Is It A Lack Of Motivation?

I’m having a hard time getting things done lately, with the exception of yesterday. Every task, no matter now big or small, seems to be almost impossible. Every time I find out that there’s something new I need to do, it feels as if someone is squeezing my chest through my ribs, and my breathing gets harder. It only lasts a couple of minutes, but it’s very annoying. They’re not as bad as my regular anxiety attacks, but they are somewhat similar.

I am still able to get things done, but not without difficulty. Is it just a lack of motivation that I’m dealing with? Is it part of the depression I’m going through? Am I simply on overload right now? Who knows, but it’s time for me to force myself to get some things done today. Hopefully I will have more days like yesterday. I had to force myself to do a lot of tasks, but I was very productive.

Thanksgiving Is Coming

I just realized that Thanksgiving is right around the corner! It’s next Thursday, November 24th. I don’t even know where I will be spending the holiday this year. My husband’s family take turn hosting holidays, thank goodness my house is too small to host a big holiday like that. I’m going to miss being at my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. I always loved it so much; it was the perfect amount of love, laughter, family, and nuttiness. I know all of that will be at Thanksgiving at my in-law’s house, but it won’t be the same as what I grew up with.

It’s time that I start preparing for the holiday. I need to find out where it is and who might be coming. I just want to know how big the holiday celebration will be. I want to prepare myself as much as possible so I can have a good time at Thanksgiving dinner. The more I know, the more comfortable I may feel.

A Busier Week

While last week was very slow due to having only one appointment, this coming week is going to be a busy one. I have appointments Monday through Thursday. It feels as if I’m making up for the lack of doctor appointments this past week. I just wish I could even out my appointments so I don’t have weeks where I’m overloaded, like this upcoming week.

I’m going to need time to get ready for my upcoming trip. It will take some extra work since I’m traveling with my husband, I’ll have to plan and pack for two. I can’t wait for this upcoming vacation to visit my Mom and the rest of the family. We will be gone for eight days, so I have to get everything done that I would normally do during that time at home. I think life is going to be pretty busy in general until vacation comes, but it’s all worth it.

Out of Control Thinking

Racing thoughts are normal for me. They’re there whether I’m depressed or manic. My mind has been going more than normal. There’s just too much on my mind at any given time. I’m having a hard time comprehending what other people are saying during conversations. It feels as if my husband thinks I’m not paying attention because I keep asking him to repeat himself. I am paying attention; it’s just hard to listen to only one voice when there are so many going on in my head.

I can’t get my mind to stop. I would even be okay with my thoughts just slowing down, but I can’t seem to get that to happen either. Maybe this is something that can be handled with medication, as if I’m not already on enough pills. I see my psychiatrist in a week, maybe I should make a list of everything I want to talk to him about.

Heavy Thoughts

I woke up after only a few hours of sleep; my mind was wandering like it always does. Thoughts are going in and out of my brain, covering all different topics and raising questions that I don’t know the answer to. Instead of laying in bed and trying to go back to sleep, I give in to the racing thoughts and go out to the couch. I turn on the TV to help me drone out the racing thoughts that I can’t manage.

Normally, I can fall back asleep once I’m on the couch because of the TV background noise, but this time I have no luck. The air feels dense, my thoughts feel heavy. Every thought adds weight to my mind. I finally give up on falling back asleep, so that removes one of the many thoughts. I can’t give up on anything else, so I just have to fight my way through.

No, Not The Post Office

I have to go to the post office today to mail some paperwork. Normally, I can weigh it at home, put on some stamps, and stick it in our mailbox. However, this package weights about 10 ounces, it’s too heavy for stamps. I really hate the post office. It’s a trigger that causes anxiety attacks. It’s always so busy and crazy. There’s a huge line every time I’ve been there. I’m hoping my husband will go to the post office for me. He’s done it before, maybe he won’t mind doing it again. He knows that it’s a trigger for me.

The post office in the town where I grew up is nothing like the post office in the city here. The longest line I ever stood in at my hometown post office was 2 people. There are a lot of benefits of living in a small town, right now I miss that.

Anxiety Attacks Increasing

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks lately, somewhere between 3 and 6 attacks a day, and I’m not sure why. I feel overwhelmed from everything that’s going on in life. These things are handling life’s day-to-day tasks, but some of those things are not so easy. I worry that I don’t make the right choices, that I’m going to miss something, and then everything will be messed up and it’s all my fault. It’s not just my life, but it’s also my husband’s life that I’m handling.

When my anxiety attacks happen, I can feel my heart pumping in my chest. My chest then feels tight and I struggle to breathe. The dizziness then comes on and my body starts to tremble. Sometimes I have no clue why I’m having an anxiety attack. Sometimes the only reason I know I’m having an attack is because I know my symptoms. My triggers still cause anxiety attacks, but they’re also happening at times that aren’t normally stressful. Does anyone experience this?

A Busy and Nerve-Wracking Day

I have a busy and nerve-wracking day planned for today. In the early afternoon, I’m going with my husband to the Arizona State Fair. I’ve lived here for over a decade and have never been to the state fair. I’m from a small town with only 3,500 people. I’ve never seen a fair as big as I’m about to see. I’m nervous, so of course I’m going to need some Valium to help me get through this. My husband knows not to leave my side and to either walk behind me or keep his arm around me so I don’t feel like someone can creep up behind me. My husband makes me feel safe. The fair will be difficult, but I can do it.

Later tonight, I’m extremely excited to go to the Arizona Coyotes home opener. We’re big hockey fans. My husband and I got good seats. Normally, we get cheap seats that are still pretty good, but for some reason, we decided to upgrade to great seats with an amazing view. I’m happy about the seats, but I’m also nervous because I’ve never been to that part of the arena. New things scare me. I hope it goes well. My husband will help me get through it and enjoy it.

Emotionally Numb, Uncomfortably Numb

Do you ever feel stuck? As if no matter what you do or how hard you try, nothing will end up working out in your favor? That’s how I feel right now. There are too many things going on in life and I’m having a hard time processing them all. I’m emotionally numb; uncomfortably numb (not because of drugs, because of my mental health).

I’m weighed down with life in general. I feel like a failure; like I keep doing the wrong thing. I just want a break from all of the doctor appointments for a little while. I want a break from not knowing how I feel and not knowing how to respond when people ask me how I’m doing. Even my therapist has told me that I’m much quieter than I used to be, I’m not talking very much. That’s just because I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to say.

Overwhelmed and About To Burn Out

I’m feeling overwhelmed. Too much is going on already. Then I have people asking me for my help, and I can’t say no. I want to be able to help, but I need to learn to set some sort of boundaries. Why is it so difficult to say no to people? I think I just need to schedule my life a little better.

I have too many doctor appointments, it’s very frustrating. Right now, I have to get blood work done every week, but that won’t last much longer. In October, I should only be getting my blood work done every other week. Maybe that will help with this feeling of being overwhelmed.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Tag: Overwhelmed