Today was another day of missing Cash. Every time I walked into my house, I expected to see him at the door, eagerly greeting me. When I’m cooking in the kitchen, I expect to see him anxiously waiting to clean up the mess that I left on the floor. Basically, I keep thinking that he will be there when I look over my shoulder. I know that this won’t really happen. I can’t wait for this instinct to stop.
I have received many nice phone calls, emails, and text messages from friends and family, all of which are giving me their condolences. It’s so nice that all of these people care enough to send me their kind thoughts and words. I’m doing my best to say busy. It will help me process and deal with everything that has happened.
I’ve been having a hard time staying in contact with friends lately. I think it’s my bipolar depression that makes me not want to connect with people; even when I want to connect with people, it’s a difficult activity. It takes a lot of work to stay in contact with people. Talking to people, whether they are family or friends, often feels like work, even when I’m talking to people who I want to talk to. It maybe something similar to emotional detachment, or it could be a reaction from my PTSD due to fear.
I do my best to stay in contact with a couple of people, such as my husband and mother. However, it gets harder and harder as time goes on. I’ve always been such a talker, so I find it weird that talking to people is so difficult for me. I notice that as time goes on, I talk to fewer people. Especially my friends; I let go of them when I’m struggling because it’s too much for me to manage. While I separate myself from them, I’m thinking of them often. When I’m doing better, I then try to reach out to my friends. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family members understand what I’m going through and they don’t judge me for separating myself from them.
My husband came home last night with a bouquet of flowers for me. He said he got them just because I wasn’t feeling well and he wanted to help me feel better. It definitely brought a huge smile to my face. My husband does this from time to time; when he thinks I need some cheering up or sometimes just because. I’m very lucky to have so much support. He’s always trying to look out for me.
In fact, my entire family supports me. This afternoon I received a card in the mail from my aunt. It was just to let me know that she supports me and loves me. It was the perfect card. It’s a good feeling knowing that my family supports me unconditionally. It helps with the depression.
Everything we well yesterday with my father-in-law’s surgery. We were at the hospital for 10 hours, but the time went by fast. We kept each other company while we waited to hear how the surgery went and then while we waited to go back and see him. At one point, some woman came and sat next to us (we were sitting in a corner of the waiting room by ourselves). It got pretty uncomfortable then, especially since she inserted herself into our conversation. However, I think she was just trying to pass the time while she waited for her husband. There were four of us waiting for my father-in-law, and she was all alone. He gets to go home today if all goes well. We won’t know how successful it was for at least a couple of weeks.
I fell asleep early on the couch since it had been a long day. I woke up at 2am coughing, so I stayed on the couch. I didn’t want to go to bed and wake my husband up with my coughing. I thought I might be able to fall back asleep, but that didn’t work out very well. I’m not sure if we’re going back to the hospital today or not. Maybe I’ll stop by before my doctor’s appointment.
My day had started out rough. I was feeling extremely anxious about restarting ECT. So meeting up with friends really helped me feel a little bit more at ease. I know I should get together with friends more often, but it’s not easy for me. My depression tends to take over, making it difficult, at times, for me to leave the house at all.
I met up with some friends last night that I know from a support group I used to go to. It was hard to get myself to go there, but I was glad I went once I arrived. It’s nice to talk to and spend time with others that understand what I’m going through. We shared thoughts and stories. I was even able to laugh and smile. It felt great to do that.
My husband went to 4 different grocery stores looking for my missing ingredient. I can’t believe how thoughtful he is. He knows that I struggle at the grocery store when it is busy, and it will be incredibly busy today. I can’t think of anyone else that would do that for me. I’m so lucky to have such a caring and thoughtful husband. He wasn’t able to find the ingredient, but it’s the thought that counts.
I decided to try a different ingredient so I could still make the chocolate mousse. I’m not so sure it worked out alright, but I tried. I won’t know until tomorrow if it worked or not.
My husband brought home 3 beautiful roses for me, one for each year of marriage. Our anniversary isn’t until the third, I suppose he’s just getting a head start. As of tomorrow, we will be married 3 years. We were also engaged a little over a year, and we were dating for about a year and a half before that. Before all of that, we were best friends for about 5 years. He always said we would end up together. I insisted that wasn’t so, but now look at us, we’re happily married.
We’ve had a lot of difficult times thrown at us this past year. Between my mental health and my husband’s excruciating back pain, it’s been more than hard, but we made it through together, we support each other. I am hoping for some easier times in the future.