Today has been a big and busy day. I started off late for my first appointment of the day. I ended up making it to the appointment on time, but I was very rushed to make it there. Once I got there, I had to fill out almost an hour worth of paperwork. Thank goodness my husband was there to help me fill everything out; I can’t remember much with my memory loss. This first appointment was for some back pain I’ve been having. It turns out that my spine is in good shape (yay) and it’s just a muscular problem. I’m now taking a tapering dose of Methylprednisolone for six days. I don’t like adding more medications to what I’m already on, so hopefully it helps.
I had two doctors appointments today. This afternoon was when I started packing for my trip; I leave for Cape Cod tomorrow night. I already have my packing list figured out. I just have to run everything through the dryer to make sure all of the bed bugs are gone (which they are).
I’m excited to be on vacation for a week. I can’t wait to spend all of this time with my mom, my sister and husband, and their kids. The kids are growing up so quickly. I can’t believe that the youngest is 14 years old. While I will be loving my trip and enjoying all of my time on vacation, I’m going to miss my husband while I’m gone. My husband is my rock. He helps me get through everything. I don’t think I could handle life without him. I’m lucky to have him in my life.
I spent some time alone with my mother-in-law yesterday. I showed her the notebook I made to keep track of all her medical issues. She loved it and was extremely grateful of all the work I did. The visit went well; we get along great. It was just emotional for me. There were a lot of details in the notes that my mother-in-law didn’t understand. However, I knew what they meant because I heard them a lot from my father’s cancer. Her illness is bringing up a lot of emotions and memories of my dad. I just want to be able to support her and my husband without bringing up stuff about my dad. I’m not sure if that’s possible, but I’ll do my best.
The past couple days have been pretty difficult. I’ve been pushing myself to do things that I normally wouldn’t do. I’m doing these things because I know that they would help my husband and mother-in-law. I know I don’t have to do these things. It’s my choice. I’m choosing to do them because I think it’s a way for me to love and support my husband and mother-in-law.
Saturday night, my husband asked me if I wanted to go play darts. I got ready and took a Valium. My husband really just needed to get out of the house. We had a good time. We met his best friend there and got to meet his new girlfriend, who we both like. The hardest part was walking into the bar and through crowds. I was okay once we got to the dart boards. There were a lot of people there. My husband was very helpful. He made sure to always hold my hand when we were moving around and he stood behind me when there were other people standing behind me.
This morning, I decided to go to church. It’s a Christian church. Again, I took a Valium because I knew this would be more than difficult. I knew it would make my mother-in-law very happy, and it did. About half of it was singing. My husband told me a few times that I could sing along (almost everyone did), but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to sing along with words that I don’t believe in. Honestly, I have no clue what I believe in. I know that there is a power greater than myself; I’m obviously not all-powerful. However, that’s really all I know and believe at this point.
Going to church today really made my mother-in-law happy. It put a huge smile on her face. She even thanked me for coming and acknowledged how difficult it must have been for me to do so. I’ve been trying to figure out why I decided to go to church. I’m not sure if this is a reason or not, but I chose to go because no one ever asked me to going. Everyone knows I have a hard time with church and God. I wasn’t pushed into doing something I didn’t want to do. I was accepted for who I am, and that’s why I went. I’m not sure if I will go again or not. Right now, I’m completely overwhelmed with life. I wish there was a way to simply pause everything.
I went to a new salon today to get my eyebrows waxed. I did some research and found out that their slowest time of the day is between 2pm and 3pm, so that’s when I went. The store is in a retirement community, so the people there will not make me as nervous as other younger individuals. I still had to take a Valium in order to go, but I did really good while I was there. The woman who I worked with was really nice and easy to understand. I plan on going back there from now on whenever I need anything done by a salon.
There is also a grocery store right next door to this salon. It’s a Bashas’ grocery store, and I know those stores because that’s where we went grocery shopping when I was in an alcohol/drug treatment center. I think I could possible be comfortable going to this grocery store. Plus, it’s a lot closer to our house than where’s I’m currently going. Maybe I’ll have my husband come with me the first time, just to make me feel a little safer.
I’m proud of myself for finally trying to go somewhere new. Anything new is extremely difficult for me, but I’m glad I’m not giving up.
Life is too overwhelming and difficult. We moved into our new house this past April. However, I still drive to our old neighborhood to go shopping. For example, I drive to our old cross-streets for grocery shopping. There are many grocery stores that are closer, but I’m comfortable shopping at my old store. I prefer to drive and feel safe, than shop somewhere closer to home and be anxious and afraid.
I also continue to go to a salon that’s in my old neighborhood. I only go there to get my eyebrows waxed. It may be farther away, but I feel secure and happy when I go there. I looked around my new community and found a lot of places that I could go to get my eyebrows waxed. I even found two that are just on the corner, but still I choose to go somewhere familiar and pleasurable.
Finally, the bed bugs are gone! We’ve been trying to get rid of them for almost 3 months. We wrapped the mattress and its frame in black plastic and set them outside in the heat. Bed bugs can’t live in heat over 140 degrees. For 2 days, we put the wrapped mattress and frame outside when it was 110 degrees. The black plastic soaked in the sun and killed all the bed bugs. I didn’t want to say that we fixed it right away because I didn’t want to jinx it.
It feels so wonderful to finally be able to sleep in our own bed again. I slept on the couch for over a month. For the past few months, it felt like the bed bugs took over my life. Now, I finally took my life back.
My back is feeling better from yesterday’s ECT treatment, which I’m very grateful for. I decided I could go on with my day of doing errands, cleaning up the house, and working out. I started with short Zumba video. They’re pretty fun and they work very well. My husband called while I was in the middle of the video to tell me about an estate sale just up the road that he really wanted me to go to. We’re looking for some bedroom furniture, especially nightstands. Some of our stuff broke during the move.
I felt pressured into going, so I told him I wasn’t sure if I could make it. To be honest, I was saying that so I had out. I was terrified at the thought of going. There were going to be so many people in one small house (a house and people who I don’t even know at all), I just wasn’t sure if I could do it. I took a Valium and did some stuff around the house, waiting for it to kick in. Finally, it started working. I drove over to the estate sale and parked out-of-the-way. I stayed in my car for a while, but eventually I went in.
I looked around everywhere and tried to be polite to the people I passed. This whole situation was overwhelming, especially since I didn’t end up buying anything. However, I did it, I went by myself. That’s a huge step for me. I thought my heart was going to explode the entire time, but I made it through!