Vacation is over. I’m on my way home today. I was worried about checking my bag. It seemed to be extremely heavy. I thought that it was going to be over the 50lb limit. I had no scale to measure it with. Luckily, when I weighed it at the airport, it only weighed 47lbs. Then, I surprisingly went straight through security in the airport without getting stopped by anyone.
I’m early for my flight. I would rather be early than late. I sit down near my gate but far enough away so I’m basically alone. I’m about to be on a 6 hour flight with people all around me. I’ve decided to have as much alone time as possible. I found a group of chairs up against a wall that are off on their own with no one in them. Granted, they are about 30 feet away from the restrooms, but at least no one is coming to sit near me and start a conversation.
I had a great vacation, and I don’t want to leave, however; at the same time, I’m really looking forward to going home. The thing that I really like about this vacation, and pretty much any vacation, is the time I get to spend with my mom. Since she lives so far way from me (about 2,500 miles), I only get to see her about 2 or 3 times a year. Leaving her is hard, but going back home to my husband is good.
Another day of ECT. I know it helps, but I really dislike the memory loss side effect. However, I would rather have some memory loss than be completely miserable, irritable, depressed, and suicidal. I am grateful that ECT helps and I hope that it continues to improve my mental health status as time goes on.
I was talking to my husband the other day about how I’ve been going to AA meetings all by myself (of course, not without taking a Valium). We discussed that I have talked to some people, spoke in some of the meetings, and I even stood up to get my sobriety chip (I had 13 years sober on April 29th). It turns out that I really missed meetings.
I have been pushing myself to do a little more each week. My husband and I even take walks each night for about 30 minutes. It’s so beautiful out with the stars shining down on us. The neighborhood is almost completely silent. During the last couple of walks, only 2 cars passed by us each night. It reminds me of where I grew up. I think the reason that I’m able and willing to push myself further is because I know that I have a safe place to come home to. I feel secure and comfortable in our new home. When living at our last house, I always felt on edge. Just leaving the house and going to the garage was a difficult task. I no longer have to worry about things like that; my anxiety while at home is less. Let’s hope it stays that way.
Last night, my husband and I took Cash for a walk around our new neighborhood (he was feeling pretty good, he even ate his dinner!). We were moving things when we decided that we should check our mailbox, although that meant finding it first. So we walked around slowly for about 10 or 15 minutes. It was only 9pm, and the entire neighborhood was silent and the sky was clear so we could see the sky. We both love our new neighborhood! No more loud noises, gunshots, and other inappropriate things happening day or night. This is the perfect neighborhood for us.
I never knew how much I rely on my dog until he got sick. My husband always tells me that the dog helps me out and is a necessity for me. I know, just as my husband says, that Cash helps me realize when noises are real. For example, he will normally get up, bark, and run to the door when he hears someone coming. However, this past week that he has been sick, he doesn’t even pick up his head. I was doing dishes today, and I had to stop three times, cautiously run to the window/door to see if anyone was coming, and carefully return to the dishes. Cash has been my protector and my guardian for the past 11 years. I always figured that no one would mess with me if I had an 88 pound pit mix standing in front of me, and it was true. No I’m looking out for myself and for my dog. He took care of me for his whole life; now it’s my turn to take care of him (I’ll just have to worry about myself later).