m going to write a book about my grandma, “The Life and Times of Sylvia”. I will come up with some questions and my grandma will answer them. I will get to work on this project with my grandma. This allows me to spend more time with her and get to know her a little better. It will also give us something to talk about, making conversations easier. I told her about it yesterday and she loved the idea. I told her that it will take some time. Maybe she can answer one of my questions every time we talk.

Some of the questions I came up with were how she met my grandfather? What type of work did she do at MIT? What was it like living through the depression? What was Hebrew school like? I have many more questions and I can’t wait to get to know her better. This will be a lot of work, and at times it could be very difficult, but it will be worth it in the long run. I’m always worrying about losing my grandma. I think this is a great way to spend our time together. I don’t want to have any regrets in the end; that’s what this project is helping me with. Hopefully it will all work out.

Will I Go To Cape Cod?

Will I Go To Cape Cod?

For weeks now, I have been trying to decide whether or not I will be going to Cape Cod this summer. My family has been going since before I was born. For the past many years, I go for one week. Timing wise, I overlap with my sister, her husband, and their kids for one day. Then the rest of the time is just me and my mom. It’s great that I get to see my sister and her family. It’s fantastic that I get time just me and my mom. It’s my favorite vacation.

My mom and I get along so well, we’re more like best friends. We usually have the same ideas for what we want to do. We go and lay on the beach for a bit (just a one or two minute walk from the cottage), play some games, take naps, go to see a play, etc. We have the same taste in activities. When I go back home to Connecticut, I get to spend time with my mom, but it’s not the same. This is the only time we get to be alone together.

I’ve been questioning if I was going to go or not because of my bladder disorder. My interstitial cystitis is getting worse and I’m having to get treatments every week at this point. Plus, I would have to figure out where to get my weekly blood work done and where to get my prescription filled. It could be difficult, but am I really going to let these things get in the way of my vacation? I don’t think so. I think it’s time to start looking at plane tickets.