My days seem to be going by extremely slowly. It feels like each day is dragging on and on. I wish I could make things go by quicker. Buying a house is complex. I need to make a list of everything that I’m going to need once I’m in my new home. I have to be as accurate as possible. I also just have to sign my tax documents and return them to the company that completed them.
I’m ready to start moving. I have a few people who have offered to help us, mainly my stepdaughter’s boyfriend. I’m already planning a housewarming party. Nothing big; just something small to celebrate this huge accomplishment.
I’ve been thinking about going back to work. Only for me to work from home. I could do something, like be a typist. I type anywhere from 60 to 80 words per minute (sometimes even more) with at least 96% accuracy. I wonder if I could do it. Could working be something good for me? Could I handle it? I have lots to think about. I’m going to keep it as just a thought for now. Maybe later it can actually become more than a thought.
I’ve been thinking of going to another meeting today; however, the meetings I’ve been going to tend to get so crowded that I get uncomfortable. That’s why I thought I would change it up a bit and try going to the noon meeting. I’ve been to it before, so it’s not completely new for me, and there are generally less people at the noon meeting then there are at the 6pm meeting. It’s worth a shot, I should at least try it. If, for some reason, I’m uncomfortable, I can always leave. I’ll let you all know how the meeting goes.
I stopped the juicing. My husband and I made it about two weeks, with some slip ups along the way. Yesterday, we decided together to stop the juicing. That means that I get to start cooking again, which is one of my favorite things to do; I really missed cooking over the last couple weeks. Last night I made sausage and peppers and the night before that I made a cheesy sausage and rice skillet. It’s nice to have someone to cook for, it’s not as much fun cooking for just yourself.
I also like trying new recipes, most of the new ones don’t turn out so well. I think that it’s worth it if every one in five recipes turns out to be good. Most new recipes aren’t that great; but there’s only one way to find something new, and that is to try it. My husband is so sweet, he will eat a meal even if it didn’t turn out well. I won’t eat it, but he will. When the recipes don’t turn out the way I hoped, I’d rather order take-out than try eating a bad tasting meal.
I forgot to go to my support group this past Thursday night. I had every intention of going, but I just forgot. I didn’t go last week because of my anniversary, but I have no excuses this week. I even remember telling my therapist on Wednesday that I was going to go the following day, and then I let it slip my mind. I suppose I have to write my support group on my to-do list. I really want to go, I know it will be helpful in the long run.
There’s another group on Tuesdays that seems interesting. I want to check it out. Maybe I can have my husband drive by there with me so I know where I’m going before I actually go to that group. It’s farther away from my house than the Thursday night, but you never know where you will find what you’re looking for.
My anxiety seems to be getting a little worse lately. I’ve been using more Valium than I normally do. I’m fearful of anything new, anything that I don’t know. For example, I haven’t gotten my hair cut in over a year because I don’t remember where I used to go. Anywhere I go would be new. Having someone behind me terrifies me no matter what they’re doing. I live close to a high school and an elementary school. At the end of the school day, there are always a few teenagers waiting for their rides by my front lawn. When that happens, I can’t go outside to get to my car. No matter what my plans are, I have to wait because I’m too afraid and anxious.
Crowds are a problem because people are all around and behind you. My husband makes it possible for me to do some things such as go to hockey games. I never lose sight of him, he stands behind me in lines so I feel safe, and holds my hand through the crowds. We have a system that works for us in any crowded situation, and he is wonderful about helping me. I’ve been pushing myself to do more such as going to a support group and going to stores I’ve never been to before. I just have to be careful not to overdo things.
Lately, I find myself talking out loud. I’m talking to myself, saying things such as, “You can do this. You’re giving it all you got. Just keep trying, it will work out.” I suppose that recently, I’ve been needing to convince myself that I can successfully do various things. Whether it’s going to the new support group last week, going to the very crowded state fair, or doing the juicing fast, I find that telling myself I can do these things has been extremely helpful to my success. I supposed it’s a form of positive thinking. Even when I don’t really believe in myself, saying positive things over and over is a way to convince myself of good things.
There’s no harm in trying. Lately, I’ve been trying a lot of new and different things. Some of these things have been terrifying and anxiety provoking, and others have just simply been difficult. Even if I don’t complete all of these tasks that I’m starting, at least I’m trying. I’ll never be able to complete any new accomplishments without first trying.