Anxiety While Shopping

Running errands is a difficult task for me, and it always seems as if the errands are never ending. I’m comfortable in my own home for the most part, but when I leave my house, all of my fears start to take over. One of my biggest fears is having someone I don’t know come up behind me. My anxiety kicks in when I’m in public. I constantly look from side to side and front to back to make sure I’m aware of everything that’s going on around me.

There are certain stores that I hate going into on my own or at all. These stores have bright and fluorescent lighting, narrow aisles, and large display cases right at the entrance. These aspects cause anxiety and make me feel trapped and uncomfortable. I would prefer to go to a store that ends up costing me more money, than go to a store that brings out my anxiety. Even the regular store that I go to can sometimes cause anxiety; it all depends on how many people are there. It’s important for me to plan when I go shopping to avoid the crowds.

I also hate standing in line when it’s time to check out. There always seems to be someone behind me that doesn’t know what personal space means. This isn’t just at grocery stores; it happened to me the other day when I went to buy dog food. I despise going to the mall. I’ve actually only been once in the past year. I wasn’t alone, and despite that, I was still freaking out on the inside. These are some of the reasons why I try to buy as much as I can online.

There are so many things that I struggle to do, inside and outside of my home, which is why it’s important that I have a support system. My husband is great when it comes to helping me feel safe while we’re out. He will walk behind me so I know that he is the only person directly behind me. This especially helps while standing in lines. When I feel trapped in an aisle, I normally freeze, but he helps guide me through the store. He will put his arm around me, hold my hand, or hold onto my belt loop, making me feel more secure and ensuring that I don’t get lost. I can also go in on my own if absolutely necessary as long as I’ve taken Valium. I have progressed over time with the different activities that I’m capable of doing. Hopefully, over time, some of the regular errands I run will become easier for me to do.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 14

I’m still on the 100mg dose. My psychiatrist says that he’s keeping me at that dose because of the energy and fatigue that I’ve been experiencing. He doesn’t want to increase my dose until I can do some regular activities without having to nap for a couple hours afterwards. I’m very grateful that he’s not pushing the dosage increase. I’m supposed to start keeping track of this symptom using a number scale of 0 to 10, where 0 is none and 10 is the worst. This will be difficult to do, but I’ll try.

Today I woke up again with no side effects, and I even slept through the night. I won’t know how my energy and fatigue is until later in the day. I will rate yesterday’s energy and fatigue as a 5. It’s better than most days, but I’m still falling asleep if I sit down and rest for even a couple minutes.

I think I’m going to stop posting about my Clozapine rechallenge every day because it seems to be the same thing each day. If there are changes I will definitely post them, but I’m finally at 2 weeks, so I think I can cut back on these posts.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 13

I’m almost at the 2 week mark, which is where it all fell apart for me last time. However, this time, I’m doing so much better. I woke up this morning with no side effects; I’m feeling better and better every day. It’s amazing that I feel okay. No muscle soreness, no chest or throat pressure, no dizziness, no unsteadiness, and no fever. I am gaining weight, which can be a side effect of Clozapine. However, I was already gaining weight before I started it, so I don’t think that the weight gain has anything to do with the medication. I did get tired yesterday after running a couple errands and I ended up falling asleep on the couch for about 30 minutes total.

I stayed at 100mg again last night. I’m waiting for my blood work results to come in so I can get my next prescription. My psychiatrist wants me to have my blood pressure and pulse taken the next time I’m at the pharmacy. I will do my best to remember that when I’m there.

Inappropriate Phlebotomist: Difficult Blood Work Visit

I had quite an interesting visit to the lab today to get my weekly blood work done. I went to the same lab I normally go to, and as usual, I ended up with a new phlebotomist. I signed in for my appointment 10 minutes early and then sat down in the waiting room. Within a couple of minutes, a woman yells my name and says, “Come back and go to room 5”. Normally, they come into the waiting room to call your name and walk back to the desired room with you; I was already off to an odd start. I sat down and she entered the room moments later. I told her that they normally use my right arm.

She looks at me and asks if I’m okay. I said I was very tired, that it’s a side effect of the new medication I’m on, the med that is causing me to have my blood work done every week. Then the odd and inappropriate questions and comments began. She asked what medication I was on that required weekly blood work; I told her it was Clozapine. She asked why I decided to go on this medication; I reluctantly told her I’ve been dealing with suicidal ideations for 5 or 6 months. I didn’t want to answer her questions, but I have a hard time saying “no” to people. She asked if I see a therapist; I said I see both a therapist and psychiatrist; I informed her that I’ve been dealing with this since I was 14. She asked what I was being treated for; I told her I’m diagnosed with bipolar 1 and PTSD. Then she asked why I was diagnosed with PTSD. None of this is any of her business, but I was so uncomfortable and struggle to tell people to back off, so I hesitantly told her it was from a bad relationship.

Then she started to tell me that her husband was schizophrenic and he took medication too, as if that’s supposed to mean something to me and make it okay for her to ask me these questions. At this point, she began telling me what I should do to help my disorders, as if I don’t try to help myself and I don’t know what’s good or bad for me. She told me I should start doing some kickboxing or martial arts, which would help to empower me so I felt better. I told her I would think about it, but she kept telling me that I should do it. I explained that I had a double knee surgery and I have to take things easy, and she told me I was using that as an excuse. She asked if I used meditation; I told her it was something I was working on. Her next question was if I took time journal at all. I told her that I just started a blog and I found it extremely helpful. She responded by telling me that I should write everything out by hand, that typing doesn’t have the same effect. I told her that it works for me, but she kept telling me what I should do.

I called my mom as soon as this appointment was over and told her all about it. I don’t always know what’s appropriate and I needed to make sure I wasn’t overreacting. I wasn’t sure if being offended was necessary, I don’t trust my emotions lately. My mom reaffirmed my emotions. She told me that it was okay to be upset; this woman should not have asked me these questions. My mom told me I was “should on”. She made me laugh and loosen up a little bit. Since I struggle so much with saying no, my mom helped me find the appropriate words in case it happens again. I can say, “I’m not comfortable with this conversation. Can we please stop talking?” She also told me that I could talk to a supervisor if I wanted or I could simply ask for another phlebotomist. Talking to my mom validated the emotions I had about my experience. While I decided I don’t want to do anything about it unless it happens again, my mom helped me feel more comfortable with what I could say if I decide to talk to a supervisor about it. After having a short conversation with my mom, I felt as if I could take control next time; I could decide what I’m comfortable saying. I’m no longer nervous about my next appointment. I always feel more comfortable after talking with my mom.

What Caused My Bipolar Disorder?

No one really knows what causes bipolar disorder, but there are several known possibilities. Some of the circumstances include genetic inheritance, brain chemistry, life events, substance abuse, and childhood trauma. I’ve always wondered what caused my bipolar disorder and if it was it something that could have been avoided. In my case, and in most cases, there are multiple situations that cause bipolar disorder. For me, I think that all of the known possible causes had something to do with the reasons for my bipolar disorder.

Genetic inheritance definitely had a part in my bipolar disorder. My father had a brother and a sister that both had some form of mental health disorder. I don’t know what the diagnosis was, if any, but I do know that they used to and still do struggle with mental health. There is also at least one person on my mother’s side that deals with depression. Having family members that deals with mental health makes it more likely that I would have some form of mental illness because it’s something that could have been inherited.

Individuals with bipolar disorder also often have different brain chemistry than those without bipolar disorder; their brains often work differently allowing them to be predisposed to both manic and depressive episodes. The brain structure of those with bipolar disorder is different from those without bipolar. This may help doctors diagnose and treat bipolar in the future.

Certain life events can also be a cause of bipolar disorder because of the stress that they cause. I had a fantastic childhood with loving parents. I felt loved every moment of every day. The only life event that could have had an effect was the diagnosis of my father’s cancer when I was 12 years old and his death when I was 18 years old. It was very hard for me; my father was my best friend. Stressful life events can cause manic or depressive episodes; they can also influence kids, such as myself, to turn to drugs or alcohol.

Substance abuse most likely played a huge part in my mental health diagnosis. I did anything and everything that was available; all I wanted to do was forget how I was feeling. I used drugs and alcohol to the extreme from the ages of 12 to 19, when I got sober. Gratefully, I’m now coming up on 12 years sober, which probably makes a big difference in the treatment of my bipolar disorder.

Childhood trauma is also a factor for many. The traumatic events I experienced were in my teenage years. I lost my father at age 18. I was also in a physical and emotionally abusive relationship from the age of 17 to 18. That year and a half was difficult for me; it has also made the rest of my life exceptionally difficult. I still have many fears and am hesitant to do a lot of things because of events that occurred during that relationship.

Over the years, I wondered what happened; how could such a happy childhood turn into such a difficult life. I had a wonderful childhood; I was pretty popular in school, I had a great relationship with my entire family, and we were lucky enough to have more than necessary. I used to wonder if maybe I did something differently in my life, then I wouldn’t have ended up with this diagnosis. I used to think that it was my fault, that I was to blame for my mental health problems. However, after writing this post, I realized that I experienced most of the possible circumstance that could cause mental illness. It wouldn’t have mattered what I did, I was bound to end up diagnosed with bipolar disorder. It’s no one’s fault. No one is responsible for their mental health diagnoses. What we are responsible for is helping ourselves get better over time. We can take control of our disorders; it’s not easy, but it is possible.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 12

My dose stayed at 100mg again last night. My sleep keeps improving. Last night, I fell asleep easily and slept about 6 hours without waking up. When I woke up, I was tired, but had no other symptoms. I guess my body is getting used to the medication.

Yesterday, after taking a showing and getting dressed, I had to rest for couple hours before running errands. I seem to get tired very easily. After resting, I ran some simple errands. I came home from that and ended up crashing on the couch. I napped for about two hours; however, I could only sleep 5 or 10 minutes at a time. It appears that I get exhausted very easily after any physical exertion.

How Much Longer…?

Do you ever wonder if you can make it? Even if it’s just for one more day, can you handle life that much longer? It seems that no matter what you do, everything is working against you. If you’re anything like me, it’s a daily burden that you have to deal with. I’m constantly asking myself, ‘Am I okay? What if…?’ Sometimes, when I’m able to think positively, instead of asking myself, I tell myself, ‘ I’m okay. Everything is good.’ I say these things even when I know they’re not true; I guess I say them hoping to convince myself that they are true.

I constantly worry about pretty much any situation you could think of. I’ve had some people tell me, ‘Don’t worry, just relax’, and honestly, that makes me want to punch them in the face. Do they really think I would choose to live like this? Would I honestly decide to have anxiety attacks every day and almost never feel safe or secure? Nobody chooses this life; it’s not enjoyable or manageable. Living without control over your own moods is torture. These types of symptoms, the constant anxiety, not feeling safe, and questioning if life is worth it, tear apart a person’s life piece by piece. My support system is the reason I keep going, but it’s not easy. I just want to give up most days, but for some reason, I don’t, I never give up.

I compliment those individuals who are able to live with these symptoms and the other bipolar and/or PTSD symptoms and continue living their lives entirely. Individuals that can go to work, take care of their families, maintain a home, and manage their symptoms are impressive; I admire these people. That used to be me. I had a full-time job, a full-time social life, and I maintained my own home. I miss being able to do that. I’ve been on disability since 2009, and I wonder every day if I’ll ever have that type of life back. Even my therapist is unsure if that will happen; he said so himself. He says that I’m working on learning to deal with these issues better.

I hope I’m not the only one that feels this way; I feel lost enough already, I don’t want to be lost and alone. Although at the same time, I really don’t want anyone, even someone I don’t like, to experience these situations and emotions. All I can do is to stay positive, even if it’s fake, I just think positively. I pretend that things will be okay; if you think something enough, eventually it could come true.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 11

Yesterday, I thought that it was going to be a great day because I felt pretty good when I woke up. However, I think I did too much. I ran some errands and went to visit a friend. When I got home, I crashed on the couch for about 2 hours, but I could only sleep about 10 minutes at a time. I didn’t expect to have this much exhaustion. I need to learn to only do a little at a time and allow myself to rest in between activities.

I stayed at the 100mg dose last night, but my psychiatrist also had me go off my Seroquel completely. I ended up sleeping pretty well, probably about 6 hours. I was worried I wouldn’t sleep because of my naps, but that wasn’t a problem. I did wake up with a lot of muscle soreness, but it was gone only an hour later. I was also unsteady on my feet, but that also went away quickly. I have no chest or throat pressure today. Right now, I feel pretty good. I have a lot to do today, and I’m going to do it one step at time, making sure I get to rest in between.

Finding Things To Enjoy

I’ve been told many times that finding something I enjoy doing will make me feel better and help me enjoy life again. However, I could never think of something I liked doing. One day, someone had me go over my daily activities to see what my interests were. It was at that moment that I realized I was already doing the things I enjoyed; I just wasn’t doing them for me. I found out that I already liked gift giving, cooking, cleaning, playing the piano, and working out. All I had to do now was start doing these things for myself.

It’s not easy to do any of these tasks, but I try to work my way up by doing the least physical activity first, which is gift giving. Cooking is also great; plus, I’m pretty good at it. When others enjoy the food that I cook, that’s just a bonus. I stopped cooking for other people, and I started to cook because I wanted to. Cleaning requires a lot of physical activity. I don’t necessarily like the actual cleaning part, but I love the end result. It’s important that I clean because I want to, not because I have to. Playing the piano brings back a lot of memories, especially of my father. Playing is an activity that helps me remember how lucky I was and still am. I recently started doing Zumba videos at home. I find it to be fun and energetic; it’s hard to do when you’re depressed because it takes so much physical energy, which is why it’s important to workout on a regular basis.

These 5 activities are things I already do in my daily life that I just need to start doing on a regular basis. They are healthy activities that help me and others; I already like doing them and I’m even good at these things. It’s vital to find and do things that we enjoy to help fight our bipolar disorder. Other people had to point these things out to me, and I had to be open to hearing what they had to say. Once I started doing these things for me instead of for others, I began to feel better about myself and even enjoy some of the days. For me, that is a huge improvement.

My therapist keeps telling me I give too much of myself. That I need to learn to do things that I want to do. So these are the things that I came up with; however, if someone asks me to do something, I almost always say yes. My therapist wants me to start learning to say no to people; I really don’t think that’s something I can do. I told him that I will work on one thing at a time; that’s all I can handle. Right now, I’m working on doing these activities for myself. That should be enough.

Clozapine Rechallenge – Day 10

Today, I feel the best that I have felt since I started taking this new medication. Last night I took 100mg again and my Seroquel is also down to 100mg. I woke up in the middle of the night, but only because the dog started barking continuously at some random loud noise, but he was doing his job. So I decided to sleep out on the couch in case it happened again, that way I could calm him down quicker. Other than waking up because of his barking, I slept through the night from about 2:00am until 8:00am. Every day, my sleep is improving. I was pretty unsteady on my feet in the middle of the night and when I first woke up, but that went away within 30 minutes of waking up. The pressure in my chest and throat has almost disappeared. My temperature is still doing well at 98.1. I haven’t been experiencing any other side effects today.

I am ecstatic that I’m doing so well. The first time I tried Clozapine last year, I had such a difficult time with it. My biggest issues were dizziness and sedation. I’m doing really well with those issues. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I really think that it might work this time.

My Side of the Pole

Bipolar – Mental Health

Month: April 2016